...Mrs. L

Last night, at the meeting, a newbie came through the doors.  I'll call her Mrs. L.   She looked so lost, so confused, so scared.  Walking through the doors of AA is probably one of the hardest things a person can do.

I remember all of my "first" days I walked into the doors of AA......the first time in 2007.  Then in 2012.  Then in 2014, my latest attempt at getting sober.  It doesn't matter how many times I have trodded through those rooms for the "first" time, it was the always one of the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Pride sets in.  We become ashamed of the fact that we are weak and lost and unhealthy and confused.  We are embarrassed for being a drunken mess.  We are worried someone will hear our story.  After all, society tells us that we are supposed to have our shit together every second of every day!  Society!  What the hell do they know?

We ask ourselves big questions.  We try to seek answers.  Am I really an alcoholic?  Am I even half as bad as these peoples?  Is this where I belong?  What will they think of me?  Can I really stop drinking for the rest of my life?  I can read these questions all over Mrs. L's face.  I remember them ...oh so clearly... on mine as well.

Watching Mrs. L. share a part of her life with the group helped me remember why I don't want to go back there.  I love being free from the demon that carried my soul for so many years.  My soul is free!  I can wake up in the morning and live my life.....  like I mean really live it!  See things.  Hear things.  Laugh.  Cry.  Feel.  Sleep.  Smile.  All of it!  I'm friggen free and I am so very grateful for this gift!  New friends!  New family!  New life!

At the end of the meeting I hugged Mrs. L.   I gave her my number and the list of meetings I attend.  She asked me to be her sponsor.  I told her I wasn't ready for that yet.  I'm still learning to love myself and I'm still learning to live on life's terms.  But, I did tell her that I'd be her friend and that she could call me anytime.  I hope she calls.  I hope she sees how amazing life can be through the sparkle in my eyes.

I wish I could stop Mrs. L. from picking up a drink tonight or tomorrow night or the next night.  I wish I could tell her that her life will be so amazing if she'd just come to meetings, read the big book, pray, breathe and live without the booze.  I wish I could hold her and tell her that life is so amazing when we are set free from the demon.

I will pray for Mrs L.  I pray that God will help her find her way and give her the strength she needs to live without the burden of alcohol on her mind.

Dear God,
With this prayer, I call to mind my friend.
I ask for Your blessing on her.
May angels fill her nights and bless her days.
May she find joy and peace and harmony.
May I be a source of happiness in her life.
May she always know that in me, she has support.
Thank you, God. 
Amen.

Sober Mommy

Today is November 27th.  My sober date is December 27th.  In exactly 1 month, I'd have been sober for a whole year!  Not an ounce of alcohol touched these lips or entered this body!

It's hard to believe that I've come this far on this journey.  It has been quite the ride!

Preparations are underway for my one year "Soberversary".  Cake will be ordered.  My friends will attend.  My one-year chip will be ordered.  It will be a great day for a party!!  My new family in AA has given me the love and support that I needed to get to that day!

I must stay focussed.  I've met a couple of people in the program that were so very close to their one year celebration and picked up a drink.  That just can't happen to me.  I'm aware.  I know how baffling, cunning and powerful alcohol is.  It is so powerful!

I've made myself to be more powerful than the drink!  I've done that, otherwise I wouldn't be here today.  Sober.  Free.  Alive.

One day at a time.

...on the Big Question

The other day, someone asked me the big question.

"How did you manage to stay sober for almost a whole year?"

This was my answer.

I decided, one day, that I didn't want to feel like shit anymore!  It was as simple as that!

I remembered getting up on a daily basis with nasty hangovers and I remembered the constant feeling of pure exhaustion.  No sleep.  Queasy belly.  Bags under my eyes.  Unhealthy.   Booze sucked the life out of me....literally.

I wanted it everyday to relax and be happy, but it the end, it exhausted me and aged me....and made me miserable!  I was dying....externally and internally.

I woke up one day and made the decision to not drink anymore.  I told myself that only "I" had the power to make that decision.   I told myself every single day.... <<Today I am not going to drink>> and I learned to avoid and do everything in my power to NOT pick up.  I stuck by my decision.  I prayed and asked for help.... a lot!

On the days that I wanted to drink, I remembered why I stopped in the first place.

I empowered myself!  I made a decision and stuck by it!  I created a bubble around my body and soul and I decided that even though my friends and family were going to drink, nothing or nobody would come into my bubble to interfere with my decision.  Deep down inside, and I wasn't going to break my new bubble, because if I did, then I'd be right back to where I started.  My bubble was a safe place.  It kept me sober.  It kept me healthier than I have felt in years.

Some days were better than others.

But, every day was worth fighting for....

...on Sober Dating

Sorry about the late post.  I've been running around trying to find a car because my van is on it's last breath.

Here's my Mr. C update.  I haven't seen him again since my last post. I cancelled our dinner date out of fear, anxiety and pure I can't fucking do this!

I received an incredible message from "Feeling" on my last post.  It grounded me again.  She writes:  

Meeting the love of your life is not about shaking and trembling and hoping whatever you do, say and look like will 'please' him. It is about confidence, acceptance and love. You might want to see if you can get to that place within yourself where you are confident, accepting and loving of yourself and from there on see how things are? 

After reading this message, I came to the realization that I am not confident, accepting and loving toward myself yet!!  Like WTF!   I thought I had all these feelings of insecurities under control but I don't!   

Confidence?  Where did it go?  Why don't I feel confident?  On the outside, people see me as a confident, strong, amazing women, but on the inside, I cringe with fear on a daily basis.  

Acceptance?  I know I can't drink anymore.  I've made a conscious decision to NOT pick up anymore.  I love sobriety.  I accept that I'm an alcoholic.  I accept that booze makes me sick and I want nothing to do with it.  If I accepted it so much, I should be able to tell anybody my story, shouldn't I?  

Loving?  I feel like I'm loving toward myself.  I'm trying to live a more balanced life.  I'm focusing on my Being and living more mindfully.  I love the person I am, on most days.  

Why do I constantly feel like I'm hiding under a great big rock afraid to be seen? or heard? I'm afraid to tell my story.   I'm afraid of what THEY will think. 

The truth is, with Mr C., having a relationship would have been difficult for me.  My biggest fear is telling him my story.  I was afraid that he'd have told my past "drinking buddy" my story (the girl who set us up), and she would have definitely told my story to the rest of my co-workers and friends.  She's a gossiper.  I'm just not ready for that shit!  That is the biggest reason why I'm not seeing him anymore.  Other reasons, just so you know:  He just came out of an 8 year relationship (1 month ago), he constantly talks about her, he's still grieving, he love red wine.  I can't love red wine.

So, after my huge reality check, I decided to break it off with Mr C.  I have to refocus on Me.  I know he's dangerous to me.  I need to avoid danger.  

"Feeling" writes:

The relation dream of a lot of people starts with going for drinks on a Friday night and THEY DON'T WANT THAT IDEAL TO BE SPOILED.

Isn't this so true.  It's the way it's supposed to be, isn't it?  Meet a date, have a drink, make out, fall in love..... drink ....drink.....drink....  The relationship dream.  The norm.  

I almost started drinking a couple of times because I keep thinking, <<How the hell am I going to relax and just be me on a date?>>   My head tells me <<I NEED A GLASS OF WINE FOR THAT!!>>

I haven't been on a date since I quit drinking due to the fact that I can't drink on the first date.  Mr C. was my first.  I was uncomfortable.  

This means I'm not ready, confident, accepting and loving toward myself yet. 

I need to get there before I plan another date.

As for Mr C. I hope he does well on his journey and finds someone that loves red wine like he does.  

It just can't be me.

Sober Mommy

...on Sober Dating.

Sober Dating.

What the heck is that?

A friend of mine from work set me up on a date with one of her really good friends.  In other words, my drinking buddy set me up with one of her drinking buddies.   Does that even make sense?

We had a breakfast meet up last weekend.  It was nice.  I was safe.  No need for alcohol at breakfast.  I made him aware of the fact that I don't drink after he talked about how much he loved red wine and loved wine tasting tours, and loved sipping on wine while in the kitchen cooking, or loved having a glass of wine with his meals.   I made him aware.  I just said, "You should know that I don't drink."  He never asked why.  He just said that he respected that.  I'll call him C.

I like C.  He's a gentleman.  He makes me laugh.  He's friendly, kind and sincere.  We text and chat often and I love getting to know him.

He likes wine.

I can't like wine.

...and in the bottom of my pit.....I want to like wine again.

We went out for dinner last night.  Water was brought to the table in a jar (thank God).  I told him he could have a glass of wine, out of courtesy, if he wanted and he said he would with dinner.  Then came the big question.  Why don't you drink?

I DON'T WANT TO ANSWER THAT RIGHT NOW is what I wanted to say.

I don't like that question.  I'm not about to tell a new "friend" who is my old friend's friend that I think I'm an alcoholic or that I have drinking problem and I can't drink the shit!

I guess he can tell that the question made me uncomfortable because I hesitated when I started to speak.  He brushed me off and said...oh no worries.  I was just curious as to why.... maybe you're focussing on your health? .....maybe you just choose to not drink?.... I said yes...yes..  That's it!

I told him that I wanted to take a year from drinking because I wanted to focus on my health.  I told him as I age, I find that my body can't handle booze like it use to and I got really bad hangovers when I drank.  I told him that my parents were drinkers and I didn't want to be like them.

All true stuff.  But then he thought....Oh your year is almost up....then we can have wine together.

This is where I'm stuck my sober blogging buddies....and I need lots of help

Part of me wants to convince myself that I'm okay to start drinking wine with this guy.  We both have dreams to travel.  I want to have a glass of wine with him when we travel.  I want to have a glass of wine while he cooks for me.  I want it all!

Is he dangerous to me?  I know he is.  I know this is a dangerous situation for me.  I like him.  I like wine.  I don't want to be alone again.  I've been alone for 5 years!!

I'm shaking in my boots.  I'm going to see him tonight.

Sobriety is Freedom!

Today I celebrate another hangover-free Saturday.

I love hangover-free days!!  I'm on my 323rd!!  What a miracle in itself!

Today, I get to look out my window and see the snow covered Earth.  Today, I get to sit in stillness and have my morning coffee while writing this post.  Today, I get to feel the air enter my body and my cells rejuvenate with happiness and health from drinking water last night.  I will see my children do something spectacular, even it's just a smile.  I will watch them learn and grow.  I'm not going to miss a thing today.  I'm free.

If someone told me when I first quit drinking how amazing I'd be feeling at this time in my life, I'd have never believed them.  I never thought that I could feel this happy and peaceful without a drink in my hand.

Last year, at this time, I remember feeling sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  I wasn't healthy in every aspect of my life....physically, spiritually, emotionally.  I felt awful on a daily basis.  I woke up feeling shitty from the night before, and went to bed feeling shitty cause I drank too much.  It was a vicious cycle and I had no clue how to get out of it.

If you are here, like I was last year, I'm telling you the truth when I say that sobriety is freedom.  There is only one way out from the vicious cycle.

Don't pick up a drink today and find help.  


1.  Blog

Write about your journey on a daily basis.  We, sober bloggers, are strong together.  We support and help each other out and never judge.  We have a great community with lots of love and support.

2.  Go to meetings  

AA saved my life...really.   The people at the meetings are my new family, my new friends.  The support and love you get when you walk into the rooms are indescribably!

3.  Send me an Email 

Anytime of the day.  All day.  I will do my best to help you.  We could set up a sober plan for you and get you started.  We could focus on one day at a time.

4.  Friends

(unless they're drinkers)  You need good support and understanding.

5.  Meditation  

This will teach you that it's awesome to sit in stillness.  We are so use to chaos, us drinkers.  We don't have to live that way anymore.  I'm taking an online class on Mindfulness and I'm loving every second of it!  They are everywhere.

 6.  The Big Book

If all the people who knew Bill W. could quit drinking with his words of wisdom and the 12 steps, why couldn't you?  You can read it from the link on my blog.

 7.  Space

Set up a quiet spot in your home.  This should be a space where you can go to breathe when you are overwhelmed.

 9.  Family

(unless they're drinkers)  They should be supportive, understanding and loving.

10.  Pray

Have faith.  Believe in the power greater than YOU.


I continue to do most of these things on a daily basis since I quit drinking in December 2014.  I'm happy with the results.  I'm sober.  I'm free.  I'm healthier than I have been in years!

It's hard as hell on some days, just to get by, but it's worth every step I've taken to get here....

Sober and FREE!

Join me.

Sober Mommy

...on The Inner World

"When I quit drinking, 

the world on the outside got better,

but the world on the inside got worse."

I heard this sentence at the gratitude dinner I attended in my town last weekend.  A gratitude dinner is an annual event that includes a wonderful dinner, guest speaker and a dance.

I had a wonderful evening.  It amazed me to watch over 300 people dancing their feet off on the dance floor, socializing, laughing, and sober....something we don't get to see very often.

The guest speaker said many things that I could relate to....but the sentence above really stood out.  I even wrote it down on a napkin at my table.

It is so true how my life has changed on the inside.  It feels like I'm in constant turmoil with my thoughts and emotions now.  My self-esteem has dropped.  I lack confidence.  I lack energy.  I lack some sort of sense of contentment.  I feel like I'm living in fear of the world around me.  Fear of what people think.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of the future.  Fear of damn decisions I have to make.  I'm not sure how this happens when I was so confident, independent and happy .....when I had a drink in hand.....

It's not easy to get sober.  Not because I'm giving up the booze.  It's more because I'm learning to live life without it.  It's the life part that's tough.  Alcohol just covered up all the shit that was buried deep within.

I know that now.

And now, it's coming out.  The shit.  And, I'm still trying to figure it out.....without succumbing to my need or want for a drink.

I'm doing it though.   Living without alcohol.  I never thought in a millions years I'd get this far.

I don't know what tomorrow brings.  I can't change the past.  I'm trying so hard to live for today....in the present moment....

And, with this present moment, I'm sober.

Breathing.

,,,I Remember.

It doesn't cease to amaze me.  The power alcohol has over my life.

I seem to have all the tools I need to stay sober one moment, and in a blink of an eye, they all disappear.  

Something happens to me when someone or something makes me feel uncomfortable.  I get this overwhelming fear and sense of anxiety and I feel like the insides of my chest is notting up uncontrollably.  

I forget about all the tools that I've found over the last two months.  Tools such as the Serenity Prayer,  the Big Book, the meetings, the blog, the peace and serenity, the prayers, the gratitude, the new sober friends, my sponsor, the freedom.  

I forget about all the great things that have happened to me since I picked up my last drink and I want to go back there.  

And, in all the cuffufle of my crazy ass days, lately, I somehow manage to find myself sitting at a meeting, listening to the whispers and remembering why I'm here in the first place.  The moment I walk into the room of AA, I feel love, support, kindness and compassion.  

And then, I remember. 

When the young 24 year old talks about the crazy hangovers he had and spending all his Saturdays in bed because he was too sick to move.... I remember.

When the mom of 3 tells about her story of being the drinking mom that she was....hiding her booze, drinking before driving her kids to their activities... I remember.

When the ole timer talks about drinking on a daily basis and not living his life in the moment or appreciating all the wonderful things in his life.... I remember.

When the young girl, coming out of detox, talks about always wanting more material things in her life and not being grateful for what she has, .....I remember.

When the man talks about saying the Serenity Prayer on a daily basis, because sometimes things are not in our control, and we have to live life on life's terms, instead of trying to control it....I remember.

The point is.... I only feel like I get those Aha moments when I walk into those rooms.   

And,  somehow, something, someone, or some kind of force helps me get into my car at the end of the day, (when all I want is nothing but a drink), and gets me to the place....

...that reminds me of why I got sober in the first place.

 

...on Miracles

Once all struggle is grasped, miracles are possible.  -Mao Zedong

When I attended a conference last month, a speaker said "Wait for the miracle to happen"  

I couldn't fully understand what she meant.   I just wanted to drink and numb the shit out of myself so that I could forget about my problems for a day.  

I didn't.

I waited.

A miracle happened!

I didn't drink!

How does this happen when I've used alcohol for the past 35 years of my life when stress comes about?  How does something like this happen when the desire to drink is so strong, that nothing else in the world matters to me?  How does something like this happen to someone that knows no other way of living because she wasn't taught how to live without alcohol all her life?  How does someone go 10 months without an ounce of booze when she doesn't think she could last even one day without it?

I haven't had a drink!  

A miracle happened!  

I waited.

I didn't drink.

Gosh, as I look back on the last 10 months of sobriety, I can only say how truly blessed I am.  I am finally finding myself....after 44 years of being on this Earth.  I am finally discovering the Being that I am.   I am finally deciding that alcohol is NOT going to affect my life anymore and I am finally taking control over my reality!  I am in charge!  I make the choice!  God leads the way....and I follow.

I can't say that I love sober living every single day yet.   It's not easy.  Some days are a heck of a lot better than others.  But, I sure do love the fact that I've been sober for this long.  I'm living life....fully alive.   I'm learning the true nature of living....fully alive.  I'm learning to feel, to see, to hear, to laugh and to cry.

I'm a miracle.

....on Prayer

I went to a meeting last night.  It was so very powerful.  I heard the little whispers that were meant for me.

There is so much love and compassion in the rooms.  People struggling.  People living.  Sober people talking about their lives.  Honesty.  Journeys.  Struggles.  Compassion.  Love.  It's all there...in the rooms.

Life is hard.

Sober living is even harder.

Sometimes I wonder how I've made it to over 300 sober days.  Sometimes it doesn't make sense to me.  I went through so many days where the urge to pick up a drink was so powerful.

...so very powerful.

Last night, someone mentioned that he heard another member talk about asking God to remove the burden of the obsession of drinking from him.  The man did not believe it could work for him.  He loved his alcohol so much, that there was no way that God could do this for him!  He lost his faith in God a long long time ago.

You see, this man got desperate.  He lost his wife.  He lost his children.  He became violent.  He became miserable.  He was tired.  He was obsessed.  He cared nothing about anything ....but his next drunk.

So, he decided to go home after he heard the member and do as he did.  He shut all the lights in the room.  He got down on one knee.  He prayed.  He said "God.  If  you did it for Jo, you may be able to do it for me.  Please help me.  Please remove this obsession of wanting to drink from me.  Please help me break this vicious cycle once and for all."

He took his last drink that day.  He's been sober for 20 years.

When I first tried to quit drinking in 2008, I had no tools.  I had no people.  I had no idea how to get sober.  I had to idea how to live life on life's terms!  I struggled for so many years.  .....in and out of drunkenness.   My only way to solve a problem was with a glass of wine......lo and behold....the problem was never solved.   I was miserable.  I was oblivious.  I was numb.  I was always sick.  I remember watching my face age in the mirror on a daily basis, from the lack of sleep and the stress caused by alcohol.

It took me 7 years!   It took me 7 years of trying to break the cycle of alcoholism in my life.  I couldn't do it all alone.   I tried so many times to stop.  I'd wake up in the morning and say, that's it!  I'm done drinking!  By 3 pm, I was in line at the liquor store.

I found a gift.   The gift of sobriety.  It's in those rooms.

God works in mysterious ways.

On December 27th, 2014, I took my last drink.  I was tired of drinking.  I was tired of thinking.  I was tired of thinking about drinking.  I wanted freedom.  I wanted to break this vicious cycle.

I prayed.

This is my prayer.  I hope it helps you today.  Have faith.  Believe.

If it worked for Bill, Jo, and me.....it may just work for you.

Dear God.
I cannot stop drinking.
I have tried.
I have tried so hard.
And still, Lord.  I go back and do it,
though I hate myself for doing it.
I cannot stop. 
I cannot stop.
You, dear Lord, are my refuge and security and strength when I cannot go on.
Please lift me up and share Your strength with me.
Please lift me from this burden, the burden of this addiction, 
the pain of this self-hatred,
the power of this demon within me.
I do not have the power on my own to fight this beast.
But You, dear Lord, You do.
You do.
I praise Your strength, and power and love.
Please give it to me.
Please take away my desire to drink. 
I surrender all.  
I lay myself in Your arms.
Please give me a miracle.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank  you.
Amen.

Miracles happen.  Ask Bill and Jo...

and me.

Sober Mommy