Day 60!!

I'm am extremely pleased with my progress so far.  I'm pleased with the fact that I've found this new way of living....without alcohol.   

I am truly blessed that things have been pretty easy for me to date.  I haven't had any major cravings or "close calls" of any sort.  I haven't had major withdrawals from alcohol or any major anxieties.  My mind isn't at the: " damn it, I can't have alcohol" stage anymore.  Truth is ..I don't want it.   I have no desire to bring alcohol back into my life.   

I hear horror stories of people having to detox from alcohol or having major health problems when giving it up.  My sisters father-in-law is dying of liver disease from alcohol.  All that shit is scary! All that could have happened to me!  All that could hit my children one day!

I've been living a 40 day challenge since Ash Wednesday. I've had to make a daily intention for 40 days and post to my Instagram account.  I'm hooked!  It's created a beautiful space deep within my soul that allows me to feel and ask the universe for what I want.   I'm living my intentions on a daily basis and I'm living in love, abundance and gratefulness.  I'm living in the present moment because it is all we really have.  I will post some of my intentions to my blog once in a while to remind me of the awesomeness of intentions.

When I was drinking, my mind was so busy....it had to be busy.   I don't remember ever feeling like I was living for me.   I was living for everyone else and I was drinking so that I could forget that I was living for everyone else.  I had fears and anxieties. I didn't like quietness. I didn't like being alone.  I felt like my life was chaos and that was normal for me..oh..so normal.   Drink, cook, clean, kids, run around, pass out, wake up, work, drink, cook, clean.....  You know the cycle.  Everyday.  My life was so hectic that I was starting to drink and drive.  Not much.  One or two before dinner, eat, then do the running around. My daughter would give me shit, get in the car and worry all the way to our destination because I had a drink.  I'd tell her to relax.  I was fine.  I was "allowed" to have a drink an hour.  Only 20 year olds can't have alcohol in their system when they are driving.  WTF!  Really?  What kind of mother convinces her kids that it's okay to have a drink (or two) and drive? The more I drank, the busier my life was....but that was "normal".  Noise, noise and more noise.  We lived in a loud, chaotic home...."normal".   

NOT!!!

I've had so many opportunities and so many event happen to me in the last two months that have shown me that THAT was not normal!

My intention today is "ENLIGHTENMENT".  I will post it later.  But boy, it's about time I'm hit with this word.

There's so much I want to write about!  But damn, my life is busy!  I don't know how I managed doing it all with booze in my life.....





(If you're interested in seeing my intentions on my personal Instagram account, send me a message and I'll send you a link.  I don't have it on my Website because of pictures of me and my kids.)

...an Intention on Abundance

Today I set an intention on abundance! I have come to the realization that I am truly blessed. For a long time, I was seeking more of something...more money, a better home, better this, better that... And only when I live in the present moment...can I truly see that my life is already filled with so many blessings. I've changed my whole thought pattern and I am now practicing living in the present moment on a daily basis. I really do have everything I need. It's not about wanting more material things for me anymore. It's about appreciating my true-self...the love I give and receive from others....and living in the present moment. I attract success and abundance in my life because that is who I am! 

Manitoulin Island 2014

...on Living Sober (Chapter 3)

Just working on my book study on "Living Sober."  The link to the PDF file of this book is on the side bar.  You are welcome to read this book with me and comment on my posts (called on Living Sober) about the readings in the book.  I need to stay focused because I will not let my ego mind take over my soul again.

on Chapter 3...Using the 24-Hour Plan

Because alcoholism is permanent and irreversible, many of us have come to realize that we cannot make long-term promises about staying sober.  The thought of quitting forever scares many of us because we rely on alcohol in so many ways.  I strongly believe that when we learn to focus on staying sober in the moment or for one more day, it becomes much more manageable. 

Every recovering alcoholic began with one sober hour.   When we crave the drink and our heads become filled with thoughts of drinking, we can stop....breathe...and just wait.... an hour..... 

So many things can be done in that hour of pause....

-exercise
-sleep
-read
-drive
-movie
-clean
-bath
-eat
-shop
-meditate
-call a friend
-call a sponsor


...and when that hour is up....why not try one more?  What have we got to lose?  What have we got to gain?  We can start it fresh at any time.  We can decide right then not to take a drink during the forthcoming 24 hours.  We are empowered to continually renew ourselves, one moment at a time.  ...and if we choose to be present during that sober hour, we focus.  We try living in the now just in order to stay sober—and it works.  Once the idea has become a part of our thinking, we find that living life in 24-hour segments is very effective and satisfying.

I am learning to breathe and live in the present moment.   When I crave the drink, I pour myself a class of ice cold water.  I suck it back like there's no tomorrow.  I feel the coldness of the water go down my body and I know that it is good.....  I then do something from the above list and focus on the task at hand....one hour at a time....one moment at a time.

"

...an Intention on Love

Today, I set an intention on love!  

I will attract loving people into my life because I am a loving and loveable person.

I love who I am.

When I look in the mirror and see myself, I see the outer person but that's not who I am.

I am greater than that and knowing this...

Brings me so much joy and contentment.

This flower was part of a bouquet I found in the trash!

...checking in

I'm here....so very happily sober!!!   I've been super busy with my kids but will be blogging this weekend.  
Have a lovely day!
xo

...on Finding Happiness

Gosh!  When the mind plays tricks on you, it sure does a good job!  

After my horrible day yesterday, I went and dreamt that I got drunk!  It started with the first drink.  I was so mad that I decided to have one Ceasar with my dinner.   I was mad at myself because I had just written a blog post on not picking up that first drink.   Here's my dream....my nightmare.....

I figured that since I had a drink, I had already blown my sober days so I ended up ....drinking .... more of course!  I got wasted! I was at a party with friends.  I remember seeing my sister in the background.  The one who is so proud of me for quitting because she knows I've been struggling for so many years.    The look on her face.....total disappointment and disgust.  I kept telling her ...sorry...it's the only way I feel happy , like I won a million bucks, happy!   It's the only way I know how to have any fun!

I woke up suddenly and wondered why I had this dreams.  I've always believed that my dreams come to me to help me deal with something or to help me discover something about myself.

Last week, my son asked me "When was the last time you were happy, like you just won a million dollars happy?"   I have been struggling with this question for a few days now.   Truth is, I don't really know when I felt that happy....euphoric happy.  I was upset at first for him asking me that, and had to pause for a long time, and not react.   I've been happy damn it!  I've been working my ass off to be happy!  I may not be screaming for joy happy 24 hours a day but by golly, I'm doing good?   I quit drinking!  I run around the house to play tag with them, and hide-and-go-seek,.   I take them out on adventures when I can.   I'm friggen happy!  How can they not see that?

Kids ...they just want us to be happy...all day and all night.... My kids have very high expectations of me.....and sometimes it's draining.   Maybe they are just use to the "drunk, happier-than-shit" mom who let them get away with whatever they wanted because she was too busy in her own little world to discipline and work with them.  Maybe they just need time to get use to the new me...the quieter me, who now is imposing respect rules and bedtime routines into their lives.   Maybe, I just need to be okay with the discomfort for a while, and hope they realize that I'm doing the best I can, and that I love them unconditionally.   One day, I just know it, they will thank me for this new change...this new mommy.

As of now, I've decided to make it my personal mission to find that happy, euphoric feeling again....without alcohol.  As I keep reading my spiritual books and prayers, I am 100% confident that it will come to me....

...on Doing Too Much

I've been trying to get off of my anti-depressants...and holy shit....I feel like I'm losing it.   I haven't had a pill since last weekend and today was the day that I realized that I just may not be ready for that.  My kids have been rude.  They don't listen.  I've been snapping.  They've been snapping.  Patrick asked when was the last time I was happy...he says...like really happy, like you won a million dollars.  Kelly asked if I loved them.

I don't get it!   Why can't I just stop taking these stupid little pills.  I have found some sort of peace and serenity over the last couple of months.  I stopped drinking.  I've become more spiritual.  I should be able to be calmer during the storms of my life ....but today....proved me wrong.

Is this me losing it....or my mind playing tricks on me?  I don't know what to think anymore.  Am I asking too much from my kids?  Like, I just want them to go to bed at regular times and be ready for school on time.  I just want them to stop fighting and be happy.  Am I asking too much from myself?  

The fact is ...I just don't want to be on anti-depressants anymore.  I want to be able to feel whole again.  I was there last week....but today I'm lost.  I don't want a drink or anything like that.  But I do know that in order to survive, right now, at this time of my life, I need to take the pill.

Am I trying to do too much?  Probably.  Being off the pill for the week has brought me back to my dark place...and for some friggen reason, I'm having a very hard time getting out of it.  It probably doesn't help that it's winter here and we are experiencing over -30 celcius temperatures.  I'm having a really hard time finding any joy out of that!  I want to hibernate!

....on Lessons from Our Children...

The other day, I was driving to work with my children in the car, and my son said....

"Today, I'm going to be nice all day"

I didn't think much of it and just kept on driving, listening to my music, not thinking much of it or not living in the present again.... His statement just flew through the van and didn't even make contact with me....

Anyhow...the day went on as usual with nothing out of the ordinary happening.

We came home, had dinner and went out to "our" basketball game.  I'm his coach.  The game was crazy....the score went back and forth for the whole game.  The kids were great!  They worked their butts off and got double shifted often because we were missing a player.

During the last 5 minutes of play, I had to pull my son off.  He had been playing during the last 3 shifts and leaving him on would mean that someone else didn't get to play twice in a row.  Doing this left me feeling nervous because my other players weren't as "strong" as my son.  However, I do believe in fair play and have always told my son that this is the way that I coach.  We were down by one basket.  My team scored, then there's scored.......and the buzzard rang.   We lost.

Now, you have to picture my son....extremely competitive....like his mother, sitting on the bench, in total defeat.

He got up when the buzzard rang, came in for our "Hip Hip Hurray" and shook hands with the other players from the other team.

He went along, chatting with his buds, and smiling.  He "talked" to me with kind words, never once raising his voice in upset over his loss....  He seemed.... okay

We got into the van and he said

"Good thing I said I was going to be nice today eh mom".

....and that's when I totally got it!  Something deep inside of me went CLICK.......in that moment in time....something bigger than I could ever describe.

When I tucked him in that night, we had a great conversation.....

We talked about how disappointed he was that he lost the game and that I should have played him during the last shift.  I asked him how he managed to stay calm and "nice" even though he was feeling upset at the time.   He simply said "I'm capable of doing something when I say I'm going to do it".

How amazing was it for me to hear these words from my 10 year old boy.  I always believed that he's been an angel sent to me from Heaven.....

What did I learn that day?  I must be present when my children are talking to me.  I must stop what I'm doing, and just listen.  I also learned that my son is a very intelligent and very strong young man.  He taught me that if I put my mind to something, I can just .... do it!

Thank you Patrick.

...on Living Sober (Chapter 2)

Just working on my book study on "Living Sober."  The link to the PDF file of this book is on the side bar.  You are welcome to read this book with me and comment on my posts (called on Living Sober) about the readings in the book.  I need to stay focused because I will not let my ego mind take over my soul again.

This is what I'm taking out of it....

on Chapter 2...Staying Away From The First Drink

I got a chuckle when I read this tonight.  I'll admit that I read the book more than once and tonight as I read Chapter 2, something clicked.  First, it was the fact that the last few times I read this part, I most likely wasn't present or mindful of what it was saying....  Second, I got it.

How many times have I quit drinking?  How many times have I convinced myself that I could drink in moderation?  How many times have I told myself that I could control it if I really wanted to?   I can't answer these questions for the simple fact that it's been too many times.

This chapter tells us that many of us get scared when we decide to quit drinking.  Planning to never drink again is probably one of the craziest thoughts that us alcoholics can even think of.... It's almost too difficult to even consider.....  

How the hell are we supposed to live in this world without any alcohol, forever??   Our lives are surrounded by alcohol.  Our lives are filled with anxiety and pressure from others to drink with them.  How else are we supposed to deal with the stresses of every day life?  This has always troubled me over the last many times I've tried to quit drinking.  I get it now....when they say....stay away from that first drink!   

Doctors have discovered that it is the first drink which triggers, immediately or some time later, the compulsion to drink more and more until we find ourselves going down the same path that we have been trying to avoid for so long....

I think that if we change the idea of never drinking again, which becomes an obsessive thought in our head... to.... Stay away from that FIRST drink... then things would be so much more manageable!  If I don't pick up that first drink....I can't fail....  I won't have to worry about starting the cycle over.... you know the one.... the one that got me drinking maybe one or two..... then drinking only on weekends....then drinking every night, then drinking mornings to cure the hangover..... the no sleep, the disappointed children, the bags under the eyes, the unhealthy body.....that cycle!

The fact is ....after all of my efforts of trying to take alcohol out of my life for good, I now know that I just can't drink in moderation.  Once I pick up that first drink....my life begins to spiral out of control again until the whole cycle begins and I get sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

So, tonight, I've convinced my thoughts and my ego that I'll just avoid that first drink.  If someone offers one, I will say no.  If I'm stressed, I will find something better to do.  I'll pray.  I'll meditate.  I'll sleep.  I'll eat.  

....because I am spirit

                                                       ....I am not my mind....

...on Living Sober (Chapter 1)

I'm going to do a book study on "Living Sober."  The link to the PDF file of this book is on the side bar.  You are welcome to read this book with me and comment on my posts (called on Living Sober) about the readings in the book.  I need to stay focused because I will not let my ego mind take over my soul again.

This is what I'm taking out of it....


on Chapter 1...  Using this booklet


This short book offers us ways for living alcohol-free.  Our drinking is connected to two types of habit...

thinking habits....and doing habits....

Our mind....  It works so hard at convincing us to care and worry or do so many things that mean nothing to us.  It works so hard to take over our lives...our spirit and our souls.  We must truly learn to divide the mind from the soul.  When we make a choice to get healthy....then we must stick to it.  We can't let our mind convince us otherwise just because it's so use to getting what it wants.   
We have to change our "it's 3 o'clock...I had a long day at work and need a drink " thought to "it's 3 o'clock...I had a great day at work and now I will rest my mind and body so that I don't feel like shit in the morning because I decided to drink all friggen night and hurt the people around me" thought.  Once we change the thought patterns that we use to have when we were drinking to new thought patterns that fit the new us....we begin to see change...peace....and serenity.  We let the thoughts pass because we know that the new thoughts are so much better!

Our body....we are such people of habit.  Many of us have trouble with change.  I strongly believe that drinking has been such a habit for me.  I don't even think I enjoyed it as much as I thought I did.  Oh ...don't get me wrong...  that first drink after a long day at work always brought me to that "foggy" place....the one that didn't allow me to "feel".....  but after that, I always regretted it....I slept like shit....My kids made me feel like shit....I felt exhausted....I felt lost....  
I only did major clean ups with a glass of wine.  I only cooked fancy meals with my glass of wine by my side.  I did yard work with a cold beer by my side.  I shovelled my driveway with really cold beer by my side. ...all habits!  I almost didn't believe that I could do these things without booze by my side!! But, I can....and I've been..... and it's actually been wonderful.  I almost feel like these "tasks" or "chores" are pleasant now.  I feel more organized.  I feel like I have more order in this house.  I feel amazing that I was able to break some of my old habits.  I've replaced my old habits with new, healthier ones ....drinking  a lot of ice cold water...resting... running... sleeping... meditating..... living in the moment.....

I've read and heard that it takes 21 days to break a habit or create new ones.  I'm not sure if this is true but I do know that the changes I have made in my life have become easier on me....on my mind....on my soul

We are free to chose.... We are empowered to make decisions that will bring us freedom.  

I think the greatest thing I learned in the past 45 days of sobriety is that it's okay to be quiet.  It's okay to sit on my couch and just listen to nothing....It's okay to "not" have TV or radio on... It's okay to just be still.  When I was drinking, my life was "loud"....my mind was always working....my body was suffering....I wasn't present.  Learning to feel again is the greatest gift I could have asked for.  I truly already have everything I want and need in my life.

Eckhart Tolle says in his book "The Power of Now" that true wealth is the joy of Being and the deep peace that comes with it.  If you haven't found it, you are like a beggar, looking outside for pleasure and fulfillment, validation, security and love.  Treasure is within.

...just checking in

I've been working on a post but haven't had much time to finish it.  It was a busy "sober" weekend with the kids.   

It's my birthday today.  44 years old.... and 43 days sober.....  This is my first birthday ever that I won't be drinking!!  ...except for the years before I turned 16 of course....  ;)

I'm bracing myself for a hectic dinner party that I'm hosting... at my house... for my birthday.... I won't go into why....but it is what it is.....

I think this will be my lucky year.  ....my spiritual journey is in full swing ....and I'm feeling totally blessed every single day.

Day 40!

My mind is messing with me today....

I think I miss my friends.  I've been isolated for too long and I don't have any "sober" friends besides the blogging world.    I ran into an old friend who talked and talked about her life, all the partying she's doing....drinking, going out, dating, laughing.....

And I said nothing.  Just listened. 

It was a busy day and I'm exhausted.  

Staying focused for tonight. Drinking isn't an option.

...on Mindfulness

I honestly can't believe that I'm doing this well in my sobriety so far.  I haven't really had major craving attacks or a lot of stress in my life.  Either that, or maybe I'm just dealing with everyday stressors in different ways.  I'm learning to walk away from a lot of things that I normally would get involved in...and in which would cause me anxieties or stress.  I'm learning to let my negative thoughts or emotions come through me....I feel them...I breathe....and I let them go.  I'm learning that I have no control over the outer world or the people in it.  I can only control me and my reactions to all the BS.

Since my lifestyle changes, I can't help but notice changes in my children.  They are calmer.  We've been communicating a lot, especially on being proactive versus reactive people.  Our motto is " don't judge" and " don't gossip"   It's a great start and I'm feeling more connected to them than ever!  I love it when they come to me for advice on how to deal with the BS instead of reacting to it. I love that my strength and spirit can help them grow.   

When I drank on a daily basis, I didn't pay attention to them as much as I should have.  I wanted them to play on their own.  I wanted them to keep busy. I wanted them to figure out how to solve their problems.  I wanted them to deal with the BS somehow, on their own.  I honestly didn't have the mind frame or tools they needed because I didn't even have them for me to use.....

The greatest thing I've learned about recovery is forgiveness.  I've learned to forgive the people in my past for their mistakes.  I've accepted and understand that they did their best and they only did what they knew and learned.   I hope that my changes now will help my children forgive me...and I hope that the changes now will be so amazing that they won't even remember the past 10  years.  

I still want my children to do these things (be good problem solvers, deal with BS, play, live, be happy)...

 .....the difference is that today, I can give them the tools they need to grow and live more spiritually, calmly and compassionately.

Gosh, I really wasn't gonna go on and on here.  ...  I called this post Mindfulness because on the drive home today from work, this is what I saw....  I was so happy to be present for it....

...and this is what I am able to enjoy...now....as I type.....

my sober buddy

....on Quitting Again and Again and Again.....

I found an old journal that I started in 2007.  It's a sober journal dedicated to my daughter....

I read some of it tonight and can't help but be amazed that I've been struggling with this addiction for so many years.  

A couple of times this weekend, my mind tried to tell me that I probably couldn't NOT drink for the rest of my life.    I struggled with the thoughts for a few hours.....  I let the thoughts pass....but it was tough.   Do I really want to quit drinking forever?  

After reading some more of my journal, I realize that every time I picked up again was because my mind....my thoughts.... my ego.....all magically took over my life and convinced me to do so......

I wasn't mindful back then.  I wasn't spirit.  I was just living day to day....trying to survive, trying to break free from stress, trying to figure out who I was, trying to be a great single mom.

I think I tried to quit at least 8 times from that first entry to the last one.....dated 2009.  

So...when I ask myself if I really have a drinking problem or could I handle not having a drink for the rest of my life, I kinda have to say...shit man....I do have a drinking problem and yes I can quit forever....one day at a time.

I'm done fighting with this alcoholic demon inside of me.   I'm done.  My little girl is 13 years old now.  Soon she will be facing peer pressures and booze and drugs and all the other shit we went through.  I have to show her what a strong woman looks like so that she can imitate me as she grows up.  

March 2007  Kelly's hand at 5 years old

...on Love

What better way to start the month of February than to start my posts on Love!  

I'm not gonna talk about the love we get from relationships or anything like that, because the Lord knows I'm not an expert on that....  I've been divorced for almost 5 years and barely dated all that time.   When I did go through my little dating phases, it was tough.  It was tough because I don't trust people very easily.  I kept a wall up so that nobody could come in to hurt me.  I think the biggest problem, now that I reflect on the past 5 years, was that I haven't truly loved myself.

Loving oneself isn't always an easy thing to do.  We have to really look deeply at ourselves and accept everything about us, without judgment or fear.  How do we do that when we don't like the way our eyes droop, the way the wrinkles come out more and more everyday, the way our belly flab hangs over our pants, the way our hair turns grey because we are aging......  how can we truly love ourselves when we are continuously compared or judged?  

I really think we need to start by seeing past the outer stuff..... we go deep inside our souls....  we begin by loving our inner self...the one that is empowered, fearless and mindful.

You see, I truly believe we are two .... we are each divided.  We have our ego self (our thoughts) and we have our soul self (our spirit)  

Our ego self and our thoughts are not always nice.  They dwell on negativity, on the what ifs, on the cants and don'ts.  They try to convince us that we are not capable of loving ourselves.   We drink to forget about all the "stuff" that our ego is telling us.... We drink to forget that we don't like the way we look.... We drink to stop worrying about our feelings...  our feelings of self-hatred.    We drink to numb the pain.  We drink because we don't really love ourselves.

Our soul self is inner peace.  We are all spirit.  We are all connected.  Once we become the observer of our thoughts, we become capable of letting go of the ego and the thoughts.   We become the person that loves unconditionally.   We become the person that feels, that experiences, that looks in the mirror and says "wow...you are friggen beautiful".  We become capable of loving ourselves.

I see myself differently when I look in the mirror today than when I did in December.  The thing is ...I don't remember being aware of much over the last few years....and I've never even heard of mindfulness.  Becoming sober has given me the capability of becoming aware of myself..of who I am...of my thoughts.....of what I'm capable of.....of empowering myself to becoming who I really am.   Today, I look in the mirror and see a beautiful spirit.  I talk differently.  People look at me differently.  I am calm.  I am love.  I am so grateful to have been given this gift of sobriety.

I don't listen to my thoughts anymore.  I don't let them control me.... I let them pass me by....and make decisions based on what I want and need....whether my thoughts like it or not.  If I would have listened to my mind over the last 36 days, I'd be drinking my wine right now....at this moment..... and I probably wouldn't feel as healthy, strong, beautiful and spiritual.  

Am I ready to date again?   Yikes....  Sober dating will be new to me....  I'll keep  you posted on that if....a big if....I decide to try it in the near future.

For now, I am going to keep loving who I am....unconditionally