Hi friends.
I am still finding myself spiraling into an alcoholic world. I am unhealthy. I don't sleep well.
I have created a new blog in hopes of finding sobriety again. The longest I quit was 368 days and I want that freedom again. That was 4 years ago!
I am looking for support from any sober blogger friends. My new site is www.myunrulyaddiction.com
Sunday, 22 September 2019
Saturday, 16 February 2019
...on 3 years later
This is me... 3 years after a whole year of sobriety!
I am feeding the wolf...… I don't know how to stop this cycle again.
How do I find peace and serenity again? I'm drunk. I don't want to be....but I do …..
I am feeding the wolf...… I don't know how to stop this cycle again.
How do I find peace and serenity again? I'm drunk. I don't want to be....but I do …..
Friday, 15 January 2016
...on AA Support
Last Friday, I celebrated my one year soberversary through the AA program. Some of you know that AA has been a huge part of my journey to sobriety.
It was a great meeting! The support in that room was phenomenal. Over 100 people attended the meeting, and the best part was....I knew most of them. Many of them have had an impact on my life through their stories.
I've always said that something very spiritual and amazing happens to me when I walk into the room. It's almost like a sense of pure calmness and peacefulness enters my mind, body and soul. The love and support I get from members, ever so reminding me of the reasons why I don't want to drink anymore, is truly amazing ...and a blessing.
I'm not gonna lie. "I've done a year sober and I'm in such a better place now" thought keeps creeping into my head. You know the one? "I can start drinking in moderation and control myself more".... that thought. I still want to drink. The little guy is on my shoulder and he's very fucking loud sometimes.
I received a beautiful message the other day from a blogger friend. She finally made it through the doors of AA. She wrote:
I loved it! I was the only new member getting up in front of 40 people to get my welcoming envelop... and I got a round of applause lucky me! Then 40 people came to congratulate and encourage me during the break... wow this is unreal! Why have I been waiting so long to attend? Because my time hadn't come yet. Finally it has and I'm thrilled to be part of this support group. I'll attend many more meetings, and people talk to me about some intensive weekends as well I wish to attend. But my sponsor like you mentioned that she never feels "cured" and that the desire to drink is never too far away. Stay on your guard she says! Hurrah for me I broke the ice! I see why you like your meetings so much! It's pure LOVE without the EGO
A member came in that has been on relapse for the last few months. He didn't know it was my celebration. I asked if he could read The Promises. He hesitated. ...out of shame and guilt maybe... but he did it. He's been lost, he said. He thought it was better out there...with the booze. I was an inspiration for him to come back and get back on track, he said.
It's a great feeling to inspire people in recovery or help them to find their way to freedom. A few people have been put in my path lately. I sometimes just hope I can stay strong enough to stay here.
Sober Mommy
 |
| Gifts from friends |
 |
| Gifts from friends |
Thursday, 7 January 2016
Lose the Mask
Good morning Bloggers,
For some reason, I can't post any comments on my posts or any other bloggers posts. It's driving me nuts. Does anyone have a solution to this?
As I look back on 2015, I think of how far along I've come.
I remember having my last drunk. I remember having my last few drunks and thinking "I'm done with this shit". I remember thinking of how shitty I felt all of the time. I was sick.... physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
When I reflect on my first post, last January, I see how exhausted I was. All I ever wanted was for this cycle to stop. And, after trying to quit for 7 years, I'm able to say I'm at a good place in sobriety. Don't get me wrong, that little guy is still on my shoulders, trying to fuck it up for me. But, if I would have know how amazing it feels to be this free, I would have worked that much harder the first time I gave it a go.
I remember seeing the following image on Instagram. My first thought was....hmmmm.... Do I Wear a Mask? Do I only show people what they want to see in order to feel better about myself.
I think I was drawn to it because the truth was I was hiding. I only showed people what they wanted to see. I was so oblivious, so lost, and in such a dark place. I drank to become a different person. People thought I had it all together, but on the inside I was scared, lost and just forgotten. I drank to feel good about myself. I drank to love life and laugh and have fun. I drank to forget about all of the fucking problems in the world. I drank to forget who I was. My mask was huge!! At times, I didn't even know who I was!
You see, this is what I discovered. That little woman that drank every single day of her life for the last umpteen years to numb the pain, forget who she was and just live life in the fog wasn't ever true to herself! She covered MY true identity! What a friggen discovery!!
How did I discover that?
I had to get sober. I had to stop drinking and hiding behind the mask. I had to stop drinking to see that alcohol helped me become that other woman. A scared, strong, independent, confident, I don't give a fuck woman who thought she had this thing all figured out. But, in reality, she didn't. Oh! Everyone thought she had it all figured out, didn't they? But, she was a lost soul, living inside a body, a vessel and she was living the motions of life, not really taking anything in....not being present or in the moment. She didn't know how to live or appreciate the small gifts that came along her way.
She was oblivious to what life had to offer.
 |
| Me (Aug 2015) "Find Yourself" |
That was my new beginning. I knew that mask was on tight. I knew I wanted to be a healthier woman. I knew I wanted to be good to myself. I knew I had to discover who I was.
I'm doing it one day at a time. One moment at a time.
Are you ready to lose the mask? Are you ready for truth?
Sober Mommy
Tuesday, 5 January 2016
Message I Read December 27th, 2014...Sober Date
Near the Top
I know you’re tired. I know you feel overwhelmed. You may feel as though this crisis, this problem, this hard time will last forever.
It won’t. You are almost through.
You don’t just think it has been hard; it has been hard. You have been tested, tried, and retested on what you have learned.
Your beliefs and your faith have been tried in fire. You have believed, then doubted, then worked at believing some more. You have had to have faith even when you could not see or imagine what you were asked to believe. Others around you may have tried to convince you not to believe in what you were hoping you could believe.
You have had opposition. You have not gotten to this place with total support and joy. You have had to work hard, in spite of what was happening around you. Sometimes, what motivated you was anger; sometimes fear.
Things went wrong—more problems occurred than you anticipated. There were obstacles, frustrations, and annoyances en route. You did not plan on this being the way it would evolve. Much of this has been a surprise; some of it has not been at all what you desired.
Yet, it has been good. Part of you, the deepest part that knows truth, has sensed this all along, even when your head told you that things were out of whack and crazy, that there was no plan or purpose, that God had forgotten you.
So much has happened, and each incident—the most painful, the most troubling, the most surprising—has a connection. You are beginning to see and sense that.
You never dreamt things would happen this way, did you? But they did. Now you are learning the secret—they were meant to happen this way, and this way is good, better than what you expected.
You didn’t believe it would take this long, either—did you? But it did. You have learned patience.
You never thought you could have it, but now you know you do.
You have been led. Many were the moments when you thought you were forgotten, when you were convinced you had been abandoned. Now you know you have been guided.
Now things are coming into place. You are almost at the end of this phase, this difficult portion of the journey. The lesson is almost complete. You know—the lesson you fought, resisted, and insisted you could not learn. Yes, that one. You have almost mastered it.
You have been changed from the inside out. You have been moved to a different level, a higher level, a better level.
You have been climbing a mountain. It has not been easy, but mountain climbing is never easy. Now, you are near the top. A moment longer, and the victory shall be yours.
Steady your shoulders. Breathe deeply. Move forward in confidence and peace. The time is coming to relish and enjoy all which you have fought for. That time is drawing near, finally.
I know you have thought before that the time was drawing near, only to learn that it wasn’t. But now, the reward is coming. You know that too. You can feel it.
Your struggle has not been in vain. For every struggle on this journey, there is a climax, a resolution.
Peace, joy, abundant blessings, and reward are yours here on earth. Enjoy.
There will be more mountains, but now you know how to climb them. And you have learned the secret of what is at the top.
Today, I will accept where I am and continue pushing forward. If I am in the midst of a learning experience, I will allow myself to continue on with the faith that the day of mastery and reward will come. Help me, God, understand that despite my best efforts to live in peaceful serenity, there are times of mountain climbing. Help me stop creating chaos and crisis, and help me meet the challenges that will move me upward and forward.
Quoted from the book Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.
That was the first thing I read on the day I quit drinking. I was tired. I was climbing an uphill battle trying to get to the top and I couldn't make it there alone. I've grown so much over the year. I am amazed that I've made it. I am amazed at the sense of freedom I have today. I am grateful for the beautiful things in my life. I truly believe that a Higher Power, my God has been there holding me up and guiding me along this crazy journey.
Sober Mommy
Monday, 4 January 2016
...In My Path (Part 2....Sober Celebration Date)
The second thing that has helped me stay sober during the holidays is the fact that my one year AA celebration is going to be held on January 8th.
When we were planning the date for my party, I was quite disappointed that it was to be so far from my "real" sober date of December 27th. The reasons were as follows. I belong to the Friday Night Beginner's Group. December 25th and January 1st were the days our meetings fall on, and unfortunately, the church needs the hall for their own events. This meant that my celebration had to be pushed ahead to January 8th...which is this Friday.
A blessing in disguise?
I think so.
You see, the thing is ....my kids are really really looking forward to my one year celebration. They have attended a couple of AA events and have met many of my new friends, also known as my new family members. They remind me often that my one year party is coming up. Now, if I would have had my party sooner, I may have dranken during the holidays, if that's even a word. My mind was a little fucked up here and there. Being around drinkers and craving something to numb the pain found me weak several times. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to drink. Part of me felt that hitting my one year sober date of Dec 27th, had given me enough strength to think that I wasn't an alcoholic anymore. My friend even tried to convince me that I should be good now, since I made it past a year and she told me that I should be able to control it. I believed her. And, as much as my mind wandered into thinking that I had this whole addiction thing down pat, I still didn't pick up a drink.
Now, imagine, if I'd have taken even a little sip of wine during my struggles over the last couple of weeks! There's no way in hell I could have lived with myself if I'd have slipped, not tell anyone and attended my one year celebration. And, even though I thought about doing it quite often, I didn't.
I stayed sober. One year and one week....almost 2. My kids eyes will shine when they see me get that medallion I worked so hard for. I can't wait to see that!
It was worth fighting for.
When we were planning the date for my party, I was quite disappointed that it was to be so far from my "real" sober date of December 27th. The reasons were as follows. I belong to the Friday Night Beginner's Group. December 25th and January 1st were the days our meetings fall on, and unfortunately, the church needs the hall for their own events. This meant that my celebration had to be pushed ahead to January 8th...which is this Friday.
A blessing in disguise?
I think so.
You see, the thing is ....my kids are really really looking forward to my one year celebration. They have attended a couple of AA events and have met many of my new friends, also known as my new family members. They remind me often that my one year party is coming up. Now, if I would have had my party sooner, I may have dranken during the holidays, if that's even a word. My mind was a little fucked up here and there. Being around drinkers and craving something to numb the pain found me weak several times. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to drink. Part of me felt that hitting my one year sober date of Dec 27th, had given me enough strength to think that I wasn't an alcoholic anymore. My friend even tried to convince me that I should be good now, since I made it past a year and she told me that I should be able to control it. I believed her. And, as much as my mind wandered into thinking that I had this whole addiction thing down pat, I still didn't pick up a drink.
Now, imagine, if I'd have taken even a little sip of wine during my struggles over the last couple of weeks! There's no way in hell I could have lived with myself if I'd have slipped, not tell anyone and attended my one year celebration. And, even though I thought about doing it quite often, I didn't.
I stayed sober. One year and one week....almost 2. My kids eyes will shine when they see me get that medallion I worked so hard for. I can't wait to see that!
It was worth fighting for.
Sunday, 3 January 2016
....In My Path (Part 1...Closed Liquor Stores? Really?)
I didn't drink.
I wanted to drink several times during the holidays. And, every single time that alcohol was on my mind, God put someone or something in my path to detour me from my cravings....from my need....from my wanting to fit in....from my needing to numb the pain.
I have learned so much about myself over the last two weeks. I have grown more than I have ever grown.
December 27th was my 1 year soberversary! Yay me! It was on this day a year ago that I decided that I didn't want to feel like shit any longer. It was on this day that I read a meditation from the book "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. I will post this meditation later. I quietly celebrated with my best friend. We went for dinner and had desert and I celebrated. It was quiet. It was nice.
It may be hard for you to believe this, but the night before, I drove to two liquor stores. What were the odds that they were both closed? It was 4 o'clock for God sakes. This was my path....
What lead me there? What lead me to sit in my car in front of a liquor store, wondering what the hell life was all about...wondering if I was willing to give up a whole year of hard work for one night of pure oblivion? What lead me to a desperate state of wanting to numb my body and mind with a great big fuckin box of red wine?
Pain!
Pain from my past that I thought I fucking dealt with. I thought I had all the valves shut, but little did I know, I didn't.
A good friend and I have been spending a lot of time together. She asked me a couple of tough questions about my past that were hard for me to answer, and all hell broke lose in mind and body and soul.
I suddenly found myself at 14 years old, laying in bed with a guy that my uncle brought to camp. I was that young, innocent girl again feeling the pain and shame from the moment that he touched me....wondering where my uncle was? Was he watching me? Was he allowing this to happen? Wasn't he supposed to protect me? I felt my body shut down like it has never shut down before and I remembered.
I remembered why I started drinking at such a young age. I remember just wanting to numb all that part of me. I don't really know if I was raped because I put up a wall in my head. A wall that won't let me remember. At 44 years old, my mind and body went back to being that little girl, in one instant...just like that! I could literally feel my skin crawl!
And, all I could do was drive.... drive to find some way of numbing the pain again. I didn't want to feel. I didn't want my body to feel the way it felt....the anxiety, the shame, the guilt. But, it was there. And, I was mad. I was mad because I honestly thought that all of those valves of the past had been shut!
Fuck
After I sat in my car, in front of the liquor store, wondering why the fuck two of them were closed in my small town, telling myself to drive to the city to get me a box of wine, and feeling the pain, I drove home. I entered my garage, shut the car down and closed my eyes. I fell asleep in an instant.
I woke up 20 minutes later and went to sleep in my bed. I was exhausted. I made plans to attend the morning meeting and the evening meeting the next day and I then I went to bed.
I can sit here today and tell you that the whole experience that went on that day, on December 26th, the day before my one year sober date, happened to me for a very important reason. I didn't know that at the time, but I sure as hell know it today. I know why the two liquor stores were closed too. They were meant to be closed.....
....for me.
The next few days brought me the greatest spiritual awakening I've ever had. I can't wait to tell you about all of the things that came into my path!
Hugs.
SoberMommy
I wanted to drink several times during the holidays. And, every single time that alcohol was on my mind, God put someone or something in my path to detour me from my cravings....from my need....from my wanting to fit in....from my needing to numb the pain.
I have learned so much about myself over the last two weeks. I have grown more than I have ever grown.
December 27th was my 1 year soberversary! Yay me! It was on this day a year ago that I decided that I didn't want to feel like shit any longer. It was on this day that I read a meditation from the book "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. I will post this meditation later. I quietly celebrated with my best friend. We went for dinner and had desert and I celebrated. It was quiet. It was nice.
It may be hard for you to believe this, but the night before, I drove to two liquor stores. What were the odds that they were both closed? It was 4 o'clock for God sakes. This was my path....
What lead me there? What lead me to sit in my car in front of a liquor store, wondering what the hell life was all about...wondering if I was willing to give up a whole year of hard work for one night of pure oblivion? What lead me to a desperate state of wanting to numb my body and mind with a great big fuckin box of red wine?
Pain!
Pain from my past that I thought I fucking dealt with. I thought I had all the valves shut, but little did I know, I didn't.
A good friend and I have been spending a lot of time together. She asked me a couple of tough questions about my past that were hard for me to answer, and all hell broke lose in mind and body and soul.
I suddenly found myself at 14 years old, laying in bed with a guy that my uncle brought to camp. I was that young, innocent girl again feeling the pain and shame from the moment that he touched me....wondering where my uncle was? Was he watching me? Was he allowing this to happen? Wasn't he supposed to protect me? I felt my body shut down like it has never shut down before and I remembered.
I remembered why I started drinking at such a young age. I remember just wanting to numb all that part of me. I don't really know if I was raped because I put up a wall in my head. A wall that won't let me remember. At 44 years old, my mind and body went back to being that little girl, in one instant...just like that! I could literally feel my skin crawl!
And, all I could do was drive.... drive to find some way of numbing the pain again. I didn't want to feel. I didn't want my body to feel the way it felt....the anxiety, the shame, the guilt. But, it was there. And, I was mad. I was mad because I honestly thought that all of those valves of the past had been shut!
Fuck
After I sat in my car, in front of the liquor store, wondering why the fuck two of them were closed in my small town, telling myself to drive to the city to get me a box of wine, and feeling the pain, I drove home. I entered my garage, shut the car down and closed my eyes. I fell asleep in an instant.
I woke up 20 minutes later and went to sleep in my bed. I was exhausted. I made plans to attend the morning meeting and the evening meeting the next day and I then I went to bed.
I can sit here today and tell you that the whole experience that went on that day, on December 26th, the day before my one year sober date, happened to me for a very important reason. I didn't know that at the time, but I sure as hell know it today. I know why the two liquor stores were closed too. They were meant to be closed.....
....for me.
The next few days brought me the greatest spiritual awakening I've ever had. I can't wait to tell you about all of the things that came into my path!
Hugs.
SoberMommy
Thursday, 24 December 2015
My Sober Christmas!
I survived Christmas at mom and dad's. God (myHP) was there with me, I just know it.
Did I want to drink and join in on the fun and laughs and pure oblivion? Fuck yeah. I did! Resistance to the temptation of wanting to drink was hard as shit!
I had to step out of myself for a few minutes here and there to remind myself that having a drink or more, definitely more, wouldn't have brought me that happiness I so crave and want from alcohol for long. I would have hated myself I think. I've come such a long way and I like being sober. I really like it.
I like who I've become. I like the me that I am. I am fun and loving. I can run around and chase kids without drinking. I can sing and dance and make people laugh. I can also be quiet. I can read. I can rest. I can enjoy the moment. I can just be me. I do the best I can with what I have and what I know.
During the night, as the wine and beer were being poured, I watched. I had little mini urges to drink but nothing worth writing about. OK. Some of them were huge! It sucked to have a craving for something and not pick it up. Also, a big part of me sat there for a few minutes and thought, <<holy crap, I just don't fit in anymore>>. I was also so worried that they'd of thought I was a boring sober old lady.... but I wasn't. I did all the things I did when I was drinking. At one point, my Kelly came in for a very close hug, and I knew that she was checking for an alcohol smell on my breath. And I got some good sleep. Fucking great sleep actually. I also got to wake up early, enjoy my coffee and watch the birds out my parents backyard, facing the lake. Really watch the birds. I got to see my kids laugh and hug me and say "I'm really proud of you mom". "I love you so much".
It's Christmas Eve. We had a quiet night, just me and 2 of my children. My older son is 2500 miles away, in a different province. I miss him dearly. We had a turkey dinner tonight, played games and snuggled to a great movie. It was quiet. It was perfect. I get to sleep like a baby and wake up feeling like a champ! This is my first sober Christmas Eve and tomorrow will be the first time in years that I could wake up without feeling shitty on Christmas morning. I look forward to coffee, children's smiles, and a lot of love, health and happiness.
Merry Christmas.
Sober Mommy
Did I want to drink and join in on the fun and laughs and pure oblivion? Fuck yeah. I did! Resistance to the temptation of wanting to drink was hard as shit!
I had to step out of myself for a few minutes here and there to remind myself that having a drink or more, definitely more, wouldn't have brought me that happiness I so crave and want from alcohol for long. I would have hated myself I think. I've come such a long way and I like being sober. I really like it.
I like who I've become. I like the me that I am. I am fun and loving. I can run around and chase kids without drinking. I can sing and dance and make people laugh. I can also be quiet. I can read. I can rest. I can enjoy the moment. I can just be me. I do the best I can with what I have and what I know.
During the night, as the wine and beer were being poured, I watched. I had little mini urges to drink but nothing worth writing about. OK. Some of them were huge! It sucked to have a craving for something and not pick it up. Also, a big part of me sat there for a few minutes and thought, <<holy crap, I just don't fit in anymore>>. I was also so worried that they'd of thought I was a boring sober old lady.... but I wasn't. I did all the things I did when I was drinking. At one point, my Kelly came in for a very close hug, and I knew that she was checking for an alcohol smell on my breath. And I got some good sleep. Fucking great sleep actually. I also got to wake up early, enjoy my coffee and watch the birds out my parents backyard, facing the lake. Really watch the birds. I got to see my kids laugh and hug me and say "I'm really proud of you mom". "I love you so much".
It's Christmas Eve. We had a quiet night, just me and 2 of my children. My older son is 2500 miles away, in a different province. I miss him dearly. We had a turkey dinner tonight, played games and snuggled to a great movie. It was quiet. It was perfect. I get to sleep like a baby and wake up feeling like a champ! This is my first sober Christmas Eve and tomorrow will be the first time in years that I could wake up without feeling shitty on Christmas morning. I look forward to coffee, children's smiles, and a lot of love, health and happiness.
Merry Christmas.
Sober Mommy
Saturday, 19 December 2015
....Alcohol Will Surround Me
I'm headed out to mom and dad's tonight. I expressed my concerns about the situation I'll be in over the next few days at my meeting last night.
I will be surrounded by alcohol.
And, in my moment of weakness, as I chaired the meeting that I wasn't planning on attending, a member reminded me of this very important fact.
I am a fighter!
These were his words:
"Jen. In the short time I've known you and seen you in this program, there's one thing I notice about you. You're a fighter. You put on those boxing gloves and you fight. Fight off that little voice in your head or punch off the little guy on your shoulders. Just don't stop fighting. I'd admire you for being a fighter. It makes me wanna fight too"
A message from up above? I think so. Nothing happens by mistake.
So, I will fight this week. I will remember why I gave up alcohol in the first place. It is shit and it will make my life shitty. I know that. I just have to remember that, in my times of weakness.
It's been my mom's dream to have all the family together at Christmas in her beautiful home on the lake. I want to make her dreams come true. I may not stay long. Hell, I may even come back home to my safe place tomorrow (4 hour drive), but I will not drink. I want mom to be happy. I love mom. She needs her family. I will be a strong, loving, sober, fun, happy, daughter. And when dad becomes a drunken ass, I will go to bed and read and pray.
I will be surrounded by alcohol.
And, in my moment of weakness, as I chaired the meeting that I wasn't planning on attending, a member reminded me of this very important fact.
I am a fighter!
These were his words:
"Jen. In the short time I've known you and seen you in this program, there's one thing I notice about you. You're a fighter. You put on those boxing gloves and you fight. Fight off that little voice in your head or punch off the little guy on your shoulders. Just don't stop fighting. I'd admire you for being a fighter. It makes me wanna fight too"
A message from up above? I think so. Nothing happens by mistake.
So, I will fight this week. I will remember why I gave up alcohol in the first place. It is shit and it will make my life shitty. I know that. I just have to remember that, in my times of weakness.
It's been my mom's dream to have all the family together at Christmas in her beautiful home on the lake. I want to make her dreams come true. I may not stay long. Hell, I may even come back home to my safe place tomorrow (4 hour drive), but I will not drink. I want mom to be happy. I love mom. She needs her family. I will be a strong, loving, sober, fun, happy, daughter. And when dad becomes a drunken ass, I will go to bed and read and pray.
Sunday, 13 December 2015
Who Am I?
Many of you know that I've been struggling with self-esteem issues lately. I have zero confidence. When I look in the mirror, I see a woman who is aging.... a woman who has lost her identity. I don't like her. I don't even know her.
When I was drinking I really didn't have these issues. Well...maybe I was just in denial. I'm not really sure what shifted for me. What changed so drastically in my life that I now feel like I'm walking around on eggshells all the time? I am living in constant fear of what other people think of me. I worry about what they will think of the decisions I make in my life, with what I look like, with my behaviours. I am constantly worried about what I say or do, and sugarcoat everything in hopes to not "upset" someone or create an uncomfortable feeling in them, or in me.
It's wrong. I can't be honest. I can't be me. Something huge is preventing me from being the me that I am supposed to be. Who am I anyway?
I've been really working hard at it, but I'm struggling really badly. I've built this huge wall of bricks around me. My struggles are causing me to isolate and stay alone. I am quiet. I push people away because it's just easier for me to not have to worry about how they feel about me. And, this internal struggle makes me think that if I go back to drinking, I can just be happy again. ....and stop all this worry. I can talk the talk and walk the walk and I can go back to being confident, independent and strong.
I am weak.
I am vulnerable.
I am aware of this.
I'm reading a book called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Browne. I signed up for the e-course months ago, but I haven't had the chance to complete the lessons. The book is great. I need to focus on the readings and read more. I need a time-out.
The sub-title of the book is "Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are"
I've got a lot of work to do. I want to embrace who I am, but I honestly don't know who I am yet.
How do I find my identity again? How do I find my confidence? How do I stop giving a shit about everyone else in this world so that I can be me?
I'm hoping to get answers soon.... real soon.
On another note, I managed to get my tree up this morning, with coffee in hand. Kids are happy. Mommy is happy.
When I was drinking I really didn't have these issues. Well...maybe I was just in denial. I'm not really sure what shifted for me. What changed so drastically in my life that I now feel like I'm walking around on eggshells all the time? I am living in constant fear of what other people think of me. I worry about what they will think of the decisions I make in my life, with what I look like, with my behaviours. I am constantly worried about what I say or do, and sugarcoat everything in hopes to not "upset" someone or create an uncomfortable feeling in them, or in me.
It's wrong. I can't be honest. I can't be me. Something huge is preventing me from being the me that I am supposed to be. Who am I anyway?
I've been really working hard at it, but I'm struggling really badly. I've built this huge wall of bricks around me. My struggles are causing me to isolate and stay alone. I am quiet. I push people away because it's just easier for me to not have to worry about how they feel about me. And, this internal struggle makes me think that if I go back to drinking, I can just be happy again. ....and stop all this worry. I can talk the talk and walk the walk and I can go back to being confident, independent and strong.
I am weak.
I am vulnerable.
I am aware of this.
I'm reading a book called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Browne. I signed up for the e-course months ago, but I haven't had the chance to complete the lessons. The book is great. I need to focus on the readings and read more. I need a time-out.
The sub-title of the book is "Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are"
I've got a lot of work to do. I want to embrace who I am, but I honestly don't know who I am yet.
How do I find my identity again? How do I find my confidence? How do I stop giving a shit about everyone else in this world so that I can be me?
I'm hoping to get answers soon.... real soon.
On another note, I managed to get my tree up this morning, with coffee in hand. Kids are happy. Mommy is happy.
Saturday, 12 December 2015
...on Struggles
I want to drink. I don't want to drink. I want to drink. I don't want to drink. I want to drink. I don't want to drink.
That's how my mind has been working lately. It thinks it's missing out on some fun. It really believes that it's been missing out on some fun.
My staff party was last night. I didn't go. I wanted to go, but there's a big part of me that's still afraid to show my sober side. My co-workers hounded me all week to go, because they love the fact that I was the life of the party at every event!
I wasn't a bad drunk. I wasn't mean. I was so much fun! I had confidence. I was alive. I didn't give a shit about what other people thought of me. I miss that! A lot!
I'm stuck in these "feelings" now. I'm sober so I have no way of hiding. I'm trying to find my confidence, again. It's gone. I'm trying to be fun and I'm trying to be alive ....and it's so damn hard! I want to crawl and hide in a big hole.
The only reason I quit drinking in the first place was because I didn't like hangovers or losing sleep. I also quit for my kids. They annoyed me every time I drank. But damn it, I am missing my fun-loving, easy-going, party girl, that was full of life and joy.
My sister went out dancing last night. I didn't go. I wanted to go.
I didn't even put my Christmas Tree up yet! I never did that without drinking!
Argh!
That's how my mind has been working lately. It thinks it's missing out on some fun. It really believes that it's been missing out on some fun.
My staff party was last night. I didn't go. I wanted to go, but there's a big part of me that's still afraid to show my sober side. My co-workers hounded me all week to go, because they love the fact that I was the life of the party at every event!
I wasn't a bad drunk. I wasn't mean. I was so much fun! I had confidence. I was alive. I didn't give a shit about what other people thought of me. I miss that! A lot!
I'm stuck in these "feelings" now. I'm sober so I have no way of hiding. I'm trying to find my confidence, again. It's gone. I'm trying to be fun and I'm trying to be alive ....and it's so damn hard! I want to crawl and hide in a big hole.
The only reason I quit drinking in the first place was because I didn't like hangovers or losing sleep. I also quit for my kids. They annoyed me every time I drank. But damn it, I am missing my fun-loving, easy-going, party girl, that was full of life and joy.
My sister went out dancing last night. I didn't go. I wanted to go.
I didn't even put my Christmas Tree up yet! I never did that without drinking!
Argh!
Wednesday, 9 December 2015
...on Holiday Thoughts
Things have been quite busy for me. I'm sure most people are feeling it. Getting ready for Christmas and all....
I'm preparing for Christmas in more ways, than most people are. I have to get my mind, body and spirit ready for all of the festivities that will surround me, especially the ones including alcohol. I plan on going to mom's cottage out in the middle of nowhere. I plan on seeing some friends, that will possibly drink in front of me. I plan on staying sober.
I've been going to a lot of meetings lately. More than I normally attend. I've been surrounding myself with people from the program so that they can help me remember why I got sober in the first place. I need as many tips and tricks to survive this holiday season because there's still a small part of my brain that wants to drink.
A woman at the meeting said what I've been feeling.
"I just want to be a normal drinker. I wish I could go back to the past and be a social drinker and fit in like everybody else."
This line has been stuck in my head for a couple of months. There's a big part of me that thinks I can do this. Be normal! Drink socially. Have one or two and stop. Now, that I've had a taste of sobriety for a good length of time, I'm trying to convince myself that I can be a social, "normal" drinker.
I have developed a greater sense of awareness though. I am very aware that alcohol is baffling, cunning and ever so powerful. I am very aware of the demon inside of me that wants to wake up and destroy my life, my family and my health. Awareness and mindfulness are two the most important things I've developed during my sober journey over the past year. I'm so grateful to have found these gifts.
So, I keep going to meetings. I need to remember why I quit drinking in the first place. I need to remember the times that my body gave out on me because I drank too much. The times I passed out on bathroom floors. The times I puked in front of my children. The times I couldn't get out of bed due to being so hungover. I need to remember the hangovers, the sickness, the bags under my eyes, the lack of sleep, the unhealthy, unspiritual state of mind I was in, the stress in the house.
I need to be ready to face the demon that's going to want to come back into my life. I've worked so hard at keeping it out. I don't want it back!
I'm preparing myself for the holidays. It's really just another day. I look forward to my first hangover-free Christmas morning with my wonderful children. I look forward to being present and being the love that I am.
I'm preparing for Christmas in more ways, than most people are. I have to get my mind, body and spirit ready for all of the festivities that will surround me, especially the ones including alcohol. I plan on going to mom's cottage out in the middle of nowhere. I plan on seeing some friends, that will possibly drink in front of me. I plan on staying sober.
I've been going to a lot of meetings lately. More than I normally attend. I've been surrounding myself with people from the program so that they can help me remember why I got sober in the first place. I need as many tips and tricks to survive this holiday season because there's still a small part of my brain that wants to drink.
A woman at the meeting said what I've been feeling.
"I just want to be a normal drinker. I wish I could go back to the past and be a social drinker and fit in like everybody else."
This line has been stuck in my head for a couple of months. There's a big part of me that thinks I can do this. Be normal! Drink socially. Have one or two and stop. Now, that I've had a taste of sobriety for a good length of time, I'm trying to convince myself that I can be a social, "normal" drinker.
I have developed a greater sense of awareness though. I am very aware that alcohol is baffling, cunning and ever so powerful. I am very aware of the demon inside of me that wants to wake up and destroy my life, my family and my health. Awareness and mindfulness are two the most important things I've developed during my sober journey over the past year. I'm so grateful to have found these gifts.
So, I keep going to meetings. I need to remember why I quit drinking in the first place. I need to remember the times that my body gave out on me because I drank too much. The times I passed out on bathroom floors. The times I puked in front of my children. The times I couldn't get out of bed due to being so hungover. I need to remember the hangovers, the sickness, the bags under my eyes, the lack of sleep, the unhealthy, unspiritual state of mind I was in, the stress in the house.
I need to be ready to face the demon that's going to want to come back into my life. I've worked so hard at keeping it out. I don't want it back!
I'm preparing myself for the holidays. It's really just another day. I look forward to my first hangover-free Christmas morning with my wonderful children. I look forward to being present and being the love that I am.
Sunday, 29 November 2015
...Mrs. L
Last night, at the meeting, a newbie came through the doors. I'll call her Mrs. L. She looked so lost, so confused, so scared. Walking through the doors of AA is probably one of the hardest things a person can do.
I remember all of my "first" days I walked into the doors of AA......the first time in 2007. Then in 2012. Then in 2014, my latest attempt at getting sober. It doesn't matter how many times I have trodded through those rooms for the "first" time, it was the always one of the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Pride sets in. We become ashamed of the fact that we are weak and lost and unhealthy and confused. We are embarrassed for being a drunken mess. We are worried someone will hear our story. After all, society tells us that we are supposed to have our shit together every second of every day! Society! What the hell do they know?
We ask ourselves big questions. We try to seek answers. Am I really an alcoholic? Am I even half as bad as these peoples? Is this where I belong? What will they think of me? Can I really stop drinking for the rest of my life? I can read these questions all over Mrs. L's face. I remember them ...oh so clearly... on mine as well.
Watching Mrs. L. share a part of her life with the group helped me remember why I don't want to go back there. I love being free from the demon that carried my soul for so many years. My soul is free! I can wake up in the morning and live my life..... like I mean really live it! See things. Hear things. Laugh. Cry. Feel. Sleep. Smile. All of it! I'm friggen free and I am so very grateful for this gift! New friends! New family! New life!
At the end of the meeting I hugged Mrs. L. I gave her my number and the list of meetings I attend. She asked me to be her sponsor. I told her I wasn't ready for that yet. I'm still learning to love myself and I'm still learning to live on life's terms. But, I did tell her that I'd be her friend and that she could call me anytime. I hope she calls. I hope she sees how amazing life can be through the sparkle in my eyes.
I wish I could stop Mrs. L. from picking up a drink tonight or tomorrow night or the next night. I wish I could tell her that her life will be so amazing if she'd just come to meetings, read the big book, pray, breathe and live without the booze. I wish I could hold her and tell her that life is so amazing when we are set free from the demon.
I will pray for Mrs L. I pray that God will help her find her way and give her the strength she needs to live without the burden of alcohol on her mind.
Dear God,
With this prayer, I call to mind my friend.
I ask for Your blessing on her.
May angels fill her nights and bless her days.
May she find joy and peace and harmony.
May I be a source of happiness in her life.
May she always know that in me, she has support.
Thank you, God.
Amen.
Sober Mommy
I remember all of my "first" days I walked into the doors of AA......the first time in 2007. Then in 2012. Then in 2014, my latest attempt at getting sober. It doesn't matter how many times I have trodded through those rooms for the "first" time, it was the always one of the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Pride sets in. We become ashamed of the fact that we are weak and lost and unhealthy and confused. We are embarrassed for being a drunken mess. We are worried someone will hear our story. After all, society tells us that we are supposed to have our shit together every second of every day! Society! What the hell do they know?
We ask ourselves big questions. We try to seek answers. Am I really an alcoholic? Am I even half as bad as these peoples? Is this where I belong? What will they think of me? Can I really stop drinking for the rest of my life? I can read these questions all over Mrs. L's face. I remember them ...oh so clearly... on mine as well.
Watching Mrs. L. share a part of her life with the group helped me remember why I don't want to go back there. I love being free from the demon that carried my soul for so many years. My soul is free! I can wake up in the morning and live my life..... like I mean really live it! See things. Hear things. Laugh. Cry. Feel. Sleep. Smile. All of it! I'm friggen free and I am so very grateful for this gift! New friends! New family! New life!
At the end of the meeting I hugged Mrs. L. I gave her my number and the list of meetings I attend. She asked me to be her sponsor. I told her I wasn't ready for that yet. I'm still learning to love myself and I'm still learning to live on life's terms. But, I did tell her that I'd be her friend and that she could call me anytime. I hope she calls. I hope she sees how amazing life can be through the sparkle in my eyes.
I wish I could stop Mrs. L. from picking up a drink tonight or tomorrow night or the next night. I wish I could tell her that her life will be so amazing if she'd just come to meetings, read the big book, pray, breathe and live without the booze. I wish I could hold her and tell her that life is so amazing when we are set free from the demon.
I will pray for Mrs L. I pray that God will help her find her way and give her the strength she needs to live without the burden of alcohol on her mind.
Dear God,
With this prayer, I call to mind my friend.
I ask for Your blessing on her.
May angels fill her nights and bless her days.
May she find joy and peace and harmony.
May I be a source of happiness in her life.
May she always know that in me, she has support.
Thank you, God.
Amen.
Sober Mommy
Friday, 27 November 2015
Today is November 27th. My sober date is December 27th. In exactly 1 month, I'd have been sober for a whole year! Not an ounce of alcohol touched these lips or entered this body!
It's hard to believe that I've come this far on this journey. It has been quite the ride!
Preparations are underway for my one year "Soberversary". Cake will be ordered. My friends will attend. My one-year chip will be ordered. It will be a great day for a party!! My new family in AA has given me the love and support that I needed to get to that day!
I must stay focussed. I've met a couple of people in the program that were so very close to their one year celebration and picked up a drink. That just can't happen to me. I'm aware. I know how baffling, cunning and powerful alcohol is. It is so powerful!
I've made myself to be more powerful than the drink! I've done that, otherwise I wouldn't be here today. Sober. Free. Alive.
One day at a time.
It's hard to believe that I've come this far on this journey. It has been quite the ride!
Preparations are underway for my one year "Soberversary". Cake will be ordered. My friends will attend. My one-year chip will be ordered. It will be a great day for a party!! My new family in AA has given me the love and support that I needed to get to that day!
I must stay focussed. I've met a couple of people in the program that were so very close to their one year celebration and picked up a drink. That just can't happen to me. I'm aware. I know how baffling, cunning and powerful alcohol is. It is so powerful!
I've made myself to be more powerful than the drink! I've done that, otherwise I wouldn't be here today. Sober. Free. Alive.
One day at a time.
Wednesday, 25 November 2015
...on the Big Question
The other day, someone asked me the big question.
"How did you manage to stay sober for almost a whole year?"
This was my answer.
I decided, one day, that I didn't want to feel like shit anymore! It was as simple as that!
I remembered getting up on a daily basis with nasty hangovers and I remembered the constant feeling of pure exhaustion. No sleep. Queasy belly. Bags under my eyes. Unhealthy. Booze sucked the life out of me....literally.
I wanted it everyday to relax and be happy, but it the end, it exhausted me and aged me....and made me miserable! I was dying....externally and internally.
I woke up one day and made the decision to not drink anymore. I told myself that only "I" had the power to make that decision. I told myself every single day.... <<Today I am not going to drink>> and I learned to avoid and do everything in my power to NOT pick up. I stuck by my decision. I prayed and asked for help.... a lot!
On the days that I wanted to drink, I remembered why I stopped in the first place.
I empowered myself! I made a decision and stuck by it! I created a bubble around my body and soul and I decided that even though my friends and family were going to drink, nothing or nobody would come into my bubble to interfere with my decision. Deep down inside, and I wasn't going to break my new bubble, because if I did, then I'd be right back to where I started. My bubble was a safe place. It kept me sober. It kept me healthier than I have felt in years.
Some days were better than others.
But, every day was worth fighting for....
"How did you manage to stay sober for almost a whole year?"
This was my answer.
I decided, one day, that I didn't want to feel like shit anymore! It was as simple as that!
I remembered getting up on a daily basis with nasty hangovers and I remembered the constant feeling of pure exhaustion. No sleep. Queasy belly. Bags under my eyes. Unhealthy. Booze sucked the life out of me....literally.
I wanted it everyday to relax and be happy, but it the end, it exhausted me and aged me....and made me miserable! I was dying....externally and internally.
I woke up one day and made the decision to not drink anymore. I told myself that only "I" had the power to make that decision. I told myself every single day.... <<Today I am not going to drink>> and I learned to avoid and do everything in my power to NOT pick up. I stuck by my decision. I prayed and asked for help.... a lot!
On the days that I wanted to drink, I remembered why I stopped in the first place.
I empowered myself! I made a decision and stuck by it! I created a bubble around my body and soul and I decided that even though my friends and family were going to drink, nothing or nobody would come into my bubble to interfere with my decision. Deep down inside, and I wasn't going to break my new bubble, because if I did, then I'd be right back to where I started. My bubble was a safe place. It kept me sober. It kept me healthier than I have felt in years.
Some days were better than others.
But, every day was worth fighting for....
Friday, 20 November 2015
...on Sober Dating
Sorry about the late post. I've been running around trying to find a car because my van is on it's last breath.
Here's my Mr. C update. I haven't seen him again since my last post. I cancelled our dinner date out of fear, anxiety and pure I can't fucking do this!
Meeting the love of your life is not about shaking and trembling and hoping whatever you do, say and look like will 'please' him. It is about confidence, acceptance and love. You might want to see if you can get to that place within yourself where you are confident, accepting and loving of yourself and from there on see how things are?
After reading this message, I came to the realization that I am not confident, accepting and loving toward myself yet!! Like WTF! I thought I had all these feelings of insecurities under control but I don't!
Confidence? Where did it go? Why don't I feel confident? On the outside, people see me as a confident, strong, amazing women, but on the inside, I cringe with fear on a daily basis.
Acceptance? I know I can't drink anymore. I've made a conscious decision to NOT pick up anymore. I love sobriety. I accept that I'm an alcoholic. I accept that booze makes me sick and I want nothing to do with it. If I accepted it so much, I should be able to tell anybody my story, shouldn't I?
Loving? I feel like I'm loving toward myself. I'm trying to live a more balanced life. I'm focusing on my Being and living more mindfully. I love the person I am, on most days.
Why do I constantly feel like I'm hiding under a great big rock afraid to be seen? or heard? I'm afraid to tell my story. I'm afraid of what THEY will think.
The truth is, with Mr C., having a relationship would have been difficult for me. My biggest fear is telling him my story. I was afraid that he'd have told my past "drinking buddy" my story (the girl who set us up), and she would have definitely told my story to the rest of my co-workers and friends. She's a gossiper. I'm just not ready for that shit! That is the biggest reason why I'm not seeing him anymore. Other reasons, just so you know: He just came out of an 8 year relationship (1 month ago), he constantly talks about her, he's still grieving, he love red wine. I can't love red wine.
So, after my huge reality check, I decided to break it off with Mr C. I have to refocus on Me. I know he's dangerous to me. I need to avoid danger.
"Feeling" writes:
Isn't this so true. It's the way it's supposed to be, isn't it? Meet a date, have a drink, make out, fall in love..... drink ....drink.....drink.... The relationship dream. The norm.
I almost started drinking a couple of times because I keep thinking, <<How the hell am I going to relax and just be me on a date?>> My head tells me <<I NEED A GLASS OF WINE FOR THAT!!>>
I haven't been on a date since I quit drinking due to the fact that I can't drink on the first date. Mr C. was my first. I was uncomfortable.
This means I'm not ready, confident, accepting and loving toward myself yet.
I need to get there before I plan another date.
As for Mr C. I hope he does well on his journey and finds someone that loves red wine like he does.
It just can't be me.
Sober Mommy
Wednesday, 18 November 2015
...on Sober Dating.
Sober Dating.
What the heck is that?
A friend of mine from work set me up on a date with one of her really good friends. In other words, my drinking buddy set me up with one of her drinking buddies. Does that even make sense?
We had a breakfast meet up last weekend. It was nice. I was safe. No need for alcohol at breakfast. I made him aware of the fact that I don't drink after he talked about how much he loved red wine and loved wine tasting tours, and loved sipping on wine while in the kitchen cooking, or loved having a glass of wine with his meals. I made him aware. I just said, "You should know that I don't drink." He never asked why. He just said that he respected that. I'll call him C.
I like C. He's a gentleman. He makes me laugh. He's friendly, kind and sincere. We text and chat often and I love getting to know him.
He likes wine.
I can't like wine.
...and in the bottom of my pit.....I want to like wine again.
We went out for dinner last night. Water was brought to the table in a jar (thank God). I told him he could have a glass of wine, out of courtesy, if he wanted and he said he would with dinner. Then came the big question. Why don't you drink?
I DON'T WANT TO ANSWER THAT RIGHT NOW is what I wanted to say.
I don't like that question. I'm not about to tell a new "friend" who is my old friend's friend that I think I'm an alcoholic or that I have drinking problem and I can't drink the shit!
I guess he can tell that the question made me uncomfortable because I hesitated when I started to speak. He brushed me off and said...oh no worries. I was just curious as to why.... maybe you're focussing on your health? .....maybe you just choose to not drink?.... I said yes...yes.. That's it!
I told him that I wanted to take a year from drinking because I wanted to focus on my health. I told him as I age, I find that my body can't handle booze like it use to and I got really bad hangovers when I drank. I told him that my parents were drinkers and I didn't want to be like them.
All true stuff. But then he thought....Oh your year is almost up....then we can have wine together.
This is where I'm stuck my sober blogging buddies....and I need lots of help
Part of me wants to convince myself that I'm okay to start drinking wine with this guy. We both have dreams to travel. I want to have a glass of wine with him when we travel. I want to have a glass of wine while he cooks for me. I want it all!
Is he dangerous to me? I know he is. I know this is a dangerous situation for me. I like him. I like wine. I don't want to be alone again. I've been alone for 5 years!!
I'm shaking in my boots. I'm going to see him tonight.
What the heck is that?
A friend of mine from work set me up on a date with one of her really good friends. In other words, my drinking buddy set me up with one of her drinking buddies. Does that even make sense?
We had a breakfast meet up last weekend. It was nice. I was safe. No need for alcohol at breakfast. I made him aware of the fact that I don't drink after he talked about how much he loved red wine and loved wine tasting tours, and loved sipping on wine while in the kitchen cooking, or loved having a glass of wine with his meals. I made him aware. I just said, "You should know that I don't drink." He never asked why. He just said that he respected that. I'll call him C.
I like C. He's a gentleman. He makes me laugh. He's friendly, kind and sincere. We text and chat often and I love getting to know him.
He likes wine.
I can't like wine.
...and in the bottom of my pit.....I want to like wine again.
We went out for dinner last night. Water was brought to the table in a jar (thank God). I told him he could have a glass of wine, out of courtesy, if he wanted and he said he would with dinner. Then came the big question. Why don't you drink?
I DON'T WANT TO ANSWER THAT RIGHT NOW is what I wanted to say.
I don't like that question. I'm not about to tell a new "friend" who is my old friend's friend that I think I'm an alcoholic or that I have drinking problem and I can't drink the shit!
I guess he can tell that the question made me uncomfortable because I hesitated when I started to speak. He brushed me off and said...oh no worries. I was just curious as to why.... maybe you're focussing on your health? .....maybe you just choose to not drink?.... I said yes...yes.. That's it!
I told him that I wanted to take a year from drinking because I wanted to focus on my health. I told him as I age, I find that my body can't handle booze like it use to and I got really bad hangovers when I drank. I told him that my parents were drinkers and I didn't want to be like them.
All true stuff. But then he thought....Oh your year is almost up....then we can have wine together.
This is where I'm stuck my sober blogging buddies....and I need lots of help
Part of me wants to convince myself that I'm okay to start drinking wine with this guy. We both have dreams to travel. I want to have a glass of wine with him when we travel. I want to have a glass of wine while he cooks for me. I want it all!
Is he dangerous to me? I know he is. I know this is a dangerous situation for me. I like him. I like wine. I don't want to be alone again. I've been alone for 5 years!!
I'm shaking in my boots. I'm going to see him tonight.
Saturday, 14 November 2015
Sobriety is Freedom!
Today I celebrate another hangover-free Saturday.
I love hangover-free days!! I'm on my 323rd!! What a miracle in itself!
Today, I get to look out my window and see the snow covered Earth. Today, I get to sit in stillness and have my morning coffee while writing this post. Today, I get to feel the air enter my body and my cells rejuvenate with happiness and health from drinking water last night. I will see my children do something spectacular, even it's just a smile. I will watch them learn and grow. I'm not going to miss a thing today. I'm free.
If someone told me when I first quit drinking how amazing I'd be feeling at this time in my life, I'd have never believed them. I never thought that I could feel this happy and peaceful without a drink in my hand.
Last year, at this time, I remember feeling sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I wasn't healthy in every aspect of my life....physically, spiritually, emotionally. I felt awful on a daily basis. I woke up feeling shitty from the night before, and went to bed feeling shitty cause I drank too much. It was a vicious cycle and I had no clue how to get out of it.
If you are here, like I was last year, I'm telling you the truth when I say that sobriety is freedom. There is only one way out from the vicious cycle.
Don't pick up a drink today and find help.
1. Blog
Write about your journey on a daily basis. We, sober bloggers, are strong together. We support and help each other out and never judge. We have a great community with lots of love and support.
2. Go to meetings
AA saved my life...really. The people at the meetings are my new family, my new friends. The support and love you get when you walk into the rooms are indescribably!
3. Send me an Email
Anytime of the day. All day. I will do my best to help you. We could set up a sober plan for you and get you started. We could focus on one day at a time.
4. Friends
(unless they're drinkers) You need good support and understanding.
5. Meditation
This will teach you that it's awesome to sit in stillness. We are so use to chaos, us drinkers. We don't have to live that way anymore. I'm taking an online class on Mindfulness and I'm loving every second of it! They are everywhere.
6. The Big Book
If all the people who knew Bill W. could quit drinking with his words of wisdom and the 12 steps, why couldn't you? You can read it from the link on my blog.
7. Space
Set up a quiet spot in your home. This should be a space where you can go to breathe when you are overwhelmed.
9. Family
(unless they're drinkers) They should be supportive, understanding and loving.
10. Pray
Have faith. Believe in the power greater than YOU.
I continue to do most of these things on a daily basis since I quit drinking in December 2014. I'm happy with the results. I'm sober. I'm free. I'm healthier than I have been in years!
It's hard as hell on some days, just to get by, but it's worth every step I've taken to get here....
Sober and FREE!
Join me.
Sober Mommy
I love hangover-free days!! I'm on my 323rd!! What a miracle in itself!
Today, I get to look out my window and see the snow covered Earth. Today, I get to sit in stillness and have my morning coffee while writing this post. Today, I get to feel the air enter my body and my cells rejuvenate with happiness and health from drinking water last night. I will see my children do something spectacular, even it's just a smile. I will watch them learn and grow. I'm not going to miss a thing today. I'm free.
If someone told me when I first quit drinking how amazing I'd be feeling at this time in my life, I'd have never believed them. I never thought that I could feel this happy and peaceful without a drink in my hand.
Last year, at this time, I remember feeling sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I wasn't healthy in every aspect of my life....physically, spiritually, emotionally. I felt awful on a daily basis. I woke up feeling shitty from the night before, and went to bed feeling shitty cause I drank too much. It was a vicious cycle and I had no clue how to get out of it.
If you are here, like I was last year, I'm telling you the truth when I say that sobriety is freedom. There is only one way out from the vicious cycle.
Don't pick up a drink today and find help.
1. Blog
Write about your journey on a daily basis. We, sober bloggers, are strong together. We support and help each other out and never judge. We have a great community with lots of love and support.
2. Go to meetings
AA saved my life...really. The people at the meetings are my new family, my new friends. The support and love you get when you walk into the rooms are indescribably!
3. Send me an Email
Anytime of the day. All day. I will do my best to help you. We could set up a sober plan for you and get you started. We could focus on one day at a time.
4. Friends
(unless they're drinkers) You need good support and understanding.
5. Meditation
This will teach you that it's awesome to sit in stillness. We are so use to chaos, us drinkers. We don't have to live that way anymore. I'm taking an online class on Mindfulness and I'm loving every second of it! They are everywhere.
6. The Big Book
If all the people who knew Bill W. could quit drinking with his words of wisdom and the 12 steps, why couldn't you? You can read it from the link on my blog.
7. Space
Set up a quiet spot in your home. This should be a space where you can go to breathe when you are overwhelmed.
9. Family
(unless they're drinkers) They should be supportive, understanding and loving.
10. Pray
Have faith. Believe in the power greater than YOU.
I continue to do most of these things on a daily basis since I quit drinking in December 2014. I'm happy with the results. I'm sober. I'm free. I'm healthier than I have been in years!
It's hard as hell on some days, just to get by, but it's worth every step I've taken to get here....
Sober and FREE!
Join me.
Sober Mommy
Friday, 13 November 2015
...on The Inner World
"When I quit drinking,
the world on the outside got better,
but the world on the inside got worse."
I heard this sentence at the gratitude dinner I attended in my town last weekend. A gratitude dinner is an annual event that includes a wonderful dinner, guest speaker and a dance.
I had a wonderful evening. It amazed me to watch over 300 people dancing their feet off on the dance floor, socializing, laughing, and sober....something we don't get to see very often.
The guest speaker said many things that I could relate to....but the sentence above really stood out. I even wrote it down on a napkin at my table.
It is so true how my life has changed on the inside. It feels like I'm in constant turmoil with my thoughts and emotions now. My self-esteem has dropped. I lack confidence. I lack energy. I lack some sort of sense of contentment. I feel like I'm living in fear of the world around me. Fear of what people think. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. Fear of damn decisions I have to make. I'm not sure how this happens when I was so confident, independent and happy .....when I had a drink in hand.....
It's not easy to get sober. Not because I'm giving up the booze. It's more because I'm learning to live life without it. It's the life part that's tough. Alcohol just covered up all the shit that was buried deep within.
I know that now.
And now, it's coming out. The shit. And, I'm still trying to figure it out.....without succumbing to my need or want for a drink.
I'm doing it though. Living without alcohol. I never thought in a millions years I'd get this far.
I don't know what tomorrow brings. I can't change the past. I'm trying so hard to live for today....in the present moment....
And, with this present moment, I'm sober.
Breathing.
Saturday, 7 November 2015
,,,I Remember.
It doesn't cease to amaze me. The power alcohol has over my life.
I seem to have all the tools I need to stay sober one moment, and in a blink of an eye, they all disappear.
Something happens to me when someone or something makes me feel uncomfortable. I get this overwhelming fear and sense of anxiety and I feel like the insides of my chest is notting up uncontrollably.
I forget about all the tools that I've found over the last two months. Tools such as the Serenity Prayer, the Big Book, the meetings, the blog, the peace and serenity, the prayers, the gratitude, the new sober friends, my sponsor, the freedom.
I forget about all the great things that have happened to me since I picked up my last drink and I want to go back there.
And, in all the cuffufle of my crazy ass days, lately, I somehow manage to find myself sitting at a meeting, listening to the whispers and remembering why I'm here in the first place. The moment I walk into the room of AA, I feel love, support, kindness and compassion.
And then, I remember.
When the young 24 year old talks about the crazy hangovers he had and spending all his Saturdays in bed because he was too sick to move.... I remember.
When the mom of 3 tells about her story of being the drinking mom that she was....hiding her booze, drinking before driving her kids to their activities... I remember.
When the ole timer talks about drinking on a daily basis and not living his life in the moment or appreciating all the wonderful things in his life.... I remember.
When the young girl, coming out of detox, talks about always wanting more material things in her life and not being grateful for what she has, .....I remember.
When the man talks about saying the Serenity Prayer on a daily basis, because sometimes things are not in our control, and we have to live life on life's terms, instead of trying to control it....I remember.
The point is.... I only feel like I get those Aha moments when I walk into those rooms.
And, somehow, something, someone, or some kind of force helps me get into my car at the end of the day, (when all I want is nothing but a drink), and gets me to the place....
...that reminds me of why I got sober in the first place.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)