...on Step One

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

It's hard to believe that my mind was so warped into a big obsession over alcohol.  It's hard to believe that I thought that drinking everyday was just "normal" in my life.  It's hard to believe that alcohol took all my will to resist its demands.  

When I first entered AA in 2007, I thought that the people in those rooms would "tell" me how to stop drinking.  I thought they would tell me how to get over this crazy obsession I felt over my beer and wine.  But they didn't tell me what to do.  They just shared their boring, "feel sorry for me" stories.  It upset me.  I wanted them to tell me how to follow these 12 steps and show me how to stop drinking!  I didn't go to very many meetings, due to my disappointment in what I was getting from them.  I quit for 88 days.  Cycle began.  Obsession.  Sickness.  Sleepless nights.  Cunning.  Baffling.  Powerful.  I tried AA again in 2012.  Still, I felt no connection to anybody or anyones stories.  I was looking for an easy way out and nobody was giving me that key!  I didn't go to very many meetings, due to my disappointment in what I was getting from them.  I quit for 34 days.  Cycle began.  Obsession. Sickness.  No sleep.  Aging.  Cunning.  Baffling.  Powerful.

I thought AA would teach me how to quit drinking and learn how to be happy without alcohol.  As I read the messages in Step One (12 Steps & 12 Traditions), I hear that I have to realize that I have to teach myself and work on my inner-self to find my own happiness without alcohol.  I have come to realize that what people shared in those meetings were little messages on how to live without alcohol.  

I wasn't ready to hear the little whispers in 2007 and 2012.  I wasn't willing to listen to them.  I wasn't even fully present back then to truly grasp what they were trying to tell me.

When I look back on the past ....I see that they were trying to tell me that they were living a life of freedom from alcohol.  They were "surviving" and they were happy.  They were trying to give me hope.

Today, I'm hearing their messages, loud and clear.  They are "feeling" the feelings that come to us on a daily basis.  They are surrendering and letting God into their lives.  They are living One Day At A Time...and some one moment at a time.   They are telling me that picking up that first drink will bring me back into that cycle that I really don't want to be in anymore.  They are telling me that "We were powerless over alcohol!!"  Not just me!  We!

My worst fear when I walked into those rooms was seeing someone I knew.  And my worst fear came through when I ran into one of my students' daddy.  Like really?  My first one?  How the hell was I going to face him again?  I pondered over my fear for a while and let go of my ego for a few minutes.  Hey!   This man was there for the same reasons I was there.  What does it matter that we know each other.  We are powerless over alcohol and we are both there to work on our recovery!  I let go of the fear.  I let go of the worry.  Because at the end of the day....we both need to be there.  There are no coincidences.  I think that the people we meet and encounter along our journey in life are there to teach us a lesson.  

I hear the words...cunning, baffling and powerful often in meetings.  I love hearing these words because it gives me my new definition for alcohol.  It's not fun, exciting and relaxing to me anymore.  Should be a new way of writing it in the Websters' Dictionary.  This is what it would look like if it were up to me....

alcohol

 

 

noun al·co·hol \ˈal-kə-ˌhȯl

Cunning, baffling and powerful





Step one reminds me of this.

Until I humble myself to accepting that I cannot drink, I will not get/stay sober, even with the power of AA.