...on Thinking "Am I Missing Out?"

It's been a very busy week.

As some of you know, I've been torn about the idea of getting back together with my ex-husband.  We've been apart for over 5 years now, and he has continuously been working at trying to win me over.  I've come to the realization that I haven't really been free from him over the last few years.  He's always there....  getting involved in my life.... no matter what I do...  I haven't had much time to get to know me and figure out what I want or need in my life.

We've been spending time together for the past few weeks, with the kids...  as a family.  It's been nice....  but that's it.... just nice.    I love being with my kids every single day.  I love watching them grow, laugh and live their lives.  But,  when I'm with their father, I feel like there's something missing in our relationship.  It's always been missing and it's time that I face that.  I sometimes wonder if I'm just too damn picky and just not happy with anything.  He's a great guy and great father, but we don't spark.  We don't communicate.  At all.

The meditation of the day in "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie speaks about letting go of resistance.  It says ...don't be in such a hurry to move on...  Relax.  Breathe.  Be in harmony today.  Let today happen and don't worry about tomorrow's feelings, problems and gifts.  So I'm doing that.  I'm not making any major decisions today.  I'm just letting things be and I'm believing that everything I need will be given to me today..... from God ... from the Universe.

I've had some thoughts about drinking during this past weekend.  It hit me hard when we were camping in a tent and most people around the other camps were "socializing" with their drinks in hand.   Alcohol sure was cunning, baffling and powerful to me.  There was a constant battle in my head with alcohol.   The booze was trying to convince me to drink it.  It almost felt like it was sitting on my right shoulder, talking to me.  Here are some things it said....

 -You're not a "real" alcoholic Jen
-You could start drinking in moderation now
-Nobody will know if you pick up a six pack
-Everyone else is drinking around the campfire, doesn't it look fun?
-You're missing out on socializing with everyone
-What's the harm in having a few drinks once in a while
-They are drinking and they aren't thinking they're alcoholics....why are you thinking that?

DANG IT!  The thoughts in my head didn't stop for a couple of days.... and it was hard.

I did a nice 10 KM run on Sunday, which helped tremendously!  I came in 3rd place in my age category and that was exciting!   Running sure does relieve a lot of stress in my body and mind.  I love it so much and I'm so very grateful that I'm able to do it.  If I didn't run as much as I do, and feel as healthy and blessed as I do, I'd be drinking....  I'd be stuck in the vicious cycle again.  I just know it.

My big question today is .....Am I really missing out?

I guess I will always face those thoughts about alcohol.  It must be normal to feel like I'm missing out on something fun at times.  I know that I don't want to drink like I use to... and feel as shitty as I once did.  I know that if I start drinking again, I will become the same "obsessed with alcohol" person that I once was.  I know I don't want hangovers or sleepless nights anymore.  I know that I want to stay healthy and focussed on the present moment.



So, I'll keep working it....  One day at a time.

...on An·o·nym·i·ty

2nd post today

I'm thinking of coming out of the closet.... as in breaking my anonymity.  I'm needing some advice from fellow bloggers first.

I'd like to start posting pictures of me and my family, living soberly and loving life.  I'm a little worried about doing this but I also feel that if someone sees how amazing my life is with my family, it may help them get sober.

I worry that someone from my small town will see me and start rumours around here.  That's probably because all my life I've worried about what others think of me.

But, I'm learning through The Gifts of Imperfection that I'm not perfect.  I've made mistakes.  I'm friggen sober and I'm loving it!  There's nothing wrong with that... right?

I also look at it this way.  If someone out there that knows me stumbles across my sober blog, it may mean they are looking for what I've found.

I don't know..... I need advice.

To show me or not to show me......That's the question?

...on Recovery @ Day 200

There's something about this number that gets me excited about being sober for this long.  I'm not sure what it is.....  double the 100 Day Challenge maybe..... -first time I've been sober for this long maybe.... -closer to 1 year sober maybe.....  I'm just so grateful to be here, celebrating 200 days of sobriety.

Recovery in the beginning was just a word that meant it's time for me to stop drinking and get healthy again.  As I read blogs and articles, I'm discovering so much more.

I love this definition of recovery.  

...to return to the original self

This brings me back to being a child.  My original self, before I picked up a drink was full of hope, life and love.  She didn't know that alcohol would rob her of so much beauty in the world.  She didn't know that alcohol would make her sick and tired.  She thought it was normal to drink everyday because that's what she saw.

It's kinda hard for me to think about going back to my original self because as a child, I lived in fear, guilt and anxieties.  I was surrounded by a world full of resentment, anger and shame.   I have vague memories of my childhood and I'll tell you, they aren't the best ones.  

But when I look at a baby and think about a newborn child coming into this world, this definition makes so much sense to me.  It's exactly where I need to go.   A baby comes into this world full of love, joy and hope.  They are filled with contentment and the universe loves them.  They know no judgement and they aren't judged.  They have courage and face their fears.   They learn and discover all that surrounds them.  They have no guilt or shame.  They just live.... in the moment, without worrying about what everyone else thinks.  

I am so blessed to have an opportunity to really watch my children today.   I've always watched them and guided them, but today I see them through sober eyes and it's so very different.   I see the love, hope and joy in their lives and it makes me want to go right there... where they are.   My kids live in the moment.   I am learning so much from them.  They are my greatest teachers in this lifetime.  They are teaching me to go back to my original self.  

...on AA

Most of my followers know how much I love my AA meetings.  When I walk into those rooms, I feel such a great sense of calmness and spirituality.  So much love.  So little judgement. So much understanding.

I'm blessed to have found many new sober friends through the program.  They've saved my life and I truly believe that my Higher Power has worked through many of them to teach me how to live again....without alcohol.

I found a great article on 12 Things You Should Know About AA

I believe that everyone has to find what works best for them in recovery.  If you're struggling, reach out!  Go to any lengths to stop the cycle.  Find out what works for you!

Have a blessed day!

Thirst Quenching Juice!

My Favourite Thirst Quenching Homemade Juice!

You'll need a juicer.  Mine was 69.99!  Very easy to use and clean!

Next, prepare the following fruits and veggies.

-3 carrots, peel
-1 apple, peel and slice
-1 orange, peel
-pineapple
-1 peach (optional)
-1/2 tsp of Spirulina (optional)  You don't need Spirulina.  I just started using it for its health benefits.  You can't taste it in the juice.

Juice all ingredients.

Add Spirulina if wanted.  

This is so refreshing!   ...  And so healthy!!  Enjoy!

Alcohol....because no great story started with someone eating a salad!

I was excited to chair my second AA meeting last night.  It's great to sit at the head of the table and inspire others to quit drinking and find the sobriety, peace and happiness I have found.  I truly believe that it's exactly where I belong and where I'm supposed to be.....

Nothing beats a room full of grateful alcoholics in recovery, sharing their stories of hope, strength and serenity.

Before the meeting, I was blessed to have dinner with a member from the group.  We went to a nice family restaurant here in Ontario called East Side Mario's.  This sign was placed at the front entrance.

Alcohol....because no great story started with someone eating a salad!

Well, my first thought was...  WTF!  Isn't this a family restaurant?   Why are they promoting alcohol instead of salad?  Then, I thought....  OMG ... these people must not read many great stories.    Then, I thought...   HMMMM.... I think my story did start with alcohol instead of salad......

The thing is I'm choosing to make sure that my story has a happy ending.  My story ends with a lifetime of peace, sobriety and happiness.    Would my story have been different if it didn't start with alcohol?  Maybe.

All I know for sure is that if I wasn't an alcoholic, recovery wouldn't have been an option for me.  I wouldn't have found this gift of recovery and recovery, my friends, is one of the greatest gifts I could have ever received.

Recovery, today, gives me an opportunity to see how I don't want to spend the rest of my life.  It helps me see that being drunk can't be an option anymore.  I don't want to be sick anymore.  I don't want hangovers.  I don't want to be bloated.  I don't want to lose sleep.  I don't want to be numb and oblivious.  I don't want to feed my body with toxic liquid stuff that is hurting my liver.  I don't need liquid courage.  I don't want my kids to see me drunk and puking.  I don't want to waste more time living in denial and in a fog.   I don't want to die.  

Truth is ...  drinking made me feel dead.  I was just living by going through the motions of life.  I wasn't present for any of it for so many years.

Recovery has helped me find the stillness and peacefulness and joys and freedom that life has to offer.  It's so friggen amazing and wonderful.  I'm so very grateful for this.

My story may have started with alcohol.... but I'll tell ya....  I'm glad it's not going to end with it....

...On Emotions

It is so very normal to feel emotional in early sobriety.   We are so use to numbing our emotions and feelings. We've avoided feeling them since we started drinking.....  So, if you started drinking at 13, you'll feel like a 13 year old, trying to deal with emotions.  We must learn to feel them and accept them.  We must learn to breathe, then let them go.....  We can't allow our feelings to sit in the pit of our bodies anymore.  Ask you HP for help. He will work in mysterious ways if you want Him to. Have faith and believe.   Acceptance is key!  Healing takes time.....One day at a time....

Get Excited About Sobriety!

Sobriety is something to get excited about!

Okay!  Let me press rewind.

If you're not sober yet, you're thinking....  ya right!

I'm not going to beat around the bush and tell you that getting sober is easy, fun and exciting.  It's not!  It's not easy!  It takes a tremendous amount of work!  So much work!   Every single day kinda work.  It's not always very fun either.  We have to learn to feel and deal with life .... soberly.  And, how exciting could it really be...... giving up something we truly love?

I have to remind myself everyday that I can't drink like most people.  I have to remember the times that I puked all over my friend's bathroom floor, or passed out from such a bad hangover that my 2 year old was sitting on me trying to wake me up, or the time my friends had to drop me off at home and I was too drunk to let them know where I live, so they knocked on the door and when my 17 year old answered, they said ...is this your mom?  How embarrassing.... for him!  I remember the wasted days of feeling hungover....so many of them.  I remember looking at my swollen face and thinking....holy shit I'm aging so fast.  I remember tossing and turning every single night in hopes that my hangover wouldn't be too bad the next day.  Drinking wasn't always fun for me.  It was exhausting most of the time!

Then, I have to remember that I can't just have one "social" drink, or two.  I want more than just "a couple" of beer or glasses of wine.  Something happens to my mind and body and I want and crave more and more.....  I want to drink until there is no more booze in the house and I can't feel, see or hear anything because I'm so numb to the world around me.  That's how my mind works when I'm drinking.  It doesn't work!  It's just numb.  I lived life in a fog.... not present at all, or even aware of the beauty of life that surrounded me.  No spirituality.  No love for life.  No loving myself or others the way I was meant to love.  Just numb.

I wake up everyday and feel grateful for being sober and healthy.  I ask my Higher Power and seek daily spiritual experiences.  I've learned to be aware and conscious of the world around me.  I decide that today is going to be a super beautiful, wonderful day and nothing will have the capability to change that.  I accept all things that come my way to the fullest consciousness of my abilities.  I stay calm.  I breathe.  I try to eat as healthy as I can because I want to feed my body with love.  I run.  I read.  I tweet.  I blog.  I am worth it!  I say that everyday!  I am worth fighting for!   I love the health benefits of being sober!   Words cannot begin to describe them!  I'm not tired anymore!  I'm not sick anymore!  I'm alive!  In spirit!  In love!   Now, that's exciting!

In the beginning,  I saw no excitement in getting sober.  It took me several attempts to get and remain sober and spiritual but nothing seemed to work.  I walked into the AA rooms twice and refused to listen to the little whispers that were telling me how great life could be.   I continuously found myself in the vicious cycle of drinking on a daily basis, including starting at noon to cure my weekend hangover!  I wanted to fit in and be a part of the rest of the drinking fun and exciting crowd so I drank with them.  I drank alone.  I hid my booze.  I was sick.  It wasn't fun anymore.  It was a chore to drink.  I was tired.  I was sick of being sick and tired.

It's hard to tell someone who's trapped in the vicious cycle of drinking alcohol how amazing sobriety is.... because it's so friggen scary and it's so friggen hard to imagine a life without it!  Sobriety is scary!  I was scared to quit drinking.  It was the only thing I had that made me feel good about myself.  It was the only thing I had that made me feel like I was in control of my life.  It was the only thing that helped me deal with the pain from my past, my anxieties for my future and the tonnes of insecurities I felt on a daily basis.

But, the truth is Sobriety is so exciting!    Once we see that alcohol isn't needed to make us feel worthy of love for ourselves and others, we experience true freedom!  One day at a time.  We begin to see how amazing we feel every single morning.  We discover what freedom is all about!   We discover who we really are and how strong we are without alcohol.   We see how helping others is a great accomplishment in our lives.  We make new sober friends.  We laugh again.  We learn to let go and breathe.  We become healthy....mind, body and soul.  Sobriety becomes so friggen exciting!    It took me a while to figure this out but I am so excited about being sober.   It's great to be alive again!  I've never really been alive yet.... all my life I hid from myself.   I'm so friggen alive!!  It's exciting!

Get excited about getting sober!  Change your thoughts.  Only YOU..... have the power to do this!

Day 190

Day 190 and today I came to the realization that I am addicted to being sober!  I am reaping the benefits of sobriety and trust me, there are so many!

Yesterday, I stopped my housework to play in the pool with my son.  We laughed so much because we were playing a game where we had to tip each other off of the mattress.  When we were done, he said to me "Mom, when was the last time you laughed like that?  Like, a year ago?"  Probably true.  I'm learning to laugh more and love more and be content with what my life has to offer.  I'm learning to pause and have fun.  I'm learning the truth about who I am and I'm finding the strengths I have within.  I'm learning to feel the feelings that come along on a daily basis and letting the ones go that I don't want to hang onto anymore.  This is true freedom and I'm finally learning to live a spiritual life... in the moment....because that's all we really have....the present moment.   No need to numb the pain anymore.  It doesn't exist in the present moment.

I'm reading "The Power Of Now" by Eckart Tolle....  He says:

Is there joy, ease, and lightness in what I am doing?  If there isn't, then time is covering up the present moment, and life is perceived as a burden or a struggle.  The mind unconsciously loves problems because they give you an identity of sorts.  "Problem" means that you are dwelling on a situation mentally without there being a true intention or possibility of taking action now and that you are unconsciously making it part of your sense of self.  A "situation" needs to be either dealt with or accepted.  Why make it into a problem?

When you focus your attention on the now, there really is no problem.

Sobriety and living in the present moment is a new way of life for me and I'm telling you it's worth every minute of hard work!  

I am healthy and free!  We all have the power to get there!  I am a miracle in the works!  I am so grateful to have been given this beautiful gift....

The gift of sobriety.  The gift of living in the present moment!

... on Choices

Alcohol....  so unhealthy.....

Takes away your sleep.  Dehydrates your cells.  Causes liver disease.  Shrinks the frontal lobes of your brain.  Causes weight gain and bloating.  Weakens your immune system.  Causes depression.  Controls who you are.

Picking up that drink is a choice.   I have a choice to put alcohol into my body and feel sick with all of the symptoms listed up above or I can choose to not pick up that first drink.

I've tried to quit drinking so many times before and every time I went back to drinking, I found myself in the same "unhealthy" place.  Sick.  Tired.  Bloated.  Unhappy.  Sleep deprived.  Miserable. Uptight.  Such a vicious cycle.

There comes a time when you just have to realize and be okay with the fact that you just can't drink like everyone else.  It doesn't make us feel good anymore so why do it?  Cravings?  Thirsty?   There are so many healthier options that will not hurt the body!  And the mind!  And the soul!

I have one body.  I'd rather feed my cells with ice cold water and healthy nutrients from now on.  I want it to last for a long long time.

I've been sober for 6 whole months and I've never felt healthier.  I'm reaping the benefits of not putting alcohol through my body.   I sleep like a baby.  I'm running again.  I'm 2.5 pounds away from my goal weight! (lost 16.5 pounds since I quit drinking alcohol!)  I put on a bikini yesterday for the first time in my life!   I know my liver is doing a happy dance in there.  So happy.  I feel healthy.  I feel my cells tingle with excitement sometimes.  It's a great feeling.  I feel strong.  I'm making a choice and I'm not letting alcohol be in control anymore.  I'm in control.  I'm making healthy choices because I'm worth it!

We are so lucky to have been given the ability to make choices.  Nobody is forcing us to drink alcohol and hurt our body.  It's a choice we are making.  A choice!

Decide on making healthy choices today.... because you are worth it!