...on Hope

Last Sunday, I got to chair my first AA meeting.  I was nervous of course.  The room filled up quickly. The worse part about the meeting was having to hit the table with the gavel to get everyone's attention.  I also had to stop discussion at the end of the meeting, with the gavel, as there were another 10 people to talk and there was just not enough time.   I think that the gavel should be replaced with bells because I'm sure it affects people who've been through the court system.  Heck, I've been there, for the divorce, and it brings me back down memory lane.... and I just don't like it.  I may start bringing a little bell with me...in case I'm asked to chair a meeting again.  ;)

Anyhow.  It went well.  The meeting was very powerful!  It was held at our mental institution here where I live so I was a little leery about chairing this meeting.

The thoughts about going to a mental institution for a meeting scared me.  I couldn't seem to wrap my head around the fact that a person can get so messed up on alcohol or drugs and want to hurt themselves or others.  Also, there are so many preconceptions about mental institutions in our society.  To be honest,  I've always been told that the people in there are in the "looney bin" and were "coo coo".  So, I was scared.  What did I know?

Before the meeting, we showed a quick video called "Hope:  Alcoholic Anonymous" to some of the patients.   Women, my age.  A young guy.  A teenage girl.  Human beings struggling with addictions. I felt myself get so overwhelmed with emotions and hope.  I wanted to reach out to these people and tell them how amazing sobriety is!  I wanted to tell them that they can turn their lives around today!  I wanted to tell them that they are so empowered and once they discovered that, they can achieve peace and serenity in the vicious cycle that they were going through!  So many things I wanted to say.  I didn't.

We finished the video and went to the AA meeting room.  The patients came too.  There were about 40 people in that room.  I selected readers, chaired the meeting and qualified.   Then, I listened.  I embraced myself in the room with all of the people's stories.  The patients spoke.  I listened.  I felt their fear.   I felt their pain.  Just "normal" people, like me, trying to deal with the pain from some of the shit that happened to them in the past and they just haven't been able to find a way out.  Just like me.... for all the years that I drank, I was lost.  Alone.  Scared.

I don't know a heck of a lot about mental illnesses but I know one thing for sure.  Many people in our mental institutions are there because they are victims.  They are human beings living with pain and they just don't know how to live their lives without numbing their pain.  I was there.  ....when I drank.  I may not have ended up in the institution, but I was there.  Lost.  Alone.

I got to call forward anyone who was attending their first meeting to hand out a 24-hour chip.  One lady came to me.  I embraced her.  She embraced me.  She had hope.  I had hope.

After the meeting, one of the patients came to me and said she felt so embarrassed because she cried and got emotional.  I told her how many times I've done that and that it was okay to feel the pain and release it.  It's all part of healing.  It's all part of recovery.  I told her what AA group I belonged to and she said she'd like to start coming to meetings.  We hugged.  She had hope.

That meeting was probably one of the most powerful experiences I've had in my life.  I'll never forget the look on these women's faces.  The look of despair, sadness, and hope.  I pray for them to find a way out.... their way out.  I pray that God gives them to strength to live a life... sober.

...on Unconditional Love

I made a promise to my children the other day.... the day that I lost my shit on them.   I promised them that I would try harder...not lose my shit and swear around them when I'm angry again.    I've always told myself as a child that I never wanted to sound like my parents and I know that I certainly do at times.

I can only remember too well, the feelings I felt when my parents were in their fits of rage.  Shouting.  Cursing.  Slamming cupboard doors.   The rye and water.  The anger.  The fear.  The feelings of emptiness and sadness overcame my inner child.  I hid in my closet.  Spent nights in my closet.  Lost.

I've come a long way since I started parenting in 1991.

I don't lose it on my kids as much as I did 5 years ago.  I've always promised myself to never put my children through what I went through.  But, I slip sometimes.  I'm human.

So, my promise to them will require a lot of work.  A daily basis amount of work.  I almost feel like I need a parenting course.   Being a good parent is going to require me to be fully conscious at all times.  I have to hold on to that.  I have to be aware of all my emotions and feelings on a daily basis, so that I could react to my children's behaviours in more appropriate ways.  I was tested last night, again.

Patrick....  I can't sleep mom

Me .... (OMG! It's 11 o'clock and I'm half asleep.  Not this again.  I'm friggen tired.  Fuck!)....all this was said in my head.....

I get up.  I'm calm.  I ask what's wrong.  He starts tearing up.  He doesn't like to disturb me.  I know this.  He knows I like my sleep so he's worried I'm going to lose it.  I know this.   I rub his back.  I'm conscious.  I'm calm.  He's upset.  He's hot.  He wants to sleep but he can't.  He feels sick.  He's worried that I'm upset.

Kelly.....  Mom!  I want to watch TV!  I can't sleep too.  Please mom!  I can't sleep without my TV!

Me.... (OMG!  What's wrong with these kids.  Can't they just go to bed when it's time to go to bed.  Fuck!)..... said in my head.....

Me.....  What would you like me to do guys.  There's no TV allowed now and it's bed time.  I have to work and you have school.  We need sleep.  You have to focus on your breath and allow your body to rest.

Needless to say.... my answer wasn't good enough.  Test?   Yes, test.  Test to mommyhood for sure!  Both kids crying.  I'm tired.  I just want sleep.   I think.  

Me....  K guys.  Come lay with mommy for a while.  I snuggle with them.  I'm calm.  I tell them ways to relax their body, even when they can't sleep.  I tell them I love them.  They fall asleep.  In my arms.   Content.  I don't sleep much but I'm okay with that.  I've accepted it.  My kids are young today.  They won't snuggle with me much longer.  They will be on their own one day, living their lives with their new families.  I have to enjoy the moments.

I love my kids unconditionally.  I know this, but I want them to know this.  I need them to know that even when they are acting like monsters, I still love them....unconditionally.  The best way for me to show this is by remaining calm during crises and "showing" them that I love them even when all hell breaks loose.  They will fight.  They will argue.  They will disobey.  They are human.

When I was a child, I didn't feel the unconditional love that a parent is supposed to give their child.   There were always conditions on my life for me to feel loved.  I had to get good marks in school.  I had to keep my room clean.  I had to clean the house.  I had to care for my sisters.  I had to play Barbies quietly.  I had to stay out of my parents way.  I had to be perfect!

I'm not setting conditions on my children like that.  I want them to grow into the spiritual beings they were meant to be.  I want them to know that they are loved always.  I want them to grow with confidence and know that even when they make mistakes, they can conquer the world.  I want to be a better mommy.

I'm a sober mommy.  I'm learning how to live life on life's terms.  I'm supposed to teach my kids to do the same.....to live life on life's terms.  That's my job.  My sobriety has brought me many gifts.  My sobriety has given me freedom to choose....freedom to choose to live in love or in fear.... freedom to feel the feelings and emotions, let them pass through my body and let them go.....freedom to be conscious.....  and fully present in my life.... freedom to love my children unconditionally.  

Perfect quote for my post today....  I needed the reminder.....  

I just found the greatest article on controlling my anger and loving my children unconditionally, even when I'm feeling very upset.  I must create a bigger space between the stimulus (my child's behaviour) and my response so that I can react to their behaviour in love. I can do that by taking my own, personal time-out.

Unconditional_love_When_Angry_at_child

Seems so simple, but so friggen tough.

....on Children

Frigg, my children have a tendency to set me off.  I'm writing about this, in hopes that I don't fly off the handle and lose my shit on them anymore.

I don't drink.  I don't smoke.  I have nothing to calm my nerves when the kids are getting under my skin anymore and I have to learn how to handle the stress they bring to me in much different ways.

They fight.  My 13 year old daughter (the princess of the house) whines and cries until she gets her way.   And, yes.... she gets her way because I get tired of the crying and whining and give in to her wants, due to guilt.  Bad parenting happening here.

Everything they want to do cost money.   Like damn it.... I got no extra money to spare here.  So, I tell them I can't afford that right now..... and now they have that worry....  we are poor and mommy is broke.

I sometimes feel like I've traumatized my kids.   

Anyhow, last nights episode started like this.

Kelly....  Let's go to a movie...  I'm so bored. 

Me..... I didn't really want to go out today honey.  Let's have a nice fire in the backyard and roast wieners.

Not good enough for her.

Kelly.....  I'm so bored.

Kelly..... I'm so bored.   There's nothing to do.  Can we please get out of the house.

Me.....  (feelings of guilt because they are bored)

Me.....  Ok.  What's playing at the movies?

Patrick....  I want to see the Avengers!!!

Kelly.....  I want to see Pitch Perfect!!!

Me......   I guess we aren't going to the movies......

The argument on which movie to see went on for an hour.  They Rock-Paper-Scissored it and Patrick won.  However, Kelly.... found a way to convince him otherwise.   End result.... Patrick didn't want to go.

Me.....  We're just going to stay home guys.....

Kelly......    (hissy fit)

Me.....   Get in the car.

So this is where I lose it.  I swear.  I tell them they are spoiled.  I tell them I'm broke and don't want to spend money.  I swear again.  I tell Kelly she's a control freak and I'm tired of her manipulating to get her own way.  Kids are crying.  I'm trying to breath.  I swear.  I know I've screwed up in the motherhood department again.  I wonder why I lose it. I wonder why I can't control my foul mouth when I'm pissed off at the kids.  I wonder why I sound and act like my mother ...still.   I wonder how I could be a better mom.  I wonder why my chest feels like its the heaviest thing in the world.

I turn the van around.  Kids are sad.  I'm sad.  I'm the adult, I know.   I know I'm not supposed to snap.  

I have no booze, no smokes, no anti-depressants.....nothing to calm me ....but me.  

We come home.   We aren't going to enjoy a movie in our states.  We calm down.  I apologize.  Patrick says he hates it when I swear and get mad.  He has big tears coming down his cheeks.  I hug him.  I'm sorry.  Kelly doesn't talk to me.

I apologize again.  I tell them I'm doing the best I can.  I tell them I made a mistake.  I tell them I'm not perfect.   I know I should be in better control of my anger.  I should have taken a time-out.  I know I have to stick to my decisions.  When I say no, it should stay no.  My kids know that if they hound me enough, they'll get what they want.  I get it.  They're kids.  It's normal.

I cheer them up.  I tell them I'm sorry.  We start to laugh.  They know I'm a good mom.  They know I'm not perfect.   I tell them I'm not broke, as in we are poor.  I tell them I have money.  We can afford to buy what we need.  I tell them I just didn't want to spend money today.

We are okay.  I take them out for a ride to Tim Horton's.  We see the Midway.  What better way to end the night than going on Midway Rides, screaming and laughing.  We did that.  Screamed.  Laughed.  

I'm not a perfect mom.  I'm learning to be a sober mom.  It's work in progress.   

I do have to find more fun, "free" family activities though.....   being a single mom isn't always easy.   Being a sober, single mom is even harder.

....on Healing

I've been struggling with my past demons for a couple of weeks now....and trying to accept and let go.  I know there's nothing I can change.  I know there's nothing I can do to fix things that have happened.  They just happened.   It's done.

Last night's AA meeting was just what I needed.  Topics for discussion were resentments and acceptance of all things.  Tell me about being right where I'm supposed to be!

Here are the whispers I heard.

It's hard to be happy when you're holding on to resentments.  

So true, isn't it.  Holding on to resentments keeps us stuck in this place of misery.  Keeps us stuck where we really don't want to be.  Keeps us feeling sad, hurt, depressed.... when the fact is the people who hurt us the most have moved on and feel nothing from what has happened to us.   They are probably not even thinking about these events, not even for one second!  Why are we holding on?   One girl mentioned that she wishes for the people who hurt her to feel her pain....to suffer.....  I think we probably all wish for this at one point or another.   I want revenge.  I want them to feel shitty and hurt and depressed, the way I felt for years.    You see, to open the door to happiness, we have to let go of the big packsack of resentments, hurt and anger we are carrying.  It doesn't fit through the door!  To enter the door to true happiness and peace, is to drop the packsack of fear and pain.  It's so much easier said than done, but it makes so much sense to me.   I'm almost ready to drop the packsack but for some reason there's a knot in one of the straps and it won't come off yet!

You can't change the past.

The past is done.  It's gone.  We really can't change anything from it.  We can only take what happened to us and learn from it.  Grow from it.  Take something... a lesson.... and apply it to our lives today.   Even the shitty events.  Time to get them out of my head.  Somehow.  I have to let them go through my body, feel the pain, and let them go.  I'm halfway there.  I'm feeling the pain.  I think it needs to be a part of my healing on this sober journey.  I think it's time to feel the pain now so that I can stop wanting to numb it.  I've been emotional.  I'm healing.

They only did the best they can with what they knew.  The are only doing the best they can with what they know.

I've forgiven some of the people that hurt me, with this sentence.  It was good to hear it again from someone else last night.  I truly believe that people do only what they know.   Some people just don't know any better, especially if we step back and look at their past.  Most people that hurt us are probably victims as well.  I try to look at things in this perspective now and it's freeing me a little.... just knowing that that's all they knew.... that's all they know.  My parents are alcoholics.  They come from generations of alcoholics.  They have a past as well and they chose to carry that into their lives today.  I can't change that.  I can't heal for them.  I'm choosing to heal me.... and live my life differently.... sober.  My ex was raised in a hostile environment.  No wonder he's a negative, harsh, mean man.  It probably isn't his fault that he's the way he is and I really don't think he has the capability of seeing or knowing any better ways of life.   He is a product of his environment and he can't see that things could be so much better.  

So.... I have forgiven.  I have to forgive.  I have to let go.  I pray for them.  I have forgiven with some understanding that they have a past too. ....but I haven't forgotten.  And, that's where I'm stuck and want to let go.  I'm healing.

When it was my turn to talk at the meeting, I was going to pass.  But, I didn't.  I broke down.  I told them I'm hurting.   I'm not use to feeling the feelings.  I'm not use to dealing with issues and people without the strength that alcohol gave me.  I have to somehow find my inner strength that's been buried way deep inside of me.  I know it's in there.  I feel it.  I'm healing.  Slowly.  I mentioned that I felt like a 17 year old, emotionally...trying to figure out who I am and what life is about.   Someone came to me at the end of the meeting and asked how old I was when I started drinking.   15.  He said that's why I feel like an emotional 17 year old.  The alcohol stopped me from growing all these years.  I wasn't really present to feel and heal.  Nobody taught me to be confident.  Nobody taught me to hit life head on, without alcohol. 

This is really the beginning of a new journey for me.  I'm learning to live a life without alcohol to support me.  I'm learning to be free and healthy.  I'm learning to live in the moment.  I'm learning to live in love and not in fear.  I have no regrets anymore for I know that the past has brought me to where I am today.  The past has happened, not by error.... but by chance.  Everything that has happened to me has made me the woman I am today.  I'm independent, strong, calm, loving, and best of all......sober.   I'm glad I'm recovering today.  One day at a time.  I'm healing.  I'm letting go.  I'm finding out who I am.  The real me is back.  

...on Acceptance

Acceptance is key....isn't it.

It's funny.  I just wrote a post on trying to find ways to dealing with my inner disturbances and insecurities and I'm hearing a lot of little whispers lately telling me to accept the things I cannot change.

The thing is, I was trying to just let go of the things I cannot change.  I was forgetting the first step in letting go........

Acceptance.

My inner disturbances have been calmer this week, since I've come to accept certain things.  How easily I forgot.  I had to remember to accept the feelings I was feeling.  I had to accept them and remind myself that it was okay to have them.   I had to accept the circumstances of my outer world and trust that God has a plan for everything that goes on around me.  I have to trust the process.  I have to accept and surrender.  I can't be at peace in my mind, without acceptance.  I know that now.

I have to agree with this quote I found today.

I truly believe that recovery comes only when we accept the things we cannot change.  We cannot change people.  We cannot change events.  We cannot change certain circumstances in our lives.    We have to accept them or we will friggen go crazy....  the mind will go crazy.   Our bodies will become ill.   When we hold on to resentments and don't let go, we become spiritually sick people.  Resentments are the #1 killer to us alcoholics.

So, I have to let go....  let go of resistance.  Surrender.  I can't fight it anymore.  Can't fight off my ex anymore.  I'm tired.   I've tried to help him change for the past 20 years.  So I will accept that he is an angry man, that he's negative, that he's stuck there.  I can only hope that he finds true spiritual growth and the happiness that I've found.  I can only pray for him to recover, like I have.  

....to accept the things I cannot change.....  

Yes.  The Serenity Prayer.  The key prayer to AA people.  It should be the key prayer for everyone!  

It doesn't just end with the first 4 lines either.  There's more to it.  It is truly powerful.  I'm living it today.  We can all live it today.  We can breathe.  We can feel.  We can love.  We can live.

One moment at a time.....

...Race Day

Getting ready for a Mother's Day 5 KM run!!   

Happy Mother's Day my blogging friends.  You deserve a break today.  You deserve to do something you love!  Everyone deserves to do something that they love.  

We are created to succeed.  To love.  To grow.  To inspire.

...on Soberly Dealing With Inner Disturbances

Good grief!  I've been on a roller coaster ride of emotions for the past few days.  I've been aware and consciously feeling certain "inner disturbances" lately and I'm  doing it without alcohol to calm them down.   It's not easy.  

Inner disturbances are shifts in energies that come through my body.  One moment, I could be so happy and high on life and the next moment..... Whammo!  Someone f%^$*(s it up!  I can get scared, anxious, mad, hurt, angry, sad, insecure in an instant.  All these feelings and shifts of energy brings me so much insecurity.

Where do all these insecurities stem from?  It wasn't so bad when I was drinking because when I had these inner disturbances I could drink a glass of wine and in an instant, gone.  No more insecurity.  No more inner disturbance.  I didn't care what other people thought of me when I was drinking.  Well, I maybe cared a little.....  but, it surely didn't affect my life as much back then because I numbed the feelings I felt.  Booze made me happy and secure and calm.

I'm not numbing the feelings now and boy the inner disturbances in my body are running high.  I'm having a really hard time dealing with my insecurities now.

So....I've been doing some soul searching, reading and meditating to find some answers as to why I am so friggen insecure.

This is the only thing I can come up with.

I went to visit my parents last weekend.  Wake-up call.  All my life, all I ever wanted was a mom and dad to spend time with me.  I wanted them to love me unconditionally and wanted them to make me feel special, like I was the only child in the universe.  As I watch my kids struggle with wanting attention from my parents (the way I did), something really hit home.  I've been wishing for my parents to be great grand-parents for my kids, but I can now see that it is not possible.  How can I expect this of them, when they had such trouble giving me the attention I needed when I was a kid.  I craved attention.  I was insecure throughout my whole childhood.  I remember wanting to crawl out of my skin when a boy would come and talk to me.... literally.   I still feel that way.  In my forties.  I don't want to feel that way anymore.

I was there....  where my parents are.   I was drowning in wanting alcohol more than wanting to spend time with my kids.  I was selfish and lost.  I wasn't seeing any of those special moments that pass us by on a daily basis.  I was obsessed with wanting to drink more than wanting to satisfy my kids' needs for attention and love.

I love my parents.  I know that they did they best they could with what they knew.  I am forgiving them.  I'm letting go......

Now, I have to try and fix me.  I have to release some of these crazy insecurities I've been feeling.  I don't understand why I still have them.  I have a super job, great house, great kids, a healthy life, good friends.   Why is it that I am still so very uncomfortable in my own skin at times.   I know that I have to let go of the need to make everyone like me.  I have to let go of trying to make the world around me perfect so that I don't feel inner disturbances.  I know I have to surrender.  It's not easy.  I don't like it when people are upset with me.  I don't like it when people hurt me.  I don't like the fact that my ex is still trying to control and hurt me through our children.  It hurts me.  It hurts a lot.  I'm feeling it....right in the center of my chest.  I am breathing.  I am trying to let go.  The fact is .... I can't control what others do or say.  I can only try my best to release these feelings of pain, resentment and insecurities.   I am aware.  I am conscious. 

I went to a meeting last night.  My ex has been trying to take that away from me too.   He's been telling my kids that I care more about the meetings than I care about them.  Nice eh!  That's what I have to deal with.  I have a choice to make here.   I can hold on to resentments and hate him for bashing me in front my children, for the 100th time.....  Or I can let it go.... forgive and forget....pray for him.   Someone at the meeting said that I should be honest.  Tell him how I feel.  Then, let it go.   Will that really matter though?  He's heart-less.  He's mean.  He's full of anger and negative spirit.  I hope and pray that he just doesn't screw up my beautiful children's hearts.

Anyhow, I had to let that off my chest I guess.  I'll keep you posted on what decisions I've made to deal with these "inner disturbances" .....without alcohol.  I have to find a way to deal with my insecurities too.....

... on Triggers

How many times have I heard people say ...."It does get easier."?  Not drinking that is.  In the beginning, I didn't believe anybody.

Today, I do.  It does get easier.  It really does.....When we make the decision to end this crazy cycle of harming ourselves and stick to it, it does get easier.

I think it may have to do with willpower.  It may have to do with the fact that I was sick of being tired.  It may have to do with the fact that God took my burden away from me..... a miracle I'm sure.

It may have to do with the fact that I have learned to become very aware of my triggers.  Consciousness.

Triggers.  Something that happens in our lives that we have absolutely no control over.... things that change our energy levels in an instant.....sets us off......  People.  Places.  Things.  Our inner world can start spiralling when one of these things affect the way our energies flow.  We could be calm and serene one moment and whammo!.......Someone screws it up for us!  We can become pissed off, moody, angry, sad ....in an instant....  A good excuse to pick up a drink?  Sure.....  We've all done it.   Alcohol calms the mind, body and soul, doesn't it?  It numbs the pain....  We drink.  We don't feel the feelings.  We hide....
....until you wake up the next day......and we eventually have to come out.  Then, how do we feel?  So much worse than the day before plus a hangover.

What I've learned.

When we are ready to "feel" the feelings, be aware of the triggers, let them pass through the body and let them go......only then, can we feel the freedom we are all searching for.  

What I've learned.   

Each one of us is just a tiny little speck on this Earth ....this Earth that is circulating throughout this humongous Universe.  We have no control over the Universe!  We have no control over other people.  We have no control over most events that occur around us.  We have to let go of the urge to control.  Surrender.  The only way to true freedom.

What I have learned.

I have found a whole new way of seeing my life as it comes to me today.  I know my triggers.  I feel the feelings.  I am aware and fully conscious 99 % of the time in my day.  I am living in the present moment.  I am letting go of the triggers.  They will always be around.  I am aware of them. I am feeling the feelings that come with them.  I am letting the feelings pass me by......instead of holding on to them.   And, I am letting them go...... forever.  Breathe.

I am living my life....filled with love......even put forth genuine effort to love the people who are my triggers.  I pray for them.  I let them live their lives the way they want to..... I am letting go.  I believe that the people that cross my path are here to teach me a lesson.  I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.

It's working for me.  This new sober life.  It feels real good.  It feels good to be aware.  It feels good to be sober.  It feels good to be fully alive.  It feels good to be present.

Become conscious!  You are personality.  You were born on a certain day.  You will die on a certain day.  You are soul.  Your soul is immortal.  It is content, happy, joyous.  Align the personality with the soul....... you will find your purpose and enjoy your life to the fullest.  _Gary Zukav

Sober Mommy's Triggers

-can't find the remote control
-fighting children
-my ex-husband
-my parents
-a co-worker
-being broke
-being lonely and single
-loud TV
-my barking dog
-hectic busy days at work
-moody kids

What are your triggers?