...on Depression

Last night's topic at the AA meeting was depression.  It scares me to know that people can get so deep into a hole that all their thoughts lead them to suicide.  I heard many members tell about their thoughts about suicide and planned suicide attempts and thought... wow, they are brave to tell us about this.   It helps me to know that I can be real and true to myself in the rooms and the amount of support and serenity in there is amazing.  One woman talked about her plan to commit suicide and take her cats with her.  One young guy, maybe 21 admitted himself into the hospital the other day because he wants to go too.   This stuff scares me deeply.   I mean, I'm not a doctor or anything but I feel like I just want to tell these people so much!

I am ever so grateful that I've never found myself to have major thoughts of suicide or planned suicide attempts.  I mean I did have quick thoughts here and there about how much easier it would be if I was gone, but those thoughts passed quickly because I wouldn't allow them to take over my mind.

I have found myself to be depressed quite often though.  I was on anti-depressants for years while I was drinking.

When I stopped drinking, I stopped my anti-depressants too....all in one shot.  I figured if I'm going to withdraw from one, I'm going to withdraw from it all!   It was tough, in the beginning.  I had bad side effects from coming off of the anti-depressants.  Really aweful brainzaps and dizzy spells.....
But, I trudged through it.  I suffered for a while to get to the freedom I have today.  It was worth it!

I spoke last night.  It was tough for me but I'm practicing being authentic, as Brene Browne taught me.   It takes practice to be true to myself because I haven't been honest with myself or with others for many years now.  I've been trying to be perfect so that everyone likes me.  I've been trying to make everything around me perfect so that I didn't disturb me or anyone else for that matter.  I've just wanted to fit in for years..... and to fit it, I wasn't being authentic.  Being a people pleaser is hard work and exhausting!

I told them how much it frightened me to know that people wanted to end their lives  because of depression.  I know it exists and I know that people can get stuck in the big black hole, but there has to be a way of reaching out!  I didn't want to reach out when I first got sober.  I isolated myself and felt sorry for myself for months because not only did I lose my bestfriend (aka beer and wine), I lost my drinking buddies, my parents stopped coming to visit me, my confidence shot out the door because now I had to feel all the emotions that I once numbed.  What saved me from going to a deep hole is the fact that I realized that my thoughts are not who I am.   "The Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer taught me how to untether my soul from the rest of my body and mind. And, it came through.  I learned to be grateful, happy, content, calm, still, free.  I learned to find connections through the program and I'm learning to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks.    I'm okay with being alone.  I'm okay with being in debt.  I'm okay with my body image.  I'm okay with quietness.   I'm imperfect and I'm okay with that too.  My favourite quote is "Everything I need shall be provided today".   I live by this quote.  I'm learning to feel worthy for once in my life.  I'm worthy of being sober.  I'm worthy of living my life to the fullest.  I'm worthy of love and relationships.  I'm worthy of asking for help.  I'm worth feeding my body with good wholesome foods.  I'm worth it and I'm going to work damn hard to set boundaries and take risks to step out of my shell....  because I'm worth it!

Life is amazing when you think about it. There is way too much to live for today and I don't think it's our job to take our own lives away from this Earth.  It's not our job!  It's our job to find ourselves, discover who we are, and be okay with all that is.

There IS a way out of depression.  I pray that the people who spoke up last night find their way through it.  I reached out to both of them in hopes that they see a glimmer of light shining through.

Have a blessed day!

...on Celebrating!

Half of a Year!  I can't believe that I've been sober for half of a year.  Yesterday, I celebrated my 6 month soberversary!   It was my own quiet celebration but it was there.... in me.

My son also had a celebration yesterday too... his 11th birthday party.  I had 7 boys run around my home for the afternoon until about 3 am.....  They are sleeping.  I am blogging.  This is my favourite time of the day.

The staff at work had a celebration Friday too....  end of year drinks at the restaurant nearby.   I didn't go.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post, but I want to say that I love being free to choose my celebrations.

Every year I throw birthday parties for my kids.  Truthfully, it was a great time for me to drink!  An excuse.  My thoughts were "OMG.  There's too many kids running around.  I need a drink."   Kids were busy.  I drank.  Alone.  I numbed myself so that I didn't have to listen to the chaosness.   The problem with this is that I never had the opportunity to listen to the joy that the kids were experiencing either.  I was so caught up in my obsession.  I was too busy... drinking... making sure that nobody got hurt because I couldn't drive anyone anywhere.... feeling stressed about the chaos of having kids mess the house or get loud.  I was plain miserable and so very stressed!  

Yesterday's party was the best one ever!  I watched they boys play, scream, mess the house up, and live in the moment.  I loved every second of it.  I was calm.  My sister came over and kept asking me what was wrong.  She said "I don't know how you handle it".  She's so use to me feeling irritable in these situations and uptight about all of the action because that's how I was living my life.  I was irritable!  I was loud!  I was stressed out!  All the time!  Not just at birthday parties!  Everyday, people could see and feel the stress around my Being!   But, things have changed for me.  I don't think she likes the new me very much.  It's not the first time she's mentioned that I "seem" different.  But I am!  I am so happy and it's coming from the inside out.  It's a "quiet" happy.  It's freedom.

I chose not to go out with the staff after work on Friday.  I could have went, and had a pop.  But, I didn't.  I don't feel connected to most of them anymore.... not like I use to be.  The connection was all alcohol related.  We use to have monthly "choir" practices at someone's home, get all shit-faced and feel like crap for a whole day.... well, I did anyway.  Looking back, I was probably the only one who puked her face off at someone's home, pass out on the bathroom floor, dance with the dog, yell, scream, get rowdy, take off her shirt.  That was me!  All of the above.

Or, that was the person I thought I was.  I thought I was just..... normal.  But I wasn't.  I wasn't my true self at those parties.  I was being someone else so that I could feel like I "fit in".  I wanted to be cool.  I wanted to be loved.  I wanted people to accept me and love me and think I was the funnest person at the party.  I wanted people to see me as strong, fun, cool, happy.......  And, they did.  They'd say things like...
-That was the best party ever!
-Can't have a party without you!
-Are you gonna be there tonight?
-You were so funny last night!
-OMG, remember when you ......
They'd say these things and it made me feel good about myself.  It fed my Ego mind and told me that it was normal to drink my face off to entertain everyone else.

What wasn't normal was the way I felt the next day.  Sick.  Wasted days!  Wasted mind!  Wondering what I did last night or how I got home.  I'm sure people said....
-OMG, did you see what she did last night?
-She's so loud and annoying
-I can't believe she passed out on the bathroom floor...at 10 o'clock!

I feel more "normal" now.  My true self is coming alive again.  I'm learning to be happy with who I am and the people that will love me, will love me for who I am.  I'm finding connections with people who bring me peace and serenity.  I am calm.  I am taking life as it comes to me and I'm enjoying the little moments that I would have otherwise missed.  I am healthy.  I am sleeping like a baby.  I am free.  I can drive anywhere, anytime.  I love my life.  I have the power to choose to be happy.  I have the power to choose which celebrations I will attend.  I choose love.  I choose to connect and celebrate with the people that make me feel whole again.

...on Morning Routines

Today, I picked up my Daily Reflection for the first time in two weeks.  I made it a habit in the past to wake up in the morning, read my daily reflection, say a prayer, blog and sit in stillness with my cup of coffee.  But for the past two weeks, I haven't done any of that.... and let me tell you.... my body, soul and mind are feeling it.

Today's reflection was perfect for me.  The first and last line read....

"When I first came to AA, I was run down by the bottle, and wanted to lose the obsession to drink, but I really didn't know how to do that.  

The obsession to drink was removed and -one day at a time_ my life went on, and I learned how to live sober." 

The reflection talks about how to find your own Higher Power and not worry about what other people think about it!  Ask your Higher Power for help!  Ask Him to remove the obsession of drinking!  Every minute of the day!  Until it's gone!!  I don't want to sound crazy, but it worked for me!!!  (and I was obsessed with my bottle of beer and my bottle of wine)  Obessesed!  I still get small cravings once in a while, but they pass.... just like bad cramps....

The AA meeting I went to tonight was probably one of the most powerful meetings I've been to yet!   My meetings are so important to me!  I know this now.   I haven't had time to go regularly but tonight I heard the little whispers speaking to me loud and clear. .....whispers telling me that I'm going to be okay.   The moment I walked in, I felt the connectedness that I've been longing for.... for the past two weeks.   I belong there.  I don't have to pretend to be somebody else when I walk into those rooms.  I can be my authentic self....    I am learning this in my e-course from Brene Brown and I'm loving every second of it!

At the meeting, I got to read the same daily reflection to the group!  Twice in one day!   Now that's gotta be my higher power working to help remind me of the importance of morning routines ....

I've been out-of-the loop lately and I'm sure it's because I've forgotten to take my daily spiritual steps to keep me spiritually fit!  I've been a lost soul, waking up late, into total hecticness, hop in the shower, get kids ready, make lunches, run around, late for work....just madness I tell ya!  Just like the good ole days!  Drinking, hangover, run around, late, hecticness, anger, anxieties....  This stuff just creeps up on us, doesn't it?

It can't be that way anymore!  This hecticness, not organized, all day feeling is what will lead me to drink and I just don't want that to be a part of my life....  so I must be mindful of hanging on to my morning routines.   They really do set the tone for the day.  Set alarm a half hour earlier.  Read Daily Reflection.  Pray.  Blog.  Coffee.  Stillness.  Enjoy.  Gratefulness.  This is what is going to keep me spiritually fit!

I'd love for you to comment about your morning routines, your spiritual steps, the start of a new day habits.....  I think it's so important to begin with some kind of routine to start us off on a good, calm note.

Have a blessed day!

Sometimes when I read other bloggers' posts, I think, OMG they are such great writers compared to me.   I've never been a strong writer.  I can teach 10 year olds how to write nice paragraphs with topic sentences and concluding sentences.  I can teach them how to add detail to their work and how to make their writing more exciting.  But, my writing .... is just like me....  Simple.  To the point.  It may not always be strong, but I enjoy doing it.  So I continue to blog.

I'm good at Math though.... ;)  Put a problem in front of me, and I will figure it out.

I went on a "date" with my ex-husband last night.  I love the fact that he doesn't drink and it was something that I didn't have to worry about...at all.  We went out for dinner ... a Chinese restaurant then a tribute to Michael Jackson concert.  It was a wonderful evening.   It was nice to enjoy the evening, in the moment, instead of worrying about the past or the future, which I've been accustomed to doing.

I loved my fortune cookie and I'm taking a big step posting my picture here, but I thought "what the heck"!  It goes well with all the stuff I've been posting about loving myself .....and how ironic is it, that I got this cookie...

I think I just may use those numbers for a lottery ticket tonight!

...the Point of No Return

But, the problem with drinking alone is that that's when the vino morphs from being 'social lubricant' to 'self medication'. 

I love this quote from mummywasasecretdrinker, my twin sober blogger.  As soon as I read it, I copied it for a post I need to write about.  

I drank alone.  Just about everyday.  I drank socially too.  Every time I was around other adults, I wanted them to drink with me.  It was a great excuse to drink.  People = Drinks.  I wasn't around many people very often.  That was the problem.  At the time, I didn't know or think it was  a problem of course.  But it was.  I see it now.

I drank because it made me feel good.  It brought me to a place of no fear.  I was afraid of nothing.  Nothing could hurt me or bring me down.  Fearless.  It brought me to a place of contentment.  I was just happy, feeling the buzz....being numb.  Content.  The only problem was that the great feelings of bliss only lasted for a few hours.  The more I drank the better I felt, until I reached a certain point....  the point of no return.....

Such a cycle....  

 drink.....no fear....content....buzz.....point of no return.....guilt.....shame......sick.....scared...sad
 drink.....no fear....content....buzz.....point of no return.....guilt.....shame......sick.....scared...sad
 drink.....no fear....content....buzz.....point of no return.....guilt.....shame......sick.....scared...sad


It never failed too.... especially toward the end of my drinking.....  I always seemed to reach the point of no return.... every single time.   Whether I drank alone or socially..... I always passed the point of no return.

After reading the quote up above and being sober for almost 6 months (yes almost half of a friggen year without an ounce of booze....so shocking to me..... so crazy to me.....!!!), I realize that I was self-medicating.  I realize that the alcohol I drank was my medicine....   The feelings it gave me before the point of no return were all I needed to feel alive and healthy again.  I didn't care about the aftermath because the medicine cured me, even if it was just for a little while.  The guilt, shame, sickness, fear and sadness would all go away with another shot of my medicine anyway....so why not?  It was easy.  It was easy to get refills.  The liquor store was just around the corner.  I had a lot of hiding spots, so that it was out of reach from my children.  It was healing my disease and curing my pain.  So I drank.  

The thing is.... the person that I thought I was doesn't even exist!!  What an amazing gift it has been for me to realize this!  She doesn't exist!  That wasn't the "real" me in there!  I've come a long way to realize that that drinking person was such an impostor.  She was hiding.  Hiding from her past.   Hiding from the pain.  Hiding from her realities.  Hiding in a body filled with alcohol and numbness.  She was fake.... living her life the way everyone else wanted her to .... living to make everyone around her happy, but herself.

Truth is, I was living like a little butterfly trapped in her cocoon.  Hiding.  Drinking.  Numbing.  No need to come out.  I was safe.  I kept the world around me safe and perfect so that nobody could hurt me.  It was warm and cozy in my cocoon.  Most days.  

I've stayed in my cocoon long enough!  Time to emerge into the beautiful butterfly that I am supposed to be....  free..... 

I'm feeling it....  the freedom that comes with sobriety.  I'm beginning and trying really hard to love and accept the new me...  the sober one....  the "real" one.    I feel like a butterfly....  exploring the world again with different eyes.  Out of my little cocoon.  Facing reality.  Facing fears.  Facing the pain.  I'm feeling it.  ....

I'm grateful and blessed to finally be here....in this little place of freedom and tranquility.  I love the fact that I've grown so much in the past 6 months.  I'm awakening.  I am also so blessed to have been given the tools I need to teach my kids to live like the butterfly.  There's not better way to be.  

It's easy to get stuck in the cocoon.  It takes so much work to emerge from it.... so much work.... every single day..... we are able to re-emerge....and be free.

...on Gifts of Imperfection

I'm realizing, while on this sober journey, that I'm not perfect.   Honestly, don't laugh here, but I thought I was for the longest time.  Was it the alcohol that made me feel like I could conquer the world?  Did it really have that much power over me?  Boy, do I ever need validation from others to make me feel good about myself!  I'm sober.  I don't have booze to give me that confidence, I don't give a shit attitude, or numbing of my feelings stuff anymore....and it's tough!

I'm thinking of taking a course by Brene Brown on her book The Gifts of Imperfection.  It's been calling me.  I downloaded the ebook yesterday and am ready to start working on this new person....this new sober person.  Here is a quote I read from the first chapter....

The unraveling is a time when you are challenged by the universe to let go of who you think you are supposed to be and to embrace who you are.

I had to dig very deep and make the conscious choice to believe- to believe in myself and the possibility of living a different life.

Good stuff eh!  Well, I am ready to dig deep!  I've been ready for a while.  It's time for me to figure this thing out....alcohol free!  I'm not going down that route anymore, that I know for sure!  Here's a link to her class.... I will start up next week.  If anyone wants to join me, it would be so great!!  More fun to do stuff with a friend and chat about it......  send me an email!  Sign Up for e-course here

I also started something fun. and self-loving yesterday!  I downloaded an App last year called "Loving You".  The purpose of the App was to meet someone special and journal our time together....ya know....at the beginning when everything is beautiful and exciting.  Well, I haven't met someone special yet, I haven't really had time to date much, and besides that I'm still debating on getting back together with my ex-hubby or not.   I feel like I've been waiting for the love of my life to come into my life and "fix" me...  make me happy and fulfilled.  I've been waiting for five years!  I've wondered why God hasn't sent me my soulmate yet....

Anyhow, I'm using the App for ME!  I'm taking a selfie of myself for 30 days and I will write something about me that I love!  I will write something that I'm grateful for in my life....  It's time to change these crazy negative thoughts I have about myself and start loving ME!

I really think I've been alone for so long because God wants me to learn to love "me" first.  The person that is right here, in this body.....and has been here all along.  I've been lost but I'm finding my way out.....

A friend sent me this huge message yesterday....

Gosh, when you have alcohol in  your life, it's impossible to deeply know truths about yourself and who you really are.  You really can't heal or see reality for what it is.  I'm healing.  I'm learning to love myself.  One step at a time....even if they're tiny ones.

...on Making Decisions

I'm learning.  Slowly.  I'm sober.  I'm conscious.

I'm struggling with a huge decision in my life.  My ex-husband wants desperately to get back together.  We've been separated/divorced for over 5 years now and he still wants nothing more than getting this family into one unit.  I'm torn about my decision.

I love my children more than anything in the world.  Whenever they go to their fathers, this terrible sense of guilt and shame sweeps over me.  I still have such a huge sense of separation anxiety when my children are not with me.... after all these years.  They still struggle with going back and forth and their hurt and pain haunts me.  I heard many people say...."they'll be okay, you need a break, they'll bounce back, it's part of life", but the fact is....my kids hurt.  What mother wants to see their children hurt?

My ex and I have tried several times to rekindle our relationship.  I have huge doubts about getting back together because I'm afraid that I'll lose my sense of calmness and spirituality.  Heck, I already feel like I'm falling apart....and we are just talking.  I know he's made changes and I know he's trying really hard to be kinder and calmer but I still see the old Steve that I didn't like in the past....and that scares me.

I've tried to surrender and pray and ask God to guide me in my decision.  I've tried to let go and live in hopes to find answers but nothing is clear.  Nothing.

I sometimes wonder if I even know how to have a relationship anymore.  Now that I'm sober, I'm sure things would be different.  Do I expect too much?  How do I know if he's the man I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with?  Maybe, I'm supposed to help him find this sense of peace and serenity?

God put us together for a reason.  We've created two wonderful, beautiful masterpieces together.   I'm so grateful for that!

...on Struggling

Day 169 and yesterday was probably one of the worst alcohol-fighting-off days I've ever had.  The only thing that kept me sober was that number!

I almost drank yesterday.  I came so close to getting into my car to drive to the little liquor store around the corner from my house.  I spent the day alone.  I did some yard work and found myself in a huge bowl of self-pity and I know that.  I didn't want to reach out to anybody!  I didn't care about my blog, AA, my kids, my successes.  I just wanted a drink!   I'm not sure if it was the nice, hot weather or the fact that I'm having a really, really tough time liking who I am....  the "real" me without alcohol is very insecure and has zero self-esteem or self-worth.

I don't feel good about me.... I'm not sure how to feel good about me.   I know I'm supposed to accept and love myself unconditionally, but holy moly that's tough!  I wanted to drink, just a small bottle of wine, so that I can feel good about myself just for one day!  I was aware of all of this, and very conscious of my feelings, which is probably what saved me.  I also went to an AA meeting last night, which helped a little.

I was honest and will be honest with you.  Part of me wonders if I am really an alcoholic.   Part of me wonders how much longer I will be sober.  I wasn't a "bad" drunk.  I was a "happy" drunk!  I was living in denial yesterday....and my head was surely trying to take charge of my life again.  Alcohol was very powerful, cunning and baffling yesterday.  Today, I want to be powerful, cunning, and baffling!  I hope and pray to God that I can find my serenity again.....

I really need to love and accept myself ...my sober self....and I'm not sure how to do that.

...on Acceptance

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.  When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life -unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake.  Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy.  I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.  

                                                                  -Alcoholics Anonymous 4th edition (p.417)

...on AA

To be honest, walking into the AA rooms was the hardest thing I've ever done. 

I'm a teacher in a small community so my biggest fear came true when I walked into my first meeting, and a parent of a child I'm teaching was sitting right there..... first one to see me walk in.  I crawled into my own skin and thought I was going to die.   I sat there and listened to everyone speak.  I spoke too.  And cried.  To be honest I thought.... Hell with this....  I want what these people have.  They laughed.  They talked.  They prayed.  They had the freedom and serenity I wanted.  I felt it in that room!  

I had only been sober a couple of weeks and a few people came to me to give me their numbers.  I also go a lot of "real" loving hugs and for the first time, I felt like I belonged somewhere. 

One of the old-times said that my "meltdown" when I spoke helped him in his recovery because he remembered all too well how easy it is to get sucked back into the vicious cycle of drinking.  

I decided from that day on that... if my stories and words can help one person heal in some way, then that's exactly where I belong.  I usually go into a meeting, not wanting to speak, but when that little piece of paper comes to me, so much comes pouring out.  Sometimes, I'm not even sure if I'm making sense.  

I'm done living in fear.  Fear is not in control of my life anymore.  I needed the hugs.  I needed people in my life who I can relate to.  I love the blogging world.  It keeps me sober too.  But, nothing beats walking into a room full of loving people in recovery.  Nothing beats that!  I even get hugs from my student's father.

I wouldn't change it for the world.  

Hugs to you.... wish it were a great big "real" one!!  

...on Spirituality

You may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.

                                                                      (Big Book, P. 44, 4th edition)

The main objective of the big book is to help us find a Power greater than ourselves which will solve our problems.   Most of us, hoped for so long that we were not true alcoholics.   We made excuses.  We tried moderation.  We refused to be honest with ourselves, and this lead us to destructive behaviours.... and unhealthy lifestyles.

I've learned that there are many types of alcoholics.  There are those who binge drink, weekend drinkers, everyday drinkers, closet drinkers, moderation ones, social ones, lonely drinkers, angry drinkers, happy drunks, and then there's me.... just a happy-go-lucky drinker that got sick of getting sick.  I was sick of loosing sleep.  I was sick of trying to hide my booze breath.  I was broke.  I was bloated.  I was hungover, one too many times.  I fell.  I banged my head and body around.  I was loud and annoying.  I was oblivious.  I was sick of being sick and tired.

It doesn't matter what kind of drinker you are.  If you don't feel good about what you're doing, then you may have to be honest with yourself and make the necessary changes to live a better lifestyle!  You have to take action!  You're the only one that can make the changes.  You have to discover the truth about who you really are..... and, the only way to do this, is to have a spiritual experience!

How do you have a spiritual experience?  I'm sure everyone's story is different but this is my experience.  I'm sharing in hopes to help another alcoholic find her/his way out.

1.  You pray.  

I prayed this prayer for one week before I quit drinking and I continue to pray it every time I have sudden urges to pick up a drink!

                
2.  You change your thoughts and break away from old habits.

I realized that I am not my thoughts.  I am someone greater than them.  My name is Jen, but that is not who I am.  I am a single mom, but that is not who I am.  I have started having experiences with myself on such a deeper level through stillness and calmness.  I listen more.  I see more.  I have become an observer of my thoughts instead of being involved with them.

Before I got sober, my thoughts were like wild horses running crazily through the forest, from one end of the spectrum to the other.  There was never any calmness.  Life was chaotic.  My thoughts were chaotic.  I had to learn to "tame" the wild horse.  I literally took my thoughts and visualized them going down a trail in the forest, like a tamed horse would.  I learned to keep my thoughts on the straight and narrow path.  What a life changing experience this has been for me!   If  you don't think you have the power to control your thoughts, try this exercise.  I got it from Oprah.  
Close your eyes and think of a red triangle.   Then a yellow banana.  Then a blue jay.  Think of those three objects for 5 seconds each. 

Were you able to think of them?  Then, you controlled your thoughts!  

I learned to sit in stillness and be the observer of my thoughts.  When they'd tell me to do something different than what the real me wanted to experience, I didn't listen.  I broke away from old habits.  I changed friends (easily when you join an AA group).  I drank a lot of water....iced cold water.   When I drank this, I felt it go down my oesophagus and stomach and felt my cell in my body dancing and detoxifying.  I started running, eating healthy, and started feeling alive again, after all these years of not feeling anything .....really.

3.  You read.

I read, and read, and read....as much as I could.  I was told about great books to read, and I listened.  Everything I read, I applied to my life.  I listened to the little whispers and life messages that I could take from the readings.  "The Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer changed my life.   I will add a tab at the top of my blog of all of the great books I've read.  I think it will be helpful to many.

4.  You live every day in Love and Acceptance.

I decided that every morning I would accept and love whatever comes my way that day.  I say "God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.  Amen."  I tell Him that I surrender and understand that whatever comes my way, is there for a reason.  I take it all in, accept it (some things are easier than others) and try to find joy and love out of everything.  I look at people differently now.  I look at people in a whole new way.   Most people are doing the best the can, with what they know.  ...so why not accept that.  I avoid the negative ones, that will affect my mood but I accept that that's who they are.  I love everyone.  I don't assume anymore.  I don't take things personally as much.  I do my best and I am careful with my words.  The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz was another great read...short and sweet!

5.  You make choices.

We are so empowered!  We are given the ability to choose!  We are given the ability to make choices that will heal us.  I read this quote from the Internet and saved it to my phone a few months ago:  

You have a choice.  Between B (birth) and D (death) there is C (choice).  We can't create or destroy energy but we can transform it.  We have a choice either to transform our negative energy into positive energy....to live with peace and happiness or we can allow it to destroy us mentally and physically.  We struggle with negative thoughts and wish they would end not realizing that the choice and power to transform them to positive thoughts lies in our own mind.

I make a choice everyday!  I choose to live my life very differently than I did 6 months ago!  I love waking up and feeling alive and healthy!  I am grateful for all that I have!   I choose to live in love and happiness.  I choose happiness.  I choose to live a healthy lifestyle.  I choose to be the best I can be.  I choose to not drink!  It's a choice.  A daily choice.  One day at a time.

My morning line:  EVERYTHING I NEED SHALL BE PROVIDED TODAY!

6.  You let yourself heal.

This was a big one for me.  I had to realize that being sober isn't just about not drinking anymore.  It's about feeling the feelings that come along on a daily basis.  "Feeling" the feelings.  ...anger, sadness, insecurities, loneliness, joy, content, fear.... I can't numb them anymore so I have to feel.... I have to feel them and let them pass through me.  I had to stop holding on the these feelings because they would get stuck, right at the bottom of my gut and I lived with them on a daily basis.  I drank to numb the feelings.  I drank to numb the pain.  Now, I don't drink so I have to feel the feelings.   It's not easy at times and it definitely takes some getting use to.  I had to heal a lot of the pain I felt from my past experiences and let them go.  It takes a lot of work, on a daily basis.  I sleep more.  I allow myself to cry.   I accept how I feel.  But, I don't drink to avoid them anymore.  I'm healing.  I'm accepting.  I'm letting go.  Today, I'm conscious!  I'm aware of the feelings.  I let them flow through me and I let them all go.  I give them all away to my Higher Power.  On a daily basis.  I let them go.   Why do I want to hang on to all of that?  Nonsense!  Our past does not define who we are today.  They are just experiences that brought us here.  We take the lessons from those past experiences and learn from the ones we want to learn from. 

We can choose to 

-let them go and be at peace     or 

-hold on to them and live in fear.  

We have that choice!   It's time to heal, isn't it?  Find a bowl, put the past in it, lift it up to your higher power, and ask him to release you from these burdens!  Try it!  You have nothing to lose!!

Getting sober is probably one of the hardest things I have done in my life.  It isn't easy and there are still times where I wonder if I'll be able to do it forever!  Our world is surrounded with alcohol and people that drink.  People, places and things......  = alcohol.  We will always have an excuse to drink....or a "good" reason to get sloshed.  Always.  When we believe this, our horse is running wild and our ego head is in control.  Find your inner self.  Let it be in control.

When we stop listening to our thoughts, we can find the power within us to fight off the demons of addiction and find the spiritual experiences we are all searching for.  They are all within us already!   Sit in stillness, tame the horse and you will hear it... you will feel it.... you will see it......you will experience it.....

...on a Big Book Lesson

... We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning.

...unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery. 

Part of my recovery is working with the AA membership and program.  I am tremendously grateful for having found this program and the many new sober friends that I've met recently.  I understand that there are many out there who don't believe in AA and many may have found their own way of recovering from this incredible disease.   I only write these post in hopes to help somebody out there who may be suffering!  We are all on a path to recovery and this is my spiritual journey.

I've decided to read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (4th edition).  I received the book in 2007, when I first realized that I may have a drinking problem and hit rock bottom.   After several attempts at trying to quit on my own terms, nothing seemed to work.  I've always kept the book close by, knowing that one day, I just may have to delve into it.

I picked the two quotes above to write about today because I feel such a strong connection to them.  This is exactly how my healing began.   My recovery program hasn't been just about me....not drinking.   It's about learning to live my life in a whole new way!

Of course, it begins with not picking up that first drink, even in those crazy times when I feel like I need it the most.   That in itself sometimes takes so much work and honestly sucks the life out of me at times.  It's not easy.....   especially when my friends are drinking on a regular basis..... especially, with summer around the corner. ...  especially when I feel overwhelmed with stress from work or kids or bills or weight.....

There will always be an excuse or reason to drink.  Always.  The insane thing about it, is that for years, I've allowed my excuses to keep me drunk.    " I worked hard today and I'm exhausted... I'm getting drunk tonight"....  OMG ... What an insane excuse to drink.   or  "My ex is such an asshole.  He refused to pick up the kids today...  I'm getting drunk cause I'm so pissed off right now"...   Insane.

 The truth is.... there is never a good excuse to drink or get totally sloshed.  I understand that people drink during social events and can have a couple of drinks here and there, but when you think you have a drinking problem, this just doesn't work!  We make our "good" excuses why we should or could pick up that first drink, drink our asses off, feel like shit, and the cycle begins.  Why do we do that to ourselves?  Why on Earth would I want to continue this crazy cycle of feeling like shit, not sleeping, being unhealthy....  when I have the power to stop it?  Insane thinking, that's what it is!

My recovery is about learning who I am, without the alcohol.   This is called freedom.  Freedom!    It's about discovering that my mind is such a powerful thing.   The mind.   The thing that guides us, unknowingly, along our journey in life.  It never stops talking to you!  It will tell you things that you think you want to hear, even if they will harm you.  It will convince you that your excuses to drink are good ones!  The mind is such a powerful tool.  We have to stop giving it the power!  The only way to do that, is to sit still and quiet the mind.

It took me 44 years to quiet my mind!  44 years before I learned that sitting still in a quiet setting was okay!  Try it!  Sit in a quiet room for 10 minutes.  It's friggen amazing!

You see, when I drank, I had not one second of calmness and stillness.  My life was chaotic, loud and non-stop.  I thought it was normal!

It's only when I began to sit in stillness that I realized that my mind was in a constant chatter.    I realize that I had a lot more power than I thought I had.  I learned to be okay in stillness.  I learned that I didn't have to listen to my mind.  I learned that I'm just the observer of my thoughts and sometimes those thoughts are gone off on a wild tangent!  This is the psychic change that is mentioned in the quote above.   Our thoughts have to change in order for recovery to happen!  

Everyone who is looking to recover will take a different journey.  I'm loving my journey today.  I believe that God (my Higher Power) has given me a miracle.  He lifted the burden of the constant craving for alcohol.  (see Prayer in labels)   I'm not sure how this happens!  But, I like it and I'm grateful.

I am still learning.  I'm learning to be okay in the stillness.  I'm learning to accept the things I cannot change.  I'm learning to be at peace and most of all, I'm learning to love myself again (like I did when I was a kid).  One day at a time.