...on Step One

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

It's hard to believe that my mind was so warped into a big obsession over alcohol.  It's hard to believe that I thought that drinking everyday was just "normal" in my life.  It's hard to believe that alcohol took all my will to resist its demands.  

When I first entered AA in 2007, I thought that the people in those rooms would "tell" me how to stop drinking.  I thought they would tell me how to get over this crazy obsession I felt over my beer and wine.  But they didn't tell me what to do.  They just shared their boring, "feel sorry for me" stories.  It upset me.  I wanted them to tell me how to follow these 12 steps and show me how to stop drinking!  I didn't go to very many meetings, due to my disappointment in what I was getting from them.  I quit for 88 days.  Cycle began.  Obsession.  Sickness.  Sleepless nights.  Cunning.  Baffling.  Powerful.  I tried AA again in 2012.  Still, I felt no connection to anybody or anyones stories.  I was looking for an easy way out and nobody was giving me that key!  I didn't go to very many meetings, due to my disappointment in what I was getting from them.  I quit for 34 days.  Cycle began.  Obsession. Sickness.  No sleep.  Aging.  Cunning.  Baffling.  Powerful.

I thought AA would teach me how to quit drinking and learn how to be happy without alcohol.  As I read the messages in Step One (12 Steps & 12 Traditions), I hear that I have to realize that I have to teach myself and work on my inner-self to find my own happiness without alcohol.  I have come to realize that what people shared in those meetings were little messages on how to live without alcohol.  

I wasn't ready to hear the little whispers in 2007 and 2012.  I wasn't willing to listen to them.  I wasn't even fully present back then to truly grasp what they were trying to tell me.

When I look back on the past ....I see that they were trying to tell me that they were living a life of freedom from alcohol.  They were "surviving" and they were happy.  They were trying to give me hope.

Today, I'm hearing their messages, loud and clear.  They are "feeling" the feelings that come to us on a daily basis.  They are surrendering and letting God into their lives.  They are living One Day At A Time...and some one moment at a time.   They are telling me that picking up that first drink will bring me back into that cycle that I really don't want to be in anymore.  They are telling me that "We were powerless over alcohol!!"  Not just me!  We!

My worst fear when I walked into those rooms was seeing someone I knew.  And my worst fear came through when I ran into one of my students' daddy.  Like really?  My first one?  How the hell was I going to face him again?  I pondered over my fear for a while and let go of my ego for a few minutes.  Hey!   This man was there for the same reasons I was there.  What does it matter that we know each other.  We are powerless over alcohol and we are both there to work on our recovery!  I let go of the fear.  I let go of the worry.  Because at the end of the day....we both need to be there.  There are no coincidences.  I think that the people we meet and encounter along our journey in life are there to teach us a lesson.  

I hear the words...cunning, baffling and powerful often in meetings.  I love hearing these words because it gives me my new definition for alcohol.  It's not fun, exciting and relaxing to me anymore.  Should be a new way of writing it in the Websters' Dictionary.  This is what it would look like if it were up to me....

alcohol

 

 

noun al·co·hol \ˈal-kə-ˌhȯl

Cunning, baffling and powerful





Step one reminds me of this.

Until I humble myself to accepting that I cannot drink, I will not get/stay sober, even with the power of AA. 

...on Helping Others

Letter to a friend: 

I can't begin to tell you how important and inspiring your message was to me this morning. I teared up when I read it and got my crazy thoughts back together. I sometimes wondered if I was blogging for nothing and if I even made any sense when I wrote my posts.   Times have been tough but I'm trying so hard to look at things in a different way now.  A sober way.   

As you probably know, I've tried to quit drinking several times since about 2007.    I'm not sure why it didn't work in the past.  Maybe I wasn't ready?  Maybe I didn't listen to the whispers that came my way?  Maybe the power of AA turned my life around? Maybe the book I read called "The Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer helped?  

All I know is that I was extremely exhausted!  My mind was exhausted with the thoughts that ran through it:

"Am I an alcoholic?  Do I really have a problem?  Why am I so tired all the time?  Do I have enough booZe to last me the night?  I can't wait till 3 pm...beer time?  Why am I so hungover?  Shit, I missed a whole Sunday cause I was stuck in bed and felt like shit. I need a drink to cure this hangover!  Frigg, I didn't sleep last night again!  I need to pop pills and drink lots of water before bed so I'm not too sick tomorrow. Where am I gonna hide this cold beer so I can have it without kids nagging me.  How am I going to hide the smell of beer coming from my breath?  What's with the damn bad under my eyes?  I'm aging fast eh?  I'm so tired.  I'm out of shape.  I'm bloated.  Shit, liquor store is closed tomorrow...gotta stock up.  Damn it, I can't drive there...in drinking. Can people tell I'm sick?  Why did I puke last night?  I didn't drink that much!  How did I get home?  Why am I broke?  I'm so thirsty...I need a cold beer to quench my thirst!  Is it noon somewhere? "

Anyhow, I'm sure you get it.   The point is I'm tired of the chatter!  I'm tired of feeling so guilty and shitty that I want to hide for a couple of days ...in a hole...and not come out.   I'm tired of aging because of alcohol....something I can actually stop taking if I really wanted to and reverse the signs of aging.  This is a fact.  I've had a couple of people come to me and tell me I look better than I have in years. ...asking me what I'm doing differently.    I tell them the truth. I quit drinking.  

I'm not sure how to explain this to you but I truly believe that we are all empowered to not drink.  I truly believe that once you decide to stop hurting yourself with booze, you are capable of doing it....stopping the hurt!   I learned so much from the book "The Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer.  He talks about the fact that we are not out minds. That was exactly what I needed to get my ass started on this journey!   I started listening to my mind and boy it was a shocker to realize that it never shuts up!

I had to change the way I reacted to my mind's chatter.  

Now....when my mind says, "Pick up a drink, you will feel better".   I reply.... "No I won't!  I may feel good for a couple hours but I'm not stupid.  I know how I'll feel tomorrow!"

When my mind says, "Stay in bed and workout tomorrow instead".  I reply,  "No I won't. I want to workout now because I know I'll feel better all day long."

I am not my mind. I am the "observer" of my mind.  I watch it chitter chatter and I don't listen to it anymore.   How?  I just realize that my mind will never be happy and that it will always want more more more.  And.... I have realized and know that I, my inner Being, has everything I need.... in abundance!! I believe that everything I need will be provided to me.

I know that I'm a better person and a lot more peaceful if I listen to my inner Being instead of listening to my mind.  That Being that knows stillness.  That Being that knows freedom.  That Being in me that wants peace and spirituality.   

When I first quit drinking this time around, I asked God to take away my burden.... The burden of my obsession with booze.  My views on God are different now than when I was a child.  I see God as a powerful energy in everything that surrounds me.    This energy lives in me.  It lives in the flowers.  It lives in the children I teach.  It lives in the sunshine, in the rain, in my dog, in a stranger.    

When I asked God to take my burden (the prayer is posted on my blog...see prayers on sidebar), He did!!   I don't know how to explain it!  

The excessive obsession with wanting to drink was gone!  This is the truth! 

Am I ready? Was I ready?  Yes!   I am ready to re-create my life....to re-create the person I am supposed to be!!  I can only go forward from here.....live in the moment....feel the moment.....embrace the moment.

When I look at everything around me and live in the present moment, I can hear God talk to me.... He's always whispering.  And now, my ears and heart are open to hearing and feeling all spiritual energy that comes my way.  

AA meetings help me because I am open to feeling and hearing the whispers.  I did go to a variety of meetings before I felt connected to some of the people there.  It takes time.  Some of them are friends and have been around the tables for a long time.  It's tough to come along and expect to just fit in.  I sat there for a long time before I decided to start chatting with anyone.  Honestly, I am connected to the meetings that have laughter and hope.  Some of them didn't have any of that so I don't go to those anymore.  I go to the ones where I can laugh, where I can hope and where I can trust.   Since I've been going (about 3 months now), I know who the regulars are. I feel safe. I walk around the tables, shake hands, or hug em all and welcome the newcomers coming in.  I've had people come to me and tell me they enjoyed what I say.   I guess I look at it this way: If I say one thing that can help one person around that table, then I'm serving a purpose.  God speaks through me to help others.  I think that's why I am an alcoholic sometimes.  I feel like I'm being called to help others.  

Imagine if one day you could help one person change her/his life around by telling them what you've learned during this "trying to get sober" journey!   That is what life is all about!!   Helping someone live life to the fullest!   Sharing your story in hopes to help one person find true freedom.

I'm sorry I'm rambling on so much and I hope I don't scare you away. I just feel so amazingly blessed to be on this journey. I feel so awesome!  And I want to pass this on to you!!  So much. 

That book's chapter on Death was an inspiration to me too...actually changed the way I look at everything! I'll write about that in another post.

Anyhow. I wish you the best my friend.   There is a way to finding your true spiritual path.  You just have to listen to the whispers.  Live each day to the fullest.  Surround yourself with people who love you and care for you.  And, most of all....love yourself.

I'm here anytime you want to chat!

Xo

...on Stress

It's kinda funny that I wanted to write this post on stress and the Daily Meditation in The Language of Letting Go was on this topic today.  

I've been stressed.  Not alcohol related stress because I really don't want alcohol right now.  But I have major decisions to make in my life.   My home is up for sale so that I can downsize.  I'm renting to own my new place already in hopes that my house sells fast so that we can just take over this new littler home.  In the meantime, I'm really broke.  My kids are feeling it.  They feel the stress of money issues around here.  To top it all off, we may be going on strike in the near future.  

Stress.  Stressors.  All Around.  All the Time.
I'm trying really hard to deal with stress in different ways.  Breathing.  Living in the moment.
It's not easy when things start to pile up on you.  But it's manageable. 

I look at stress in such different ways now that I'm sober.  I have to or I will pick up a drink to forget about the stress, even if it is just for a moment.  

I see stress as an event or circumstance in my life that is uncomfortable, but temporary.  It's not going to destroy me.  I'm not going to crumble.  It's just a little thorn in my side, that has to stay there for a while until things settle down.  I can handle the thorn.....just for a while.  The thorn isn't going to keep me from taking care of myself.  The thorn isn't going to stop me from living in the present moment.   In reality, the present moment is all I have!
 ....and there is no way in hell that I'm going to start missing my moments again! 

So, yes.... I'm "feeling" the stress.  Not avoiding it.  I'm living it.  And, it's ok.  It will pass.  The universe is not in my control and I trust that it has a plan.

My sister sent this text to me this morning.  Coincidence?  I think not....

Part of today's entry:  One of the most difficult things for us to accept is that beneath all our dreams and disappointments, we live and breathe in abundance.  It is hard when in pain to believe that all we ever need is before us, around us, within us.  And yet it is true.


Just like that!  In a text!  Here's a picture of it!

God sends us little whispers in so many different ways sometimes,  doesn't he?  We just have to be ready and willing to hear them.

...on Following Your Dreams

Only YOU .... Only YOU can follow your dreams.   Only you can make the decision to turn your life around and do the things you're passionate about.  Only YOU have the power to stay sober and be free!  Only you can make  yourself happy.....and absolutely nothing on the outside will do that!

YOU are such a powerful human being!  Find the power that God gave you and follow your dreams.  YOU can do anything you want to do!  Wake up and live in love.....  Love yourself.  Love the people around you.  Love the strangers you meet on a daily basis.  Love....... the only way to follow your dreams and make them reality.

....on Facing Fears

Finally!  Race day is here.  Tomorrow morning!  I've worked so hard to get here.  Sober.  Healthy.  Excited.  Scared.  Feeling it all!

I'm sitting in my hotel, just relaxing and enjoying the view.  It's beautiful.  The sun is shining.  I'm blessed.  

I'm getting out of my comfort zone, slowly but surely.  Facing my fears as they come.  Feeling them pass through my body and letting them go through.  I'm not clinging on to them today.   Travelling alone in a big city is one of my fears.  I'm here.  Breathing.  Living.  Sober.

Quitting drinking for me has giving me the opportunity to get back into running and I'm loving every minute of it.  Running is my new high.  My passion.   After I run, I'm so naturally happy.  I feel healthier than I ever have!  Mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

Life is good...

...on Letting Go of Resentments

During the meeting last night, a couple of members said that resentments are the # 1 killer of us alcoholics.  I believe that resentments are the # 1 killer amongst anybody!

I'm no expert on this subject but I'm slowly learning to live and let go.....  let go of the stuff that bothers me about others.  The fact is...  we can't change people.

I am only learning now, at the age of 44 years old, how to let go of some of the bullshit I've been holding on to for years.   I'm learning to breathe, feel, let go....surrender.   When I feel resentful or angry toward someone, I ask myself "What inside of me is being triggered right now?"  I feel it.  The resentment.  I let it flow through my body.

In the past, I'd let anger and resentments flow through my body...but it stayed there, deep in the pit of my belly....stuck!  I drank to forget about it being stuck in my body.  The resentment stayed in my body and mind on a daily basis!  I knew no other way.  I held on to it because I knew that I was right and the other person was wrong and they had to be punished for their wrong-doings.  So, the more I resented them, the angrier and miserable I got.  The more I drank.  Pain.  Hurt.  Sadness.

In reading "The Untethered Soul" and going to AA meetings,  I'm realizing that I must let all these feelings flow right on through my body.....and watch them go......out of my body.  I know now that I can ask God to take the burden of the resentments away from me.  I pray.  I pray for the person that is wrong, that is mean, that is rude, that is abussive.   And, it friggen works!!!!   It's healing me ....slowly but surely.   How can I live in the moment, enjoy each second of this lifetime, if I'm angry or resentful?  I don't think I can. 

If you believe in a higher power, if you have been sober for a while, if you believe that your higher power has helped you get sober, then you have to believe that your higher power will take away your burden of resentments!  Surrender.  Forgive.  Heal.

I've been preaching the words "Let it go" to my daughter lately.  She's 13 and is carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.  I'm trying to teach her that she has to let go of all the bullshit.  She has to understand that she has no control over other people.  We all have to understand this.  So, "Let it Go" I say calmly.  She doesn't like it.  But, as she watches me deal with life as it comes, without holding on to anger or resentments and she's learning.  

Resentments makes our body sick.  It's like poison to our body.  God doesn't want us to poison our body.  This is our vessel and we only have this one, in this lifetime to live in..... peacefully, calmly and spiritually.  I truly believe that we have the power to heal our body once we heal our minds.  

Getting sober is so much more than just not drinking anymore.   It's a whole new world....a whole new way of seeing life as it comes to us.

Morning Prayer

I need to pray this morning.   I need to remember all the things I'm grateful for....  health, kids, job, sunshine, home, sobriety, my dog, friends, AA...

Stay centered.  Breathe.  Everything I need will be provided today.


Morning Prayer by Marianne Williamson

Dear God,
I give this day to You
May my mind stay centered on the things of spirit.
May I not be tempted to stray from love.
As I begin this day, I open to receive You.
Please enter where You already abide.
May my mind and heart be pure and true, 
and may I not deviate from the things of goodness.
May I see the love and innocence in all
    mankind, behind the masks we all wear and
    the illusions of this worldly place.
I surrender to You my doings this day.
I ask only that they serve You and the healing
    of the world.
May I bring Your love and goodness with me, to
    give unto others wherever I go.
Make the person You would have me be.
Direct my footsteps, and show me what You
    would have me do.
Make the world a safer, more beautiful place.
Bless all Your creatures.
Heal us all, and use me, dear Lord, that I might
    know the joy of being used by You.
Amen

...on Self-Pity

Don't worry.  I'm not feeling self-pity right now because I'm sober and blessed and feel like my little pink cloud is just sailing along.  I'm writing this post in order to help another alcoholic who is stuck in self-pity and cannot seem to take steps forward to get out of it.

I've been so worried about another AA member.  She is right there.  Stuck in self-pity.  She's struggling.  I've been there.  Often.  Funny thing is ... I'm just realizing where this place is....this place of feeling sorry for myself....this place of anger, resentments and fear.  When I was in this place a couple of weeks ago, I had no clue I was there.... in this place.... It took me a while to believe that I had the power to get out of this place.  But, I did it!  I eventually came to realize that I HAD to get out of this dark place, otherwise I would have picked up that first drink and found myself in the same place I've been in... for the past umpteen years.  Drunk.  Sick.  Tired.  Unhealthy, mentally and physically.

Self-pity gave me this false sense of comfort.  It obscured my views from reality.  And, I know that the longer I stayed there, the shittier I felt and the more I obsessed I became with my thoughts.  My thoughts and I don't mix well..  I forget that they are just thoughts.  They are not me.   If I listened to that voice in my head, I'd always be stuck in this dark place of self-pity and resentments.  I'd always dwell in self-pity.  The voices in my head are never happy.  Thanks to The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer, I learned that I am not my thoughts.  I am the person inside of my body that sees the thoughts and feels the feelings.  I am more that the thoughts.  I am the spirit inside.  The observer.  I am the one who knows that everything she needs will be provided to her on a daily basis.  

My son has been dwelling in self-pity.  He's totally obsessed with the fact that I'm not rich and cannot buy him all the "stuff" he wants.  All his friends have all the xBox games in the world, iPads, basketball nets and they aren't bored like him.  He's angry with me.  He's angry because I can't buy him "stuff".  How do I make a 10 year old see that my love should be more than enough to fill his need for stuff?   Yeah.  I know.  It's gonna be difficult.  But, as I watched and listened to him this weekend, I realized that he's stuck there.  Stuck in self-pity.  Obsessed with this idea that we are poor.   He's stuck in his little head and boy oh boy, I hope he gets out of it soon.

How do we get out of this "Self-Pity trap?"

1.  Be aware of the Self-Pity trap
2.  Feel the feelings
3.  Accept the feelings
4.  Allow them to pass through our body
5.  Let the feelings go


First, I think we really have to come to a realization when we are in caught in a self-pity trap.  When we want to be alone and not reach out for help, we are feeling self-pity.  When we are feeling shitty or pissed off cause we don't get what we want, we are there.   When we are upset because we can't drink like many "normal" drinkers out there....we need to say.... "I'm feeling sorry for myself".  
Once I realize that I'm dwelling in Self-Pity, I can become aware of all the feelings that are attached to being there.  If I'm pissed off, I have to figure out why.  If I'm resentful, I have to figure out toward who.  I'f I'm sad, I ask myself questions to what is making me sad.  So, the second step is to "feel" the feelings and be aware of them.
Third thing to do once we feel the feelings is accept them.  We are human after all and we just have to realize that it's ok and normal to have these millions of feelings surround us on a daily basis.  It's uncomfortable for us alcoholics because we are not use to dealing with feelings.  We are use to drinking and numbing them.  We are use to hiding and forgetting about all the things going on in our lives.....even if it's just for a little while.  It was easier then, wasn't it....you know ... when we could drink to forget about all the bullshit?   Hell ya!  It was easier to have a good buzz on and forget about all the shit, even if it was just for a little while.   We have to be okay with being uncomfortable.   Life isn't always going to be "perfect".  We accept the feelings.  We are aware of them.  We let them pass through our body, our vessel.  
Then, we let go.....  We breathe, become aware of the feeling, "feel it" go through the body and let it go.  Surrender.  


We are really powerful human beings.  We have been given so many gifts.  We have the power to change our thoughts.  We have the power to "not" pick up a drink.  We have the power to be sober and healthy and free!!!  We have the choice to get up in the morning and live a life full of happiness, love and joy!   We have a choice to live in love or live in fear.  

Find your power.  Spread love.

....on Willingness

When drinking, I live in spiritual, emotional, and physical confinement.

When I first got sober, someone asked "Are you willing to go to any lengths for your sobriety?"  I said yes at the time, but part of me brushed off that questions, thinking..."okay, lady.  Don't exaggerate".  I don't think I understood the deepness of the question.

Today, I am happy to say that I truly understand this question.  Would I go to any lengths to stay sober?  Hell yes!   I'm definitely making it a priority in my life, that's for sure!   Why?  Because I'm discovering who I am!  And I'm loving it! 

Because I am willing to go to any lengths to get sober, I am finding a new sense of freedom.   I am willing to go to meetings.  I am willing to reach out.  I was willing to get a sponsor who is on my ass.  I am willing to surrender.  I will not pick up that first drink. I am willing and ready to "feel" the feelings that come upon me on a daily basis. 

Willingness comes from somewhere deep inside.  It usually requires a lot of work and energy but the benefits of being willing to go to any lengths are amazing!  But it does require work, every single day.  It begins when I first open my eyes in the morning.  It begins with remembering the amazing freedom, love and hope that I've surrounded myself with ....

My willingness to stay free from this demon and not feed it anymore has given me so much spirituality, strength and so much more love than I have ever imagined possible.  I am slowly seeing my body, soul and mind become healthy for the first time in my life.

I am truly blessed.

...on Surrendering

If I don't surrender on a daily basis, I live a turmoiled, gotta be my way or the highway life...which doesn't work for me....which actually led me to my drinking days.

We all want to be in control of everything.  We all want it and we can't deny it.  When things don't go our way, what happens?  Fear, anger and resentments set in.  We lose our serenity and our spirit becomes ill.  I felt this in the past few days.  Ill.  Like, what the heck is wrong with me and I want my pink cloud back ill!  I'm a work in progress.

By surrendering to God (my Higher Power) every morning, I am able to look at my life in a different lens.  I become more grateful for everything in my life.  I become more aware of my surroundings and the people that I encounter.  I learn to accept things as they come.  I am more peaceful.  ..... and I have to let go and believe that everything in my life is happening for a reason and I am right where I am supposed to be.  

Accept.  Let Go.  Every day.

AA meeting last night...amazing.   There is so much power in going to AA meetings.   So much spirit.  What a gift I have been given.  

Reflection of the Day (taken from the Daily Reflections for AA members)

Today, I am no longer a slave to alcohol, yet in so many ways, enslavement still threatens - my self, my desires, and even my dreams.  Yet without dreams, I cannot exist;  without dreams, there is nothing to keep me moving forward.
I must look inside my self, to free myself.  I must call upon God's power to face the person I've feared the most.  The true me.  The person God created me to be.  Unless I can or until I do, I will always be running and never be truly free.  I ask God daily to show me such a freedom.  

I surrender.

...on Struggles

I wanted to drink last night.   I wanted it bad.  So bad, that my heart and chest hurt.   I literally heard my mind talking to me, convincing me that there was no way in hell I can do this shit anymore.  

What triggered it?  No clue.  Nice weather?  Drinking friends?  Miss chaos?  Need to numb?  Still pissed off at my ex and can't get over it?  No clue.

I kept myself busy.  Ate.  Napped.  Rested.  Although I didn't drink, part of my mind doesn't think I can do this anymore.

For the first 100 days of my sobriety, I felt lifted.  I felt that God lifted the burden of wanting the drink.  But, lately....I'm just not feeling it.   I've been forgetting prayer.  I'm forgetting to ask God for help on a daily basis.  Maybe, that's missing too...

My AA friend, who is like a brother to me gave me a call at 7ish last night, asking if I wanted to go to a meeting.  I didn't want to go.  I wanted to stay in bed and feel sorry for myself actually.  He knew something was up and asked what was going on.  I was honest.  I told him were my head was.  
He just said.... "Hang tight.  I'll be right there to pick you up"

I know.  God sent this guy along my path for a reason.  

Part of me keeps trying to convince myself that I'm not "really" an alcoholic.  I'm not a "bad" drunk.  But, feeling my struggles last night and wanting the drink that bad must mean something.  Don't we only crave what we are addicted to?  

My friend told me that the demons were talking to me last night.  This sentence helped remind me so much of where I was last year.  I've always believed that the alcoholic demons wanted  to take over my life....keep me in a fog...  But, I also believe that I'm so much more powerful than them....to never let that happen again!

The meeting was exactly what I needed.  I broke down for the first time since I got sober while I was speaking.  I was suffering.  I had to release and I did.  Some of the oldtimers said it gave them strength to see my struggles.  Not sure what it means yet but if my struggles are helping them, good.  

I woke up in prayer this morning.  I need it.  I won't drink today.  Just for today.  One day at a time.

...on Choices

Today, I am so powerful.  My newfound sense of freedom has empowered me beyond words.  I've learned that I have a freedom to make choices.  I can make good choices.  I can make choices to feed my body with love.  I can make choices to accept all outer circumstances of my being.  I can let go of things that make me uncomfortable.

Choices.  I've always had them.  I've always know them.  But with the booze, my mind was foggy and the choices I made were not healthy.  I wasn't present to even have the courage to make the choices that were good for my soul.

I went to a meeting last night.  I gotta admit.  It was awesome!  One oldtimer came to me and said " God I love seeing you.  You're always so happy and smiling.  Are you living in love lately?"   And.... this was so very powerful.  

I've mentioned this in a post before and I've said it around the tables at AA.  His words made me realize that I do have an impact on peoples lives.  

We really have two choices on how to live our lives on a daily basis.  We can choose to live our lives in fear or we can choose to live our lives in love.  Everyday, I wake up and I make a choice.  I choose to live my life in love!  I choose to feed my body with love.  I choose to love myself unconditionally.  I choose to be around loving people.  I choose to be loving toward the people in my life.  I choose love.  It's an amazing feeling.

When fear tries to set in, I realize that it's normal.  I "feel" it.  I accept it.  I let it go.  

Takes practice.  Love.  The only way to true happiness and freedom.

Celebrating 100 days of sobriety today!!  First time ever!!!  Woot Woot!!

...on the New Me

Not gonna lie.  Been having some troubles over the past couple of days.  Been doing way too much thinking for my own good.

I finally got to a meeting (haven't been since Tuesday)  and realized tonight how important they are to me now.  They almost "rejuvenate" me.

I'm feeling stressed.  It could be the beautiful spring weather.  Ya know...warm weather & cold beer...kinda goes together.

I'm realizing what some of my triggers are.....  kids, spending money, not running, eating shitty, weekends......  and I'm learning to deal with my "feelings" as they come to me.  Becoming more aware and mindful has helped me in this area.  

I love being in this state of awareness.  I love that I'm able to "feel" the feelings.  It takes time and practice to be okay with all this stuff.  All my life I lived in a fog, not feeling anything or avoiding feeling anything at all costs.  I was numb.  I use to drink to forget about them all....now I just have to "feel" them and accept them as they come ....  Practice.  Patience.

I'm struggling because there's a new me in town.  A quiet, reserved one.  A new me that enjoys living in the moment.  A new me that is aware, conscious and mindful.  One that listens instead of talks so much.   One that is calmer.  One that is grateful.  One that breathes.  One that feels.

I went to my sister's house tonight and she kept asking me if I was okay.  I was definitely okay but I was quieter than usual.  Something that not many people are use to.  I was enjoying myself, chatting with kids, chatting with her.  I was calm.  I told her I was in a happy place and she just said...."well we aren't use to that."

No shit!

I'm not use to that!  Made me wonder if I could get use to that.  Made me question all my efforts of getting sober.  Is this new me the real me?  Is the loud, chaotic, crazy, funny one the real me?  Who is the "real" me?  There are two of me for God sakes!  

I'm not gonna lie.  I'm struggling with the fact that I miss the "drunk" me.  I miss the numbness sometimes.  I miss the chaos too.  Crazy eh!?  Part of alcoholic thinking?  Definitely!!  I learned that in my meeting last night....we are addicted to our old ways of thinking, our old ways of behaving.  We must learn to live a new way of life.  I am definitely ready to say goodbye to those old ways of thinking because it did nothing but cause me pain and unhappiness.  I was trapped living in a life that wasn't mine.  

I love my new quieter self, but I do miss the loud, confident, crazy one at times.   She's been a part of my life for so long.  I will probably always miss her.   Its time for me to face the reality of my life.  I'm an alcoholic.  My mind becomes obsessed with alcohol.  I get sick.  I don't sleep.  I don't feel.  I became miserable.

I truly believe that alcohol helped me create another "me".  One that was fearless.  One that was numb.  One that was oblivious to the world around her.  One that had a great big wall built around her, in order to protect her from pain.  When most of your life revolves around the booze, I guess it takes time to discover the new person deep within that is able to live without the booze.   She's in there.  She's in all of us.  We just have to take the time to find her, open the doors and let her out from behind the walls she's created.

I like this new me.  The one that has been sober for 99 friggen days!   The one that is conscious of the world around her.  The one that is aware of all the feelings that come on a daily basis.  This new me revolves around peace and serenity, quiet and calm.  I like her.  A lot.  Just takes some getting use to .....