What triggered it? No clue. Nice weather? Drinking friends? Miss chaos? Need to numb? Still pissed off at my ex and can't get over it? No clue.
I kept myself busy. Ate. Napped. Rested. Although I didn't drink, part of my mind doesn't think I can do this anymore.
For the first 100 days of my sobriety, I felt lifted. I felt that God lifted the burden of wanting the drink. But, lately....I'm just not feeling it. I've been forgetting prayer. I'm forgetting to ask God for help on a daily basis. Maybe, that's missing too...
My AA friend, who is like a brother to me gave me a call at 7ish last night, asking if I wanted to go to a meeting. I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay in bed and feel sorry for myself actually. He knew something was up and asked what was going on. I was honest. I told him were my head was.
He just said.... "Hang tight. I'll be right there to pick you up"
I know. God sent this guy along my path for a reason.
Part of me keeps trying to convince myself that I'm not "really" an alcoholic. I'm not a "bad" drunk. But, feeling my struggles last night and wanting the drink that bad must mean something. Don't we only crave what we are addicted to?
My friend told me that the demons were talking to me last night. This sentence helped remind me so much of where I was last year. I've always believed that the alcoholic demons wanted to take over my life....keep me in a fog... But, I also believe that I'm so much more powerful than them....to never let that happen again!
The meeting was exactly what I needed. I broke down for the first time since I got sober while I was speaking. I was suffering. I had to release and I did. Some of the oldtimers said it gave them strength to see my struggles. Not sure what it means yet but if my struggles are helping them, good.
I woke up in prayer this morning. I need it. I won't drink today. Just for today. One day at a time.
This is a crucial time. The 3-4 month mark is really the danger zone for relapse. For some reason our minds begin to try and convince us that we're FINE, that we don't have a problem, I mean look - it's been 3 months so I must be FINE.
ReplyDeleteNothing can be farther from the truth. If you can hold on to the 6 month mark I promise you'll see. And if you don't? You can go back to drinking then if you like but don't let the demon get you now...wait until it's really your idea.
Go back and read your posts from your other blogs. Read the posts from the beginning of this one. Play that movie that's going on in your head all the way to the end. It's not a happy ending and you know it.
I'm here if you need a boost. You're worth the effort you're putting in. Don't give in now.
Sherry
Thanks for kicking my ass Sherry!
DeleteLots of love!
Jen
xo
Keep going. You're an inspiration to me. Love Annie x
ReplyDeleteThank you Annie. I'm working it the best way I can....xo
DeleteThat's so wonderful that your friend helped you. That is the secret. Helping each other get through the down times.
ReplyDeleteOne day at a time helps us enjoy life as it comes. And I find waking up and noticing just how mu h potential the day has hangover free continues to motivate me. I hope I always hold onto hat feeling. I think it is what makes sobriety so great.
Anne
You're so right. It all begins in the morning, doesn't it. Hold on to that feeling with me Anne....
Deletexo