...on Being.

I got to chair the meeting last night.  I was kinda voluntold to do it, but I really didn't mind.  Again, everything happens for a reason and I was probably put there to hear the little whispers that were meant for me to hear.

I think I'm starting to see a different side of me.   In the past, I would have resorted to drinking so many times over the last 10 months of my sobriety.  Lord knows, I've tried to quit so many times (since 2008).  Nothing worked.  I'd last a few days.  And bammo!  I was back to my old habits.

But, today, something is different.  It's almost like I could feel the blossom growing inside of me.

Learning to live without alcohol is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  Especially, during times of crises and stress!  Drinking was my only way to cope.  Gosh, I was raised that way.  My parents coped with their rye.  I saw.  I did.  That's all I knew.   Nobody gave me the tools I needed to deal with life and the everyday stressors that comes with it.  Nobody told me how friggen hard life could get either!  It's just like "Wham Bam!  This is your life!  You deal with it"

I've come to realize this week, with my "I'm a victim of Fraud" event, that I really do rely on alcohol to numb and cope.  As I feel my heart pound with fear and anxiety, I think about alcohol.  I think about how nice it would be to just come home after a long day at work, drink my face off (without anybody knowing) and just Be.  Numb.

You see, the truth is there is a difference between my old version of Being and my new version of Being.

My old version of Being was to numb and just Be.  No stress.  Happy.  Drunk.  Not feeling.  No pain.  Drunk.  Alone.  This is my version of being that brings me to dark places.  I'm sick.  I'm hungover.  I'm basically not living, really.  I'm not really alive here.  So, why the heck does my mind keep coming back to wanting this life?

I've been very lucky and blessed because I haven't went back to my old ways!  I'm so very grateful for this!  I sometimes wonder how the heck I've made it this far.   The fight that goes on inside my mind is sometimes so very very strong!  One side is pulling me to the drink.  One side is pulling me to sobriety.  Yep!   There is a huge struggle in my mind sometimes.  But, I somehow always come out....with this new version of Being.  I just know that my HP is helping me along the way somehow.  I have so much faith that I'm right where I'm supposed to be....mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

My new version of Being is very spiritual.  I'm feeling the feelings.  I'm feeling the breath.  I'm breathing in and breathing out.  Lately, I'm feeling connected with the most inner part of my Being.... the part that is alive!  I'm mindful.  I'm seeing the beauty in the world, that I once didn't see.  I'm listening more.  I'm healthier.  I'm living.  I'm free!

When my mind wants to drink and take control over my new way of Being, this is what I think keeps me from picking up.....

1.  My HP
2.  I love hangover-free living!
3.  I sleep like a baby!
4.  I've almost been sober for a whole year!
5.  I've made great sober friends through AA, and they check in on me often!
6.  I think I'm a more patient mom!  (most of the time)
7.  I know if I pick up ONE drink, the vicious cycle will begin again!
8.  I'm not my mind.  I'm much more than that..... I'm spirit.
9.  I can't afford it.
10.  I don't want to be sick.


I often hear these new voices in my head saying:  "This too shall pass"  "One day at a time"  "Go to meetings.  Don't drink"  "Alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful"

I like these new voices.

Sober Mommy

...on WTF!

Thank you for all your great comments on my last post.  I've decided to stay home this weekend and avoid the big party all together.   Although I'm doing this so that I don't drink, I still have urges to drink, especially when shit happens in my life.

For the last month or two, I've been praying.  I've been trying to let go of my financial burden and I've been asking God to give me a hand somehow.  I've legitimately made changes to the budget plan and continue to scramble to survive on a monthly basis to make ends meet.  I have a super job ...thank goodness, but I also have a lot of debt and bills and I just can't afford any extras at the end of the month.  I'm even tutoring a few kids on the side for some extra cash.

I have always kept $500 emergency fund in my account and always keep that money there, just in case something comes up.  

It's gone!  

Someone stole the last of my money.  Someone drained my account of the last of the money I had and worked so hard for from an ATM in another country.   Like, WTF!  How does this shit happen?  I don't understand how someone could duplicate my card, find out my PIN and drain my account!

And, besides all the other shit going on in my life, kids, work, loneliness, winter is coming blues, I get into these crazy urges to just drink!

I've always believed that everything happens for a reason.  There's a lesson to be learned in all that happens to us.  I'm having a hard time with this one.

I keep thinking about my sober friend, Sober Mummy, at Mummy Was a Secret Drinker.  I'm not sure how someone could be so strong when faced with such diagnosis.  I sometimes wonder if I'd be that strong.

Why do I want to drink whenever my heart and body palpitate with stress?  I seem to resort to that "escape plan" every time I'm under stress.

It's like a cycle.  Stress comes.  My body reacts.  My heart pounds.  I get anxious.  I get fearful.  I want to drink.

Although, in the moment of stress, all I can think about is a nice big glass of vino, I think I'm learning to "feel" the emotions that comes with everyday living lately.  And, even though, I think about resorting to alcohol for and "escape", I don't.

How this happens?  I'm still not sure.

I just know that I'm doing it one day at a time.  Trying to figure this thing out....

Life.

How Long Do I Have To Avoid People, Places and Things?

My sister wants me to go to a Stag N Doe this weekend...and with Stag N Doe comes drinking, dancing and hangovers.

I want to go because I love to socialize and NEED to have some fun in my life very soon before I turn into a hermit.  I also want to go because I love dancing.  I need people in my life.  Adults.   Fun.

I don't think I'm ready to face the challenges of a bunch of drunkards, dancing and laughing and having a good ole time, while I do all those things soberly.  Don't get me wrong.... I know how to laugh and dance without having alcohol in my system.   I just don't know if I can be strong enough to do it, at an event where everyone else is doing it.  Ok....maybe not every single person, but all my friends will be.....

Part of me wants to drink with everyone and have a blast.  Part of me wants to stay home and lay low in my own little world too.

I don't think I'm ready to go to these kinda things yet.   How long will I have to avoid people, places and things that include alcohol?   I've been sober for 10 friggen months!  I should be ready!

ARGHHHHHH!!

Nothing Grows In The Dark

This was the title from the Daily Reflection the other day.  Nothing Grows In The Dark.

As I read this one line, I got a glimpse of my life over the past month.  I got a glimpse of me saying these exact words ..."I'm in such a dark place."

And I was.  

In a very dark place.  A place of fear.  A place of anger.  A place of anxiety.  A place of wanting to numb the pain with alcohol again.  It was dark!  I felt stuck there.  It was impossible for me to grow.  We cannot grow until we come out of the dark and see clearly....see the light.....see the love around us......see the blessings in our lives.....

I got consumed with the chaosness of life.  I forgot to sprinkle my own life with my recovery program.  I was too busy worrying about everyone else and I forgot to take care of me!   

And ....as I read those 5 words up above, I thought about the flower.  A flower in a black box would eventually die.   A flower that doesn't get sun, water, or nutrients will perish.

I am the flower.

We are all flowers.

If we don't feed ourselves with the things we need, we will not grow..... and we will eventually die.  We need to nourish ourselves with love, health, recovery, and good people.  This is how we grow.  This is what we need to blossom!

It took a while for me to allow my own petals to come out from under the dirt to let the sunshine back into my life.   But, I'm nourishing me now.  I'm coming back into full bloom.

When we are stuck in the dark place, only we have the power to lift ourselves out from under the dirt..... 

With faith, love and courage, anything is possible.

Where are your petals?

Sober Mommy

...on Day 299!

There's just something about that number that I love ...

There's just something about sober living that I love...

There's just something about being present that I love....

There's just something about my soul that I love....

And....

This all happened....


One day at a time.

Sober Mommy

...on Seeing Again

So....I decided to make some changes today.  As you know, I've been riding a roller coaster of sober living for the last month.   I seem to have lost my spirituality and calmness for some reason, and I'm on a mission to getting it back.

I got a taste of it.  I got a taste of living life on a high...a natural sober high.

I woke up this morning with a different attitude.  I decided to be more grateful and even took 10 minutes to sit in stillness.  I didn't meditate or anything.  My mind is way too busy to go there.  But, I did hear my breath.  I felt it go in and out of my body.  I felt my soul lift.  I felt present.  I am spirit really....  How could I forget that?

I had a wonderful day.   I told myself to see the beauty in today and accept whatever happens.  So I did.

I rode on a school bus first thing this morning, to supervise 50 students from Grades 3 to 8 on a field trip.  I really didn't want to go at first and even asked the teacher in charge of the group to find someone else if she could.  She said she wanted me to go because she loved how much spirit I had and how much energy I had.  "The kids need you"....she said.  

So, I went.

I allowed myself to sit on that bus and just Be.   Present.  Content.  Spirit.   As I watched the children laugh and chat with their friends, I truly felt blessed.  Kids are so spiritual and wonderful human beings.  They live in the moment and just do their best.  Most of them anyway.  

The trip went well.  The students had an opportunity to run in either a 1KM, 2KM, or 3KM race.  Kids who never ran before came to the finish line with everything they had.  The cheers from the crowd when the last runner came in, were indescribable.

I teared up several times today.  I was just there.... right where I was supposed to be.  Hugging the child who felt sick after her race.  Cheering on for the runner who wanted to quit and stop.  Telling the child that was nervous that she can do anything she wanted to do.  Giving my apple to the child that had no snacks in his lunch.   Were these some of the reasons that God wanted me to be there?   Definitely!

This is what I saw today....  The sun.  The children.  The spirit.  The love.  The hope.  The joy.  The smiles.  The laughter.  The tears.  The Courage.  It was all there at the exact same time!

And I saw it.....

Sober Mommy

Am I a Dry Drunk?

I wondered what the term "Dry Drunk" meant for a long time.

I'm living it I think.

I'm stuck.  I talked about it at the meeting last night.  Cried.  Got some advice.  ...and I will definitely apply it to my life today.

All my life, I grew up around a miserable, resentful mother.  She drank daily with my father.  They seemed angry all of the time.   A few years ago, my mother told me she resented me as a child.  She was pissed off because I stood in their way.... I was there.  They wanted to drink.  They wanted to party.  I was there.  In the way.

I told myself that I would never be like my mother when I grew up.  I made a promise when I was younger to be a better mom.

I became her.

Resentful.

Angry.

Alcoholic.

When I drank, I was happy for a while until they stood in my way.  I would yell and swear, just like my mother did, to the point where I could hear her voice in me.  I would see the look of fear and loss of trust build up in my kids when this happened.  The way they looked at me was the way I looked at my mom when she was in her fury.

So, I quit drinking.  I thought it would solve all my problems.  I thought "Now I will be a better mom!"  I found some sense of spirituality and Being for several months.

But, for some reason, I'm still struggling with the anger, resentment and impatient part.  Life is so hectic.  I seem to be in a rush for nothing.  I'm not going anywhere really, so why do I lose  my shit when I'm trying to help my kids with homework, or when I have to clean the house cause someone left a damn mess, or when they are fighting.  I get so impatient when things aren't perfect.  Why?

Is this what's considered "Dry Drunk"?  Am I just living like I use to live, but this time without consuming alcohol.... in anger, resentment and fear?   I feel like a ticking time bomb....just waiting till something or someone pisses me off enough for me to go out and get my bottle of vino!  Just waiting for a good reason to drink.

I don't want to drink.  I don't want to go back to numbing.  I'm learning to feel again.  I'm learning to live.  I'm finding my true self.   I'm trying to find peace within myself.  I'm trying to just BE.  Not making rash decisions.  Not making plans.  Just letting go...and letting God take over.

We read step 2 at the meeting last night and this stuck out at me like a tonne of bricks.

We had been asking something for nothing.  The fact was we really hadn't cleaned house so that the grace of God could enter us and expel the obsession.  In no deep or meaningful sense had we ever taken stock of ourselves, made amends to those we had harmed, or freely given to any other human being without any demand for reward.  We had not even prayed rightly.  We had always said, "Grant me my wishes" instead of "Thy will be done."  Therefore we remained self-deceived, and so incapable of receiving enough grace to restore us to sanity.

 This is me.  For real.  I have to make changes.  Letting go of the drink just isn't enough anymore.

SoberMommy

...on Staying Focused

I'm finding my way back to where I was a few weeks ago.  Healthy.  Happy.  High on Life.  I want it back and I'm going to fight till I get it.

I'm grateful today for being sober.  Still sober.  Thank you God!  There is no doubt in my mind that my Higher Power worked for me during the last few weeks.  Its been tough.

I'm not sure what is setting me off really.  My life is good.  I'm healthy.  I have a great home.  I have healthy kids.  I have a great career.

I think I just forgot to be mindful.  I forgot to focus on the breath and the calmness I have within.  I have to bring my awareness back to myself...to my inner self again.  I was self-sabotaging for the past few weeks.  I've been covering up my fears with food, wanting a drink, chaos, TV, isolating.  I got caught up in wanting more than what I have.  More more more.....always wanting more.

I forgot to trust that there is a plan set out for me and I just have to stop trying to make everything fit the way I want it to fit.

I forgot to put my recovery first.  I did nothing for three weeks.  No daily reading. No meetings.  No blogging.  No meditating.  No reaching out.  I did nothing for my recovery.   I thought I had it beat.  I thought I was okay with just living.

Sober living doesn't work that way, does it?  I've learned my lesson and I am forever so grateful for still being sober.  I have to put these 3 things on my daily To-Do list:


1.  I have to stay mindful.  I have to stay in the present moment.  I need to stop thinking of the past.  I need to stop worrying about the future.  They don't exist anymore.   All I have is the present moment.

2.  I have to give my will to God.  I have to put my faith in my Higher Power's hands.  I believe that everything that is put in my path is put there for a reason.   I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

3.  I have to put my recovery first.   Every single day! I have to read my Daily Reflections.  I have to go to meetings.  I have to connect with others, that are just like me.  I have to blog.  I have to remember where I'm coming from.  I don't want to go back to those dark days of drinking, drinking, drinking.....

....on Riding the Wave

My life is like a wave.  Sometimes the wave is higher than others.  Sometimes the wave comes crashing down on me.

I met someone at the AA convention during the weekend.   We got chatting about this wave concept.

I told him that I was at a very low low.  I almost felt like I was going through a major depression.  I wanted to drink.  I envisioned me drinking.   I had visions of me drinking and being happy....relaxing and numbing.  I told him that I didn't know how to get my serenity back.  I lost it for some reason and it seemed so far out of reach.

He told me that life is like a wave.....  sometimes the wave is smooth and we can ride it peacefully and calmly.  Sometimes that wave is high and we are high on life and feel like we can conquer the world.  Sometimes that wave comes crashing down on us and life happens.   He reminded me that this is life.  How do I forget this?  How do I get so wrapped up in stuff that I forget that life is just chaotic sometimes?  I forget to accept.  I forget to take time for me.  I forget to set boundaries.  I forget to breath.  He told me that eventually that wave will be smooth again....we just have to wait until it comes....  That smooth, calm wave always comes back.....

The truth is... I sometimes feel like I can't handle that big wave that crashes down on me.  I don't know how to calm the chaos in everyday life sometimes.  I get so caught up in the wave that it feels like I'm drowning in it and can't get out.

I have to remind myself that the wave will pass.   It use to drive me nuts to hear "This too shall pass" but it is such a big truth in my life today.  I know that the chaos of life passes us....and the more I come to realize this, the quicker I will have the ability to stay in control of it when it comes.

I have to take a step back when the big wave comes again.  It will come.  Chaos happens.  Kids fight.  Life is busy.  Alcohol is cunning.  Life happens.  Sometimes we just have to step out of that wave for a few minutes to allow ourselves to breathe through it.

I'm riding a new wave.  It's a nice one.

Jen
Day 294

Where is my Pink Cloud...Part 2

As I sat in on an open speaker meeting at the conference during the weekend, one gentleman mentioned this and it hit home for me....

"The pink cloud disappears when life happens"

Life happens whether we like it or not, whether we are ready or not, whether we want it or not.  When we learn that we can't control most of the shit that happens to us on a daily basis, we can learn acceptance.  It's so easy to forget this.  It's so easy to throw in the towel and say "Fuck it...I'm done".

But what are we saying "I'm done" for?  Am I really done living?  Am I done fighting for peace and happiness?  Am I done being sober and free? Am I really done accepting?  Why is it so easy to just throw in the towel and say "I'm done, I'm gonna drink my face off"?

It's easy.

It's just easy.

It's easy to pick up a drink and say I'm done.  It's easy to "tune out" of life for a while.   It's easy to numb the pain and the feelings and the chaos....  Lets' just drink for a few hours and forget about life.  Easy...Isn't it.

But, life is still going to happen the next day..... and the next....  and the next.....

I almost threw in the towel.  I wanted to just forget about life for one day....or two....or a week.....  Now, you and I both know that I would have forgotten about life a lot longer than that!

I've been searching for my pink cloud for a couple of weeks.  It's not around me anymore.  Life is.  I'm living it and facing it as hard as it is.  I will get on that cloud again.  I know it's there.... a few miles away, but it's coming back.

I'm learning to feel again.  I'm learning to deal with my emotions, my anger, my fears, my resentments.  I'm learning to live the life that I have.  I'm grateful for my life, but sometimes it's just so damn hard to face it.   I'm doing it sober.

Today, I'm going to accept my life and all that comes my way.  ...because it is happening to me for a reason.  I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Where is my Pink Cloud? ...Part 1

I've been struggling.  And when I mean struggling, I mean I am suffering and trying to find my way back from this tunnel I find myself in on a daily basis.

I fell off the pink cloud about two weeks ago and I can't seem to be able to find it again.   I feel like I've lost all the peace and serenity and calmness and freedom I fought for.

Last weekend, I came this close to drinking a nice cold Ceasar! (Can you picture my index finger touching my thumb?  That's how close!).

I want to drink.  I want to escape, even for just a few hours.  I can't seem to find any other way to do it. ... to escape.

Why am I toying with this drinking thing.  Part of me just doesn't think that I can do this for the rest of my life.  Part of me wonders how the hell I'm gonna survive when everyone is drinking around me and having a friggen blast!  I want to escape...even if it's just for a few hours.

I haven't put my recovery on the front lines lately.  I see this as being a huge problem.  I know it.  I'm skipping meetings.  I'm not blogging.  I'm not praying.  I'm not meditating.  I'm not reading.  I haven't really worked the steps.  I know, deep in my heart, that I need to do these things to get my serenity back, but chaotic life is taking over, and I can't seem to be able to slow it down.

I finally went to a meeting on Wednesday, after being away for nearly two weeks.  It felt so good.  You know.... they keep saying, if you want what we have, you have to work the steps and program.  I know it ....  and I want what they have.

I planned on getting drunk this weekend.  It's Thanksgiving here in Canada.  I was giving myself two options really.  Option 1:  Stay home and drink by myself and nobody would ever know.  My kids would be at their father's house, so I could stay home, hide and drink my face off....catch up on yard work for the winter.  Option 2:  I could go visit my parents and get smashed with them....cause that's what we do there.  Great options for me, eh!!  This was my plan this week.  I would have so much fun! I'd finally have some release of stress and chaoticness!

A friend from the program called me at the exact same time that I was making these plans in my head.  She told me about a Thanksgiving AA convention....tried to get me to go.  At first, I said naw.... I was just gonna hang around the house.  Had so much to do.  I told her I'd think about it.

You see.... part of me really didn't want to go.  I didn't want to stay sober anymore.  I didn't want to suffer with this obsession of wanting a drink.  I just wanted to drink.   I was afraid though.  Something stopped me from picking up last weekend, and something is stopping me now too.  I wanted to drink but I really didn't want to ruin all the hard work I had already did to get sober.  I also didn't want to NOT make it to a year of sobriety.  My sobriety counter is so important to me and I just  don't want to begin at Day 1 again!  I really don't!   And, what are the chances, that this girl called me from out of the blue to tell me about this convention?  Was this an act of God, my Higher Power?  Was He looking out for me and putting these big kick ass signs right in front of my face?  

The next day, my friend texted me that she bought my dinner and dance ticket and she wasn't giving me a choice.   I booked my room and decided to go to the convention.

I miss my sober blogging buddies.  I need you in my life.  I need to blog.  It's like a journal to me....helps me release.   I hope to hear from you again.  I plan on blogging a lot in the next three months....to get me to a year of sobriety.  I'm going to work my ass off to get there!