My Sober Christmas!

I survived Christmas at mom and dad's.  God (myHP) was there with me, I just know it.

Did I want to drink and join in on the fun and laughs and pure oblivion?  Fuck yeah. I did!  Resistance to the temptation of wanting to drink was hard as shit!

I had to step out of myself for a few minutes here and there to remind myself that having a drink or more, definitely more, wouldn't have brought me that happiness I so crave and want from alcohol for long.  I would have hated myself I think.  I've come such a long way and I like being sober.  I really like it.

I like who I've become.  I like the me that I am.  I am fun and loving.  I can run around and chase kids without drinking.  I can sing and dance and make people laugh.  I can also be quiet.  I can read.  I can rest.  I can enjoy the moment.  I can just be me.  I do the best I can with what I have and what I know.

During the night, as the wine and beer were being poured, I watched.  I had little mini urges to drink but nothing worth writing about.   OK.  Some of them were huge!  It sucked to have a craving for something and not pick it up.  Also, a big part of me sat there for a few minutes and thought, <<holy crap, I just don't fit in anymore>>.  I was also so worried that they'd of thought I was a boring sober old lady.... but I wasn't.   I did all the things I did when I was drinking.   At one point, my Kelly came in for a very close hug, and I knew that she was checking for an alcohol smell on my breath.  And I got some good sleep.  Fucking great sleep actually.   I also got to wake up early, enjoy my coffee and watch the birds out my parents backyard, facing the lake.  Really watch the birds.   I got to see my kids laugh and hug me and say "I'm really proud of you mom". "I love you so much".

It's Christmas Eve.  We had a quiet night, just me and 2 of my children.  My older son is 2500 miles away, in a different province.  I miss him dearly.  We had a turkey dinner tonight, played games and snuggled to a great movie.  It was quiet.  It was perfect.  I get to sleep like a baby and wake up feeling like a champ!  This is my first sober Christmas Eve and tomorrow will be the first time in years that I could wake up without feeling shitty on Christmas morning.  I look forward to coffee, children's smiles, and a lot of love, health and happiness.

Merry Christmas.

Sober Mommy

....Alcohol Will Surround Me

I'm headed out to mom and dad's tonight.  I expressed my concerns about the situation I'll be in over the next few days at my meeting last night.

I will be surrounded by alcohol.

And, in my moment of weakness, as I chaired the meeting that I wasn't planning on attending, a member reminded me of this very important fact.  

I am a fighter!

These were his words:

"Jen.  In the short time I've known you and seen you in this program, there's one thing I notice about you.  You're a fighter. You put on those boxing gloves and you fight.  Fight off that little voice in your head or punch off the little guy on your shoulders.  Just don't stop fighting.  I'd admire you for being a fighter.  It makes me wanna fight too"

A message from up above?   I think so.  Nothing happens by mistake.

So, I will fight this week.  I will remember why I gave up alcohol in the first place.  It is shit and it will make my life shitty.  I know that.  I just have to remember that, in my times of weakness.

It's been my mom's dream to have all the family together at Christmas in her beautiful home on the lake.  I want to make her dreams come true.  I may not stay long.  Hell, I may even come back home to my safe place tomorrow (4 hour drive), but I will not drink.  I want mom to be happy.  I love mom.  She needs her family.  I will be a strong, loving, sober, fun, happy, daughter.  And when dad becomes a drunken ass, I will go to bed and read and pray.

Who Am I?

Many of you know that I've been struggling with self-esteem issues lately.  I have zero confidence.  When I look in the mirror, I see a woman who is aging.... a woman who has lost her identity.  I don't like her.  I don't even know her.

When I was drinking I really didn't have these issues.   Well...maybe I was just in denial.  I'm not really sure what shifted for me.  What changed so drastically in my life that I now feel like I'm walking around on eggshells all the time?  I am living in constant fear of what other people think of me.  I worry about what they will think of the decisions I make in my life, with what I look like, with my behaviours.  I am constantly worried about what I say or do, and sugarcoat everything in hopes to not "upset" someone or create an uncomfortable feeling in them, or in me.

It's wrong.  I can't be honest.  I can't be me.   Something huge is preventing me from being the me that I am supposed to be.  Who am I anyway?

I've been really working hard at it, but I'm struggling really badly.  I've built this huge wall of bricks around me.  My struggles are causing me to isolate and stay alone.  I am quiet.  I push people away because it's just easier for me to not have to worry about how they feel about me.  And, this internal struggle makes me think that if I go back to drinking, I can just be happy again. ....and stop all this worry.  I can talk the talk and walk the walk and I can go back to being confident, independent and strong.  

I am weak.

I am vulnerable.

I am aware of this.

I'm reading a book called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Browne.   I signed up for the e-course months ago, but I haven't had the chance to complete the lessons.  The book is great.  I need to focus on the readings and read more.   I need a time-out.

The sub-title of the book is "Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are"

I've got a lot of work to do.  I want to embrace who I am, but I honestly don't know who I am yet.

How do I find my identity again?  How do I find my confidence?  How do I stop giving a shit about everyone else in this world so that I can be me?

I'm hoping to get answers soon....  real soon.

On another note, I managed to get my tree up this morning, with coffee in hand.  Kids are happy.  Mommy is happy.

...on Struggles

I want to drink.  I don't want to drink.  I want to drink.  I don't want to drink.  I want to drink.  I don't want to drink.

That's how my mind has been working lately.  It thinks it's missing out on some fun.  It really believes that it's been missing out on some fun.

My staff party was last night.  I didn't go.  I wanted to go, but there's a big part of me that's still afraid to show my sober side.   My co-workers hounded me all week to go, because they love the fact that I was the life of the party at every event!

I wasn't a bad drunk.  I wasn't mean.  I was so much fun!  I had confidence.  I was alive.  I didn't give a shit about what other people thought of me.  I miss that!  A lot!

I'm stuck in these "feelings" now.  I'm sober so I have no way of hiding.  I'm trying to find my confidence, again.  It's gone.  I'm trying to be fun and I'm trying to be alive ....and it's so damn hard!  I want to crawl and hide in a big hole.

The only reason I quit drinking in the first place was because I didn't like hangovers or losing sleep.  I also quit for my kids.  They annoyed me every time I drank.  But damn it, I am missing my fun-loving, easy-going, party girl, that was full of life and joy.

My sister went out dancing last night.  I didn't go.  I wanted to go.

I didn't even put my Christmas Tree up yet!  I never did that without drinking!

Argh!

...on Holiday Thoughts

Things have been quite busy for me.  I'm sure most people are feeling it.  Getting ready for Christmas and all....

I'm preparing for Christmas in more ways, than most people are.   I have to get my mind, body and spirit ready for all of the festivities that will surround me, especially the ones including alcohol.  I plan on going to mom's cottage out in the middle of nowhere.  I plan on seeing some friends, that will possibly drink in front of me.  I plan on staying sober.

I've been going to a lot of meetings lately.  More than I normally attend.  I've been surrounding myself with people from the program so that they can help me remember why I got sober in the first place. I need as many tips and tricks to survive this holiday season because there's still a small part of my brain that wants to drink.

A woman at the meeting said what I've been feeling.

"I just want to be a normal drinker.  I wish I could go back to the past and be a social drinker and fit in like everybody else."

This line has been stuck in my head for a couple of months.  There's a big part of me that thinks I can do this.  Be normal!  Drink socially.  Have one or two and stop.  Now, that I've had a taste of sobriety for a good length of time, I'm trying to convince myself that I can be a social, "normal" drinker.

I have developed a greater sense of awareness though.  I am very aware that alcohol is baffling, cunning and ever so powerful.  I am very aware of the demon inside of me that wants to wake up and destroy my life, my family and my health.  Awareness and mindfulness are two the most important things I've developed during my sober journey over the past year.  I'm so grateful to have found these gifts.

So, I keep going to meetings.  I need to remember why I quit drinking in the first place.  I need to remember the times that my body gave out on me because I drank too much.  The times I passed out on bathroom floors.  The times I puked in front of my children.  The times I couldn't get out of bed due to being so hungover.  I need to remember the hangovers, the sickness, the bags under my eyes, the lack of sleep, the unhealthy, unspiritual state of mind I was in, the stress in the house.

I need to be ready to face the demon that's going to want to come back into my life.  I've worked so hard at keeping it out.  I don't want it back!

I'm preparing myself for the holidays.  It's really just another day.  I look forward to my first hangover-free Christmas morning with my wonderful children.  I look forward to being present and being the love that I am.

...Mrs. L

Last night, at the meeting, a newbie came through the doors.  I'll call her Mrs. L.   She looked so lost, so confused, so scared.  Walking through the doors of AA is probably one of the hardest things a person can do.

I remember all of my "first" days I walked into the doors of AA......the first time in 2007.  Then in 2012.  Then in 2014, my latest attempt at getting sober.  It doesn't matter how many times I have trodded through those rooms for the "first" time, it was the always one of the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Pride sets in.  We become ashamed of the fact that we are weak and lost and unhealthy and confused.  We are embarrassed for being a drunken mess.  We are worried someone will hear our story.  After all, society tells us that we are supposed to have our shit together every second of every day!  Society!  What the hell do they know?

We ask ourselves big questions.  We try to seek answers.  Am I really an alcoholic?  Am I even half as bad as these peoples?  Is this where I belong?  What will they think of me?  Can I really stop drinking for the rest of my life?  I can read these questions all over Mrs. L's face.  I remember them ...oh so clearly... on mine as well.

Watching Mrs. L. share a part of her life with the group helped me remember why I don't want to go back there.  I love being free from the demon that carried my soul for so many years.  My soul is free!  I can wake up in the morning and live my life.....  like I mean really live it!  See things.  Hear things.  Laugh.  Cry.  Feel.  Sleep.  Smile.  All of it!  I'm friggen free and I am so very grateful for this gift!  New friends!  New family!  New life!

At the end of the meeting I hugged Mrs. L.   I gave her my number and the list of meetings I attend.  She asked me to be her sponsor.  I told her I wasn't ready for that yet.  I'm still learning to love myself and I'm still learning to live on life's terms.  But, I did tell her that I'd be her friend and that she could call me anytime.  I hope she calls.  I hope she sees how amazing life can be through the sparkle in my eyes.

I wish I could stop Mrs. L. from picking up a drink tonight or tomorrow night or the next night.  I wish I could tell her that her life will be so amazing if she'd just come to meetings, read the big book, pray, breathe and live without the booze.  I wish I could hold her and tell her that life is so amazing when we are set free from the demon.

I will pray for Mrs L.  I pray that God will help her find her way and give her the strength she needs to live without the burden of alcohol on her mind.

Dear God,
With this prayer, I call to mind my friend.
I ask for Your blessing on her.
May angels fill her nights and bless her days.
May she find joy and peace and harmony.
May I be a source of happiness in her life.
May she always know that in me, she has support.
Thank you, God. 
Amen.

Sober Mommy

Today is November 27th.  My sober date is December 27th.  In exactly 1 month, I'd have been sober for a whole year!  Not an ounce of alcohol touched these lips or entered this body!

It's hard to believe that I've come this far on this journey.  It has been quite the ride!

Preparations are underway for my one year "Soberversary".  Cake will be ordered.  My friends will attend.  My one-year chip will be ordered.  It will be a great day for a party!!  My new family in AA has given me the love and support that I needed to get to that day!

I must stay focussed.  I've met a couple of people in the program that were so very close to their one year celebration and picked up a drink.  That just can't happen to me.  I'm aware.  I know how baffling, cunning and powerful alcohol is.  It is so powerful!

I've made myself to be more powerful than the drink!  I've done that, otherwise I wouldn't be here today.  Sober.  Free.  Alive.

One day at a time.

...on the Big Question

The other day, someone asked me the big question.

"How did you manage to stay sober for almost a whole year?"

This was my answer.

I decided, one day, that I didn't want to feel like shit anymore!  It was as simple as that!

I remembered getting up on a daily basis with nasty hangovers and I remembered the constant feeling of pure exhaustion.  No sleep.  Queasy belly.  Bags under my eyes.  Unhealthy.   Booze sucked the life out of me....literally.

I wanted it everyday to relax and be happy, but it the end, it exhausted me and aged me....and made me miserable!  I was dying....externally and internally.

I woke up one day and made the decision to not drink anymore.  I told myself that only "I" had the power to make that decision.   I told myself every single day.... <<Today I am not going to drink>> and I learned to avoid and do everything in my power to NOT pick up.  I stuck by my decision.  I prayed and asked for help.... a lot!

On the days that I wanted to drink, I remembered why I stopped in the first place.

I empowered myself!  I made a decision and stuck by it!  I created a bubble around my body and soul and I decided that even though my friends and family were going to drink, nothing or nobody would come into my bubble to interfere with my decision.  Deep down inside, and I wasn't going to break my new bubble, because if I did, then I'd be right back to where I started.  My bubble was a safe place.  It kept me sober.  It kept me healthier than I have felt in years.

Some days were better than others.

But, every day was worth fighting for....

...on Sober Dating

Sorry about the late post.  I've been running around trying to find a car because my van is on it's last breath.

Here's my Mr. C update.  I haven't seen him again since my last post. I cancelled our dinner date out of fear, anxiety and pure I can't fucking do this!

I received an incredible message from "Feeling" on my last post.  It grounded me again.  She writes:  

Meeting the love of your life is not about shaking and trembling and hoping whatever you do, say and look like will 'please' him. It is about confidence, acceptance and love. You might want to see if you can get to that place within yourself where you are confident, accepting and loving of yourself and from there on see how things are? 

After reading this message, I came to the realization that I am not confident, accepting and loving toward myself yet!!  Like WTF!   I thought I had all these feelings of insecurities under control but I don't!   

Confidence?  Where did it go?  Why don't I feel confident?  On the outside, people see me as a confident, strong, amazing women, but on the inside, I cringe with fear on a daily basis.  

Acceptance?  I know I can't drink anymore.  I've made a conscious decision to NOT pick up anymore.  I love sobriety.  I accept that I'm an alcoholic.  I accept that booze makes me sick and I want nothing to do with it.  If I accepted it so much, I should be able to tell anybody my story, shouldn't I?  

Loving?  I feel like I'm loving toward myself.  I'm trying to live a more balanced life.  I'm focusing on my Being and living more mindfully.  I love the person I am, on most days.  

Why do I constantly feel like I'm hiding under a great big rock afraid to be seen? or heard? I'm afraid to tell my story.   I'm afraid of what THEY will think. 

The truth is, with Mr C., having a relationship would have been difficult for me.  My biggest fear is telling him my story.  I was afraid that he'd have told my past "drinking buddy" my story (the girl who set us up), and she would have definitely told my story to the rest of my co-workers and friends.  She's a gossiper.  I'm just not ready for that shit!  That is the biggest reason why I'm not seeing him anymore.  Other reasons, just so you know:  He just came out of an 8 year relationship (1 month ago), he constantly talks about her, he's still grieving, he love red wine.  I can't love red wine.

So, after my huge reality check, I decided to break it off with Mr C.  I have to refocus on Me.  I know he's dangerous to me.  I need to avoid danger.  

"Feeling" writes:

The relation dream of a lot of people starts with going for drinks on a Friday night and THEY DON'T WANT THAT IDEAL TO BE SPOILED.

Isn't this so true.  It's the way it's supposed to be, isn't it?  Meet a date, have a drink, make out, fall in love..... drink ....drink.....drink....  The relationship dream.  The norm.  

I almost started drinking a couple of times because I keep thinking, <<How the hell am I going to relax and just be me on a date?>>   My head tells me <<I NEED A GLASS OF WINE FOR THAT!!>>

I haven't been on a date since I quit drinking due to the fact that I can't drink on the first date.  Mr C. was my first.  I was uncomfortable.  

This means I'm not ready, confident, accepting and loving toward myself yet. 

I need to get there before I plan another date.

As for Mr C. I hope he does well on his journey and finds someone that loves red wine like he does.  

It just can't be me.

Sober Mommy

...on Sober Dating.

Sober Dating.

What the heck is that?

A friend of mine from work set me up on a date with one of her really good friends.  In other words, my drinking buddy set me up with one of her drinking buddies.   Does that even make sense?

We had a breakfast meet up last weekend.  It was nice.  I was safe.  No need for alcohol at breakfast.  I made him aware of the fact that I don't drink after he talked about how much he loved red wine and loved wine tasting tours, and loved sipping on wine while in the kitchen cooking, or loved having a glass of wine with his meals.   I made him aware.  I just said, "You should know that I don't drink."  He never asked why.  He just said that he respected that.  I'll call him C.

I like C.  He's a gentleman.  He makes me laugh.  He's friendly, kind and sincere.  We text and chat often and I love getting to know him.

He likes wine.

I can't like wine.

...and in the bottom of my pit.....I want to like wine again.

We went out for dinner last night.  Water was brought to the table in a jar (thank God).  I told him he could have a glass of wine, out of courtesy, if he wanted and he said he would with dinner.  Then came the big question.  Why don't you drink?

I DON'T WANT TO ANSWER THAT RIGHT NOW is what I wanted to say.

I don't like that question.  I'm not about to tell a new "friend" who is my old friend's friend that I think I'm an alcoholic or that I have drinking problem and I can't drink the shit!

I guess he can tell that the question made me uncomfortable because I hesitated when I started to speak.  He brushed me off and said...oh no worries.  I was just curious as to why.... maybe you're focussing on your health? .....maybe you just choose to not drink?.... I said yes...yes..  That's it!

I told him that I wanted to take a year from drinking because I wanted to focus on my health.  I told him as I age, I find that my body can't handle booze like it use to and I got really bad hangovers when I drank.  I told him that my parents were drinkers and I didn't want to be like them.

All true stuff.  But then he thought....Oh your year is almost up....then we can have wine together.

This is where I'm stuck my sober blogging buddies....and I need lots of help

Part of me wants to convince myself that I'm okay to start drinking wine with this guy.  We both have dreams to travel.  I want to have a glass of wine with him when we travel.  I want to have a glass of wine while he cooks for me.  I want it all!

Is he dangerous to me?  I know he is.  I know this is a dangerous situation for me.  I like him.  I like wine.  I don't want to be alone again.  I've been alone for 5 years!!

I'm shaking in my boots.  I'm going to see him tonight.

Sobriety is Freedom!

Today I celebrate another hangover-free Saturday.

I love hangover-free days!!  I'm on my 323rd!!  What a miracle in itself!

Today, I get to look out my window and see the snow covered Earth.  Today, I get to sit in stillness and have my morning coffee while writing this post.  Today, I get to feel the air enter my body and my cells rejuvenate with happiness and health from drinking water last night.  I will see my children do something spectacular, even it's just a smile.  I will watch them learn and grow.  I'm not going to miss a thing today.  I'm free.

If someone told me when I first quit drinking how amazing I'd be feeling at this time in my life, I'd have never believed them.  I never thought that I could feel this happy and peaceful without a drink in my hand.

Last year, at this time, I remember feeling sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  I wasn't healthy in every aspect of my life....physically, spiritually, emotionally.  I felt awful on a daily basis.  I woke up feeling shitty from the night before, and went to bed feeling shitty cause I drank too much.  It was a vicious cycle and I had no clue how to get out of it.

If you are here, like I was last year, I'm telling you the truth when I say that sobriety is freedom.  There is only one way out from the vicious cycle.

Don't pick up a drink today and find help.  


1.  Blog

Write about your journey on a daily basis.  We, sober bloggers, are strong together.  We support and help each other out and never judge.  We have a great community with lots of love and support.

2.  Go to meetings  

AA saved my life...really.   The people at the meetings are my new family, my new friends.  The support and love you get when you walk into the rooms are indescribably!

3.  Send me an Email 

Anytime of the day.  All day.  I will do my best to help you.  We could set up a sober plan for you and get you started.  We could focus on one day at a time.

4.  Friends

(unless they're drinkers)  You need good support and understanding.

5.  Meditation  

This will teach you that it's awesome to sit in stillness.  We are so use to chaos, us drinkers.  We don't have to live that way anymore.  I'm taking an online class on Mindfulness and I'm loving every second of it!  They are everywhere.

 6.  The Big Book

If all the people who knew Bill W. could quit drinking with his words of wisdom and the 12 steps, why couldn't you?  You can read it from the link on my blog.

 7.  Space

Set up a quiet spot in your home.  This should be a space where you can go to breathe when you are overwhelmed.

 9.  Family

(unless they're drinkers)  They should be supportive, understanding and loving.

10.  Pray

Have faith.  Believe in the power greater than YOU.


I continue to do most of these things on a daily basis since I quit drinking in December 2014.  I'm happy with the results.  I'm sober.  I'm free.  I'm healthier than I have been in years!

It's hard as hell on some days, just to get by, but it's worth every step I've taken to get here....

Sober and FREE!

Join me.

Sober Mommy

...on The Inner World

"When I quit drinking, 

the world on the outside got better,

but the world on the inside got worse."

I heard this sentence at the gratitude dinner I attended in my town last weekend.  A gratitude dinner is an annual event that includes a wonderful dinner, guest speaker and a dance.

I had a wonderful evening.  It amazed me to watch over 300 people dancing their feet off on the dance floor, socializing, laughing, and sober....something we don't get to see very often.

The guest speaker said many things that I could relate to....but the sentence above really stood out.  I even wrote it down on a napkin at my table.

It is so true how my life has changed on the inside.  It feels like I'm in constant turmoil with my thoughts and emotions now.  My self-esteem has dropped.  I lack confidence.  I lack energy.  I lack some sort of sense of contentment.  I feel like I'm living in fear of the world around me.  Fear of what people think.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of the future.  Fear of damn decisions I have to make.  I'm not sure how this happens when I was so confident, independent and happy .....when I had a drink in hand.....

It's not easy to get sober.  Not because I'm giving up the booze.  It's more because I'm learning to live life without it.  It's the life part that's tough.  Alcohol just covered up all the shit that was buried deep within.

I know that now.

And now, it's coming out.  The shit.  And, I'm still trying to figure it out.....without succumbing to my need or want for a drink.

I'm doing it though.   Living without alcohol.  I never thought in a millions years I'd get this far.

I don't know what tomorrow brings.  I can't change the past.  I'm trying so hard to live for today....in the present moment....

And, with this present moment, I'm sober.

Breathing.

,,,I Remember.

It doesn't cease to amaze me.  The power alcohol has over my life.

I seem to have all the tools I need to stay sober one moment, and in a blink of an eye, they all disappear.  

Something happens to me when someone or something makes me feel uncomfortable.  I get this overwhelming fear and sense of anxiety and I feel like the insides of my chest is notting up uncontrollably.  

I forget about all the tools that I've found over the last two months.  Tools such as the Serenity Prayer,  the Big Book, the meetings, the blog, the peace and serenity, the prayers, the gratitude, the new sober friends, my sponsor, the freedom.  

I forget about all the great things that have happened to me since I picked up my last drink and I want to go back there.  

And, in all the cuffufle of my crazy ass days, lately, I somehow manage to find myself sitting at a meeting, listening to the whispers and remembering why I'm here in the first place.  The moment I walk into the room of AA, I feel love, support, kindness and compassion.  

And then, I remember. 

When the young 24 year old talks about the crazy hangovers he had and spending all his Saturdays in bed because he was too sick to move.... I remember.

When the mom of 3 tells about her story of being the drinking mom that she was....hiding her booze, drinking before driving her kids to their activities... I remember.

When the ole timer talks about drinking on a daily basis and not living his life in the moment or appreciating all the wonderful things in his life.... I remember.

When the young girl, coming out of detox, talks about always wanting more material things in her life and not being grateful for what she has, .....I remember.

When the man talks about saying the Serenity Prayer on a daily basis, because sometimes things are not in our control, and we have to live life on life's terms, instead of trying to control it....I remember.

The point is.... I only feel like I get those Aha moments when I walk into those rooms.   

And,  somehow, something, someone, or some kind of force helps me get into my car at the end of the day, (when all I want is nothing but a drink), and gets me to the place....

...that reminds me of why I got sober in the first place.

 

...on Miracles

Once all struggle is grasped, miracles are possible.  -Mao Zedong

When I attended a conference last month, a speaker said "Wait for the miracle to happen"  

I couldn't fully understand what she meant.   I just wanted to drink and numb the shit out of myself so that I could forget about my problems for a day.  

I didn't.

I waited.

A miracle happened!

I didn't drink!

How does this happen when I've used alcohol for the past 35 years of my life when stress comes about?  How does something like this happen when the desire to drink is so strong, that nothing else in the world matters to me?  How does something like this happen to someone that knows no other way of living because she wasn't taught how to live without alcohol all her life?  How does someone go 10 months without an ounce of booze when she doesn't think she could last even one day without it?

I haven't had a drink!  

A miracle happened!  

I waited.

I didn't drink.

Gosh, as I look back on the last 10 months of sobriety, I can only say how truly blessed I am.  I am finally finding myself....after 44 years of being on this Earth.  I am finally discovering the Being that I am.   I am finally deciding that alcohol is NOT going to affect my life anymore and I am finally taking control over my reality!  I am in charge!  I make the choice!  God leads the way....and I follow.

I can't say that I love sober living every single day yet.   It's not easy.  Some days are a heck of a lot better than others.  But, I sure do love the fact that I've been sober for this long.  I'm living life....fully alive.   I'm learning the true nature of living....fully alive.  I'm learning to feel, to see, to hear, to laugh and to cry.

I'm a miracle.

....on Prayer

I went to a meeting last night.  It was so very powerful.  I heard the little whispers that were meant for me.

There is so much love and compassion in the rooms.  People struggling.  People living.  Sober people talking about their lives.  Honesty.  Journeys.  Struggles.  Compassion.  Love.  It's all there...in the rooms.

Life is hard.

Sober living is even harder.

Sometimes I wonder how I've made it to over 300 sober days.  Sometimes it doesn't make sense to me.  I went through so many days where the urge to pick up a drink was so powerful.

...so very powerful.

Last night, someone mentioned that he heard another member talk about asking God to remove the burden of the obsession of drinking from him.  The man did not believe it could work for him.  He loved his alcohol so much, that there was no way that God could do this for him!  He lost his faith in God a long long time ago.

You see, this man got desperate.  He lost his wife.  He lost his children.  He became violent.  He became miserable.  He was tired.  He was obsessed.  He cared nothing about anything ....but his next drunk.

So, he decided to go home after he heard the member and do as he did.  He shut all the lights in the room.  He got down on one knee.  He prayed.  He said "God.  If  you did it for Jo, you may be able to do it for me.  Please help me.  Please remove this obsession of wanting to drink from me.  Please help me break this vicious cycle once and for all."

He took his last drink that day.  He's been sober for 20 years.

When I first tried to quit drinking in 2008, I had no tools.  I had no people.  I had no idea how to get sober.  I had to idea how to live life on life's terms!  I struggled for so many years.  .....in and out of drunkenness.   My only way to solve a problem was with a glass of wine......lo and behold....the problem was never solved.   I was miserable.  I was oblivious.  I was numb.  I was always sick.  I remember watching my face age in the mirror on a daily basis, from the lack of sleep and the stress caused by alcohol.

It took me 7 years!   It took me 7 years of trying to break the cycle of alcoholism in my life.  I couldn't do it all alone.   I tried so many times to stop.  I'd wake up in the morning and say, that's it!  I'm done drinking!  By 3 pm, I was in line at the liquor store.

I found a gift.   The gift of sobriety.  It's in those rooms.

God works in mysterious ways.

On December 27th, 2014, I took my last drink.  I was tired of drinking.  I was tired of thinking.  I was tired of thinking about drinking.  I wanted freedom.  I wanted to break this vicious cycle.

I prayed.

This is my prayer.  I hope it helps you today.  Have faith.  Believe.

If it worked for Bill, Jo, and me.....it may just work for you.

Dear God.
I cannot stop drinking.
I have tried.
I have tried so hard.
And still, Lord.  I go back and do it,
though I hate myself for doing it.
I cannot stop. 
I cannot stop.
You, dear Lord, are my refuge and security and strength when I cannot go on.
Please lift me up and share Your strength with me.
Please lift me from this burden, the burden of this addiction, 
the pain of this self-hatred,
the power of this demon within me.
I do not have the power on my own to fight this beast.
But You, dear Lord, You do.
You do.
I praise Your strength, and power and love.
Please give it to me.
Please take away my desire to drink. 
I surrender all.  
I lay myself in Your arms.
Please give me a miracle.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank  you.
Amen.

Miracles happen.  Ask Bill and Jo...

and me.

Sober Mommy

...on Being.

I got to chair the meeting last night.  I was kinda voluntold to do it, but I really didn't mind.  Again, everything happens for a reason and I was probably put there to hear the little whispers that were meant for me to hear.

I think I'm starting to see a different side of me.   In the past, I would have resorted to drinking so many times over the last 10 months of my sobriety.  Lord knows, I've tried to quit so many times (since 2008).  Nothing worked.  I'd last a few days.  And bammo!  I was back to my old habits.

But, today, something is different.  It's almost like I could feel the blossom growing inside of me.

Learning to live without alcohol is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  Especially, during times of crises and stress!  Drinking was my only way to cope.  Gosh, I was raised that way.  My parents coped with their rye.  I saw.  I did.  That's all I knew.   Nobody gave me the tools I needed to deal with life and the everyday stressors that comes with it.  Nobody told me how friggen hard life could get either!  It's just like "Wham Bam!  This is your life!  You deal with it"

I've come to realize this week, with my "I'm a victim of Fraud" event, that I really do rely on alcohol to numb and cope.  As I feel my heart pound with fear and anxiety, I think about alcohol.  I think about how nice it would be to just come home after a long day at work, drink my face off (without anybody knowing) and just Be.  Numb.

You see, the truth is there is a difference between my old version of Being and my new version of Being.

My old version of Being was to numb and just Be.  No stress.  Happy.  Drunk.  Not feeling.  No pain.  Drunk.  Alone.  This is my version of being that brings me to dark places.  I'm sick.  I'm hungover.  I'm basically not living, really.  I'm not really alive here.  So, why the heck does my mind keep coming back to wanting this life?

I've been very lucky and blessed because I haven't went back to my old ways!  I'm so very grateful for this!  I sometimes wonder how the heck I've made it this far.   The fight that goes on inside my mind is sometimes so very very strong!  One side is pulling me to the drink.  One side is pulling me to sobriety.  Yep!   There is a huge struggle in my mind sometimes.  But, I somehow always come out....with this new version of Being.  I just know that my HP is helping me along the way somehow.  I have so much faith that I'm right where I'm supposed to be....mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

My new version of Being is very spiritual.  I'm feeling the feelings.  I'm feeling the breath.  I'm breathing in and breathing out.  Lately, I'm feeling connected with the most inner part of my Being.... the part that is alive!  I'm mindful.  I'm seeing the beauty in the world, that I once didn't see.  I'm listening more.  I'm healthier.  I'm living.  I'm free!

When my mind wants to drink and take control over my new way of Being, this is what I think keeps me from picking up.....

1.  My HP
2.  I love hangover-free living!
3.  I sleep like a baby!
4.  I've almost been sober for a whole year!
5.  I've made great sober friends through AA, and they check in on me often!
6.  I think I'm a more patient mom!  (most of the time)
7.  I know if I pick up ONE drink, the vicious cycle will begin again!
8.  I'm not my mind.  I'm much more than that..... I'm spirit.
9.  I can't afford it.
10.  I don't want to be sick.


I often hear these new voices in my head saying:  "This too shall pass"  "One day at a time"  "Go to meetings.  Don't drink"  "Alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful"

I like these new voices.

Sober Mommy

...on WTF!

Thank you for all your great comments on my last post.  I've decided to stay home this weekend and avoid the big party all together.   Although I'm doing this so that I don't drink, I still have urges to drink, especially when shit happens in my life.

For the last month or two, I've been praying.  I've been trying to let go of my financial burden and I've been asking God to give me a hand somehow.  I've legitimately made changes to the budget plan and continue to scramble to survive on a monthly basis to make ends meet.  I have a super job ...thank goodness, but I also have a lot of debt and bills and I just can't afford any extras at the end of the month.  I'm even tutoring a few kids on the side for some extra cash.

I have always kept $500 emergency fund in my account and always keep that money there, just in case something comes up.  

It's gone!  

Someone stole the last of my money.  Someone drained my account of the last of the money I had and worked so hard for from an ATM in another country.   Like, WTF!  How does this shit happen?  I don't understand how someone could duplicate my card, find out my PIN and drain my account!

And, besides all the other shit going on in my life, kids, work, loneliness, winter is coming blues, I get into these crazy urges to just drink!

I've always believed that everything happens for a reason.  There's a lesson to be learned in all that happens to us.  I'm having a hard time with this one.

I keep thinking about my sober friend, Sober Mummy, at Mummy Was a Secret Drinker.  I'm not sure how someone could be so strong when faced with such diagnosis.  I sometimes wonder if I'd be that strong.

Why do I want to drink whenever my heart and body palpitate with stress?  I seem to resort to that "escape plan" every time I'm under stress.

It's like a cycle.  Stress comes.  My body reacts.  My heart pounds.  I get anxious.  I get fearful.  I want to drink.

Although, in the moment of stress, all I can think about is a nice big glass of vino, I think I'm learning to "feel" the emotions that comes with everyday living lately.  And, even though, I think about resorting to alcohol for and "escape", I don't.

How this happens?  I'm still not sure.

I just know that I'm doing it one day at a time.  Trying to figure this thing out....

Life.

How Long Do I Have To Avoid People, Places and Things?

My sister wants me to go to a Stag N Doe this weekend...and with Stag N Doe comes drinking, dancing and hangovers.

I want to go because I love to socialize and NEED to have some fun in my life very soon before I turn into a hermit.  I also want to go because I love dancing.  I need people in my life.  Adults.   Fun.

I don't think I'm ready to face the challenges of a bunch of drunkards, dancing and laughing and having a good ole time, while I do all those things soberly.  Don't get me wrong.... I know how to laugh and dance without having alcohol in my system.   I just don't know if I can be strong enough to do it, at an event where everyone else is doing it.  Ok....maybe not every single person, but all my friends will be.....

Part of me wants to drink with everyone and have a blast.  Part of me wants to stay home and lay low in my own little world too.

I don't think I'm ready to go to these kinda things yet.   How long will I have to avoid people, places and things that include alcohol?   I've been sober for 10 friggen months!  I should be ready!

ARGHHHHHH!!

Nothing Grows In The Dark

This was the title from the Daily Reflection the other day.  Nothing Grows In The Dark.

As I read this one line, I got a glimpse of my life over the past month.  I got a glimpse of me saying these exact words ..."I'm in such a dark place."

And I was.  

In a very dark place.  A place of fear.  A place of anger.  A place of anxiety.  A place of wanting to numb the pain with alcohol again.  It was dark!  I felt stuck there.  It was impossible for me to grow.  We cannot grow until we come out of the dark and see clearly....see the light.....see the love around us......see the blessings in our lives.....

I got consumed with the chaosness of life.  I forgot to sprinkle my own life with my recovery program.  I was too busy worrying about everyone else and I forgot to take care of me!   

And ....as I read those 5 words up above, I thought about the flower.  A flower in a black box would eventually die.   A flower that doesn't get sun, water, or nutrients will perish.

I am the flower.

We are all flowers.

If we don't feed ourselves with the things we need, we will not grow..... and we will eventually die.  We need to nourish ourselves with love, health, recovery, and good people.  This is how we grow.  This is what we need to blossom!

It took a while for me to allow my own petals to come out from under the dirt to let the sunshine back into my life.   But, I'm nourishing me now.  I'm coming back into full bloom.

When we are stuck in the dark place, only we have the power to lift ourselves out from under the dirt..... 

With faith, love and courage, anything is possible.

Where are your petals?

Sober Mommy

...on Day 299!

There's just something about that number that I love ...

There's just something about sober living that I love...

There's just something about being present that I love....

There's just something about my soul that I love....

And....

This all happened....


One day at a time.

Sober Mommy

...on Seeing Again

So....I decided to make some changes today.  As you know, I've been riding a roller coaster of sober living for the last month.   I seem to have lost my spirituality and calmness for some reason, and I'm on a mission to getting it back.

I got a taste of it.  I got a taste of living life on a high...a natural sober high.

I woke up this morning with a different attitude.  I decided to be more grateful and even took 10 minutes to sit in stillness.  I didn't meditate or anything.  My mind is way too busy to go there.  But, I did hear my breath.  I felt it go in and out of my body.  I felt my soul lift.  I felt present.  I am spirit really....  How could I forget that?

I had a wonderful day.   I told myself to see the beauty in today and accept whatever happens.  So I did.

I rode on a school bus first thing this morning, to supervise 50 students from Grades 3 to 8 on a field trip.  I really didn't want to go at first and even asked the teacher in charge of the group to find someone else if she could.  She said she wanted me to go because she loved how much spirit I had and how much energy I had.  "The kids need you"....she said.  

So, I went.

I allowed myself to sit on that bus and just Be.   Present.  Content.  Spirit.   As I watched the children laugh and chat with their friends, I truly felt blessed.  Kids are so spiritual and wonderful human beings.  They live in the moment and just do their best.  Most of them anyway.  

The trip went well.  The students had an opportunity to run in either a 1KM, 2KM, or 3KM race.  Kids who never ran before came to the finish line with everything they had.  The cheers from the crowd when the last runner came in, were indescribable.

I teared up several times today.  I was just there.... right where I was supposed to be.  Hugging the child who felt sick after her race.  Cheering on for the runner who wanted to quit and stop.  Telling the child that was nervous that she can do anything she wanted to do.  Giving my apple to the child that had no snacks in his lunch.   Were these some of the reasons that God wanted me to be there?   Definitely!

This is what I saw today....  The sun.  The children.  The spirit.  The love.  The hope.  The joy.  The smiles.  The laughter.  The tears.  The Courage.  It was all there at the exact same time!

And I saw it.....

Sober Mommy

Am I a Dry Drunk?

I wondered what the term "Dry Drunk" meant for a long time.

I'm living it I think.

I'm stuck.  I talked about it at the meeting last night.  Cried.  Got some advice.  ...and I will definitely apply it to my life today.

All my life, I grew up around a miserable, resentful mother.  She drank daily with my father.  They seemed angry all of the time.   A few years ago, my mother told me she resented me as a child.  She was pissed off because I stood in their way.... I was there.  They wanted to drink.  They wanted to party.  I was there.  In the way.

I told myself that I would never be like my mother when I grew up.  I made a promise when I was younger to be a better mom.

I became her.

Resentful.

Angry.

Alcoholic.

When I drank, I was happy for a while until they stood in my way.  I would yell and swear, just like my mother did, to the point where I could hear her voice in me.  I would see the look of fear and loss of trust build up in my kids when this happened.  The way they looked at me was the way I looked at my mom when she was in her fury.

So, I quit drinking.  I thought it would solve all my problems.  I thought "Now I will be a better mom!"  I found some sense of spirituality and Being for several months.

But, for some reason, I'm still struggling with the anger, resentment and impatient part.  Life is so hectic.  I seem to be in a rush for nothing.  I'm not going anywhere really, so why do I lose  my shit when I'm trying to help my kids with homework, or when I have to clean the house cause someone left a damn mess, or when they are fighting.  I get so impatient when things aren't perfect.  Why?

Is this what's considered "Dry Drunk"?  Am I just living like I use to live, but this time without consuming alcohol.... in anger, resentment and fear?   I feel like a ticking time bomb....just waiting till something or someone pisses me off enough for me to go out and get my bottle of vino!  Just waiting for a good reason to drink.

I don't want to drink.  I don't want to go back to numbing.  I'm learning to feel again.  I'm learning to live.  I'm finding my true self.   I'm trying to find peace within myself.  I'm trying to just BE.  Not making rash decisions.  Not making plans.  Just letting go...and letting God take over.

We read step 2 at the meeting last night and this stuck out at me like a tonne of bricks.

We had been asking something for nothing.  The fact was we really hadn't cleaned house so that the grace of God could enter us and expel the obsession.  In no deep or meaningful sense had we ever taken stock of ourselves, made amends to those we had harmed, or freely given to any other human being without any demand for reward.  We had not even prayed rightly.  We had always said, "Grant me my wishes" instead of "Thy will be done."  Therefore we remained self-deceived, and so incapable of receiving enough grace to restore us to sanity.

 This is me.  For real.  I have to make changes.  Letting go of the drink just isn't enough anymore.

SoberMommy

...on Staying Focused

I'm finding my way back to where I was a few weeks ago.  Healthy.  Happy.  High on Life.  I want it back and I'm going to fight till I get it.

I'm grateful today for being sober.  Still sober.  Thank you God!  There is no doubt in my mind that my Higher Power worked for me during the last few weeks.  Its been tough.

I'm not sure what is setting me off really.  My life is good.  I'm healthy.  I have a great home.  I have healthy kids.  I have a great career.

I think I just forgot to be mindful.  I forgot to focus on the breath and the calmness I have within.  I have to bring my awareness back to myself...to my inner self again.  I was self-sabotaging for the past few weeks.  I've been covering up my fears with food, wanting a drink, chaos, TV, isolating.  I got caught up in wanting more than what I have.  More more more.....always wanting more.

I forgot to trust that there is a plan set out for me and I just have to stop trying to make everything fit the way I want it to fit.

I forgot to put my recovery first.  I did nothing for three weeks.  No daily reading. No meetings.  No blogging.  No meditating.  No reaching out.  I did nothing for my recovery.   I thought I had it beat.  I thought I was okay with just living.

Sober living doesn't work that way, does it?  I've learned my lesson and I am forever so grateful for still being sober.  I have to put these 3 things on my daily To-Do list:


1.  I have to stay mindful.  I have to stay in the present moment.  I need to stop thinking of the past.  I need to stop worrying about the future.  They don't exist anymore.   All I have is the present moment.

2.  I have to give my will to God.  I have to put my faith in my Higher Power's hands.  I believe that everything that is put in my path is put there for a reason.   I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

3.  I have to put my recovery first.   Every single day! I have to read my Daily Reflections.  I have to go to meetings.  I have to connect with others, that are just like me.  I have to blog.  I have to remember where I'm coming from.  I don't want to go back to those dark days of drinking, drinking, drinking.....

....on Riding the Wave

My life is like a wave.  Sometimes the wave is higher than others.  Sometimes the wave comes crashing down on me.

I met someone at the AA convention during the weekend.   We got chatting about this wave concept.

I told him that I was at a very low low.  I almost felt like I was going through a major depression.  I wanted to drink.  I envisioned me drinking.   I had visions of me drinking and being happy....relaxing and numbing.  I told him that I didn't know how to get my serenity back.  I lost it for some reason and it seemed so far out of reach.

He told me that life is like a wave.....  sometimes the wave is smooth and we can ride it peacefully and calmly.  Sometimes that wave is high and we are high on life and feel like we can conquer the world.  Sometimes that wave comes crashing down on us and life happens.   He reminded me that this is life.  How do I forget this?  How do I get so wrapped up in stuff that I forget that life is just chaotic sometimes?  I forget to accept.  I forget to take time for me.  I forget to set boundaries.  I forget to breath.  He told me that eventually that wave will be smooth again....we just have to wait until it comes....  That smooth, calm wave always comes back.....

The truth is... I sometimes feel like I can't handle that big wave that crashes down on me.  I don't know how to calm the chaos in everyday life sometimes.  I get so caught up in the wave that it feels like I'm drowning in it and can't get out.

I have to remind myself that the wave will pass.   It use to drive me nuts to hear "This too shall pass" but it is such a big truth in my life today.  I know that the chaos of life passes us....and the more I come to realize this, the quicker I will have the ability to stay in control of it when it comes.

I have to take a step back when the big wave comes again.  It will come.  Chaos happens.  Kids fight.  Life is busy.  Alcohol is cunning.  Life happens.  Sometimes we just have to step out of that wave for a few minutes to allow ourselves to breathe through it.

I'm riding a new wave.  It's a nice one.

Jen
Day 294

Where is my Pink Cloud...Part 2

As I sat in on an open speaker meeting at the conference during the weekend, one gentleman mentioned this and it hit home for me....

"The pink cloud disappears when life happens"

Life happens whether we like it or not, whether we are ready or not, whether we want it or not.  When we learn that we can't control most of the shit that happens to us on a daily basis, we can learn acceptance.  It's so easy to forget this.  It's so easy to throw in the towel and say "Fuck it...I'm done".

But what are we saying "I'm done" for?  Am I really done living?  Am I done fighting for peace and happiness?  Am I done being sober and free? Am I really done accepting?  Why is it so easy to just throw in the towel and say "I'm done, I'm gonna drink my face off"?

It's easy.

It's just easy.

It's easy to pick up a drink and say I'm done.  It's easy to "tune out" of life for a while.   It's easy to numb the pain and the feelings and the chaos....  Lets' just drink for a few hours and forget about life.  Easy...Isn't it.

But, life is still going to happen the next day..... and the next....  and the next.....

I almost threw in the towel.  I wanted to just forget about life for one day....or two....or a week.....  Now, you and I both know that I would have forgotten about life a lot longer than that!

I've been searching for my pink cloud for a couple of weeks.  It's not around me anymore.  Life is.  I'm living it and facing it as hard as it is.  I will get on that cloud again.  I know it's there.... a few miles away, but it's coming back.

I'm learning to feel again.  I'm learning to deal with my emotions, my anger, my fears, my resentments.  I'm learning to live the life that I have.  I'm grateful for my life, but sometimes it's just so damn hard to face it.   I'm doing it sober.

Today, I'm going to accept my life and all that comes my way.  ...because it is happening to me for a reason.  I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Where is my Pink Cloud? ...Part 1

I've been struggling.  And when I mean struggling, I mean I am suffering and trying to find my way back from this tunnel I find myself in on a daily basis.

I fell off the pink cloud about two weeks ago and I can't seem to be able to find it again.   I feel like I've lost all the peace and serenity and calmness and freedom I fought for.

Last weekend, I came this close to drinking a nice cold Ceasar! (Can you picture my index finger touching my thumb?  That's how close!).

I want to drink.  I want to escape, even for just a few hours.  I can't seem to find any other way to do it. ... to escape.

Why am I toying with this drinking thing.  Part of me just doesn't think that I can do this for the rest of my life.  Part of me wonders how the hell I'm gonna survive when everyone is drinking around me and having a friggen blast!  I want to escape...even if it's just for a few hours.

I haven't put my recovery on the front lines lately.  I see this as being a huge problem.  I know it.  I'm skipping meetings.  I'm not blogging.  I'm not praying.  I'm not meditating.  I'm not reading.  I haven't really worked the steps.  I know, deep in my heart, that I need to do these things to get my serenity back, but chaotic life is taking over, and I can't seem to be able to slow it down.

I finally went to a meeting on Wednesday, after being away for nearly two weeks.  It felt so good.  You know.... they keep saying, if you want what we have, you have to work the steps and program.  I know it ....  and I want what they have.

I planned on getting drunk this weekend.  It's Thanksgiving here in Canada.  I was giving myself two options really.  Option 1:  Stay home and drink by myself and nobody would ever know.  My kids would be at their father's house, so I could stay home, hide and drink my face off....catch up on yard work for the winter.  Option 2:  I could go visit my parents and get smashed with them....cause that's what we do there.  Great options for me, eh!!  This was my plan this week.  I would have so much fun! I'd finally have some release of stress and chaoticness!

A friend from the program called me at the exact same time that I was making these plans in my head.  She told me about a Thanksgiving AA convention....tried to get me to go.  At first, I said naw.... I was just gonna hang around the house.  Had so much to do.  I told her I'd think about it.

You see.... part of me really didn't want to go.  I didn't want to stay sober anymore.  I didn't want to suffer with this obsession of wanting a drink.  I just wanted to drink.   I was afraid though.  Something stopped me from picking up last weekend, and something is stopping me now too.  I wanted to drink but I really didn't want to ruin all the hard work I had already did to get sober.  I also didn't want to NOT make it to a year of sobriety.  My sobriety counter is so important to me and I just  don't want to begin at Day 1 again!  I really don't!   And, what are the chances, that this girl called me from out of the blue to tell me about this convention?  Was this an act of God, my Higher Power?  Was He looking out for me and putting these big kick ass signs right in front of my face?  

The next day, my friend texted me that she bought my dinner and dance ticket and she wasn't giving me a choice.   I booked my room and decided to go to the convention.

I miss my sober blogging buddies.  I need you in my life.  I need to blog.  It's like a journal to me....helps me release.   I hope to hear from you again.  I plan on blogging a lot in the next three months....to get me to a year of sobriety.  I'm going to work my ass off to get there!

...on Sober Living!

Hi everyone!

I'm sober!  263 DAYS IN!!!!   Yahoo....  

I'm just checking in to let you all know that I've been living soberly strong!

I am truly blessed.  I've made it through the summer without and ounce of alcohol to get in the way.  I've made it to Vegas for 5 days without the booze.  I've survived stress and I am learning to live one day at a time.... without alcohol.  My Higher Power, my God has truly removed the burden and obsession of wanting alcohol from my life.

I continue to go to AA meetings at least 2-3 times per week and have made wonderful friends there.

I'm starting to sober "date"....lol   It's been tough due to the fact that there aren't a huge supply of single sober men out there.  But I'm patient.

I've been quite busy lately because I went from focussing on alcohol to focussing on my health.  I've learned so many thing over the last 8 months and I am now sharing my health journey with people around the world.  I'm even working with a lady from Egypt.  I've been working on my Health Blog but haven't gotten it running yet.  I do have a Facebook page and have decided to share it with you.

Sometimes, we just need a little boost to get our asses in gear to kickstart to the new life we've been wanting for so long.  Sometimes, we have to turn our focus from the bad shit, and focus on the good shit.

Once I get things going with that, I hope to post more on this blog for newly sober people.  There just doesn't seem to be enough time in a day!

I hope my sober friends are doing well.....

and I'd love to see you on the other side....  "the healthy, I got my power and nobody is going to stop me side."

Get rid of alcohol, and all possibilities come back to your life.

...on Thinking "Am I Missing Out?"

It's been a very busy week.

As some of you know, I've been torn about the idea of getting back together with my ex-husband.  We've been apart for over 5 years now, and he has continuously been working at trying to win me over.  I've come to the realization that I haven't really been free from him over the last few years.  He's always there....  getting involved in my life.... no matter what I do...  I haven't had much time to get to know me and figure out what I want or need in my life.

We've been spending time together for the past few weeks, with the kids...  as a family.  It's been nice....  but that's it.... just nice.    I love being with my kids every single day.  I love watching them grow, laugh and live their lives.  But,  when I'm with their father, I feel like there's something missing in our relationship.  It's always been missing and it's time that I face that.  I sometimes wonder if I'm just too damn picky and just not happy with anything.  He's a great guy and great father, but we don't spark.  We don't communicate.  At all.

The meditation of the day in "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie speaks about letting go of resistance.  It says ...don't be in such a hurry to move on...  Relax.  Breathe.  Be in harmony today.  Let today happen and don't worry about tomorrow's feelings, problems and gifts.  So I'm doing that.  I'm not making any major decisions today.  I'm just letting things be and I'm believing that everything I need will be given to me today..... from God ... from the Universe.

I've had some thoughts about drinking during this past weekend.  It hit me hard when we were camping in a tent and most people around the other camps were "socializing" with their drinks in hand.   Alcohol sure was cunning, baffling and powerful to me.  There was a constant battle in my head with alcohol.   The booze was trying to convince me to drink it.  It almost felt like it was sitting on my right shoulder, talking to me.  Here are some things it said....

 -You're not a "real" alcoholic Jen
-You could start drinking in moderation now
-Nobody will know if you pick up a six pack
-Everyone else is drinking around the campfire, doesn't it look fun?
-You're missing out on socializing with everyone
-What's the harm in having a few drinks once in a while
-They are drinking and they aren't thinking they're alcoholics....why are you thinking that?

DANG IT!  The thoughts in my head didn't stop for a couple of days.... and it was hard.

I did a nice 10 KM run on Sunday, which helped tremendously!  I came in 3rd place in my age category and that was exciting!   Running sure does relieve a lot of stress in my body and mind.  I love it so much and I'm so very grateful that I'm able to do it.  If I didn't run as much as I do, and feel as healthy and blessed as I do, I'd be drinking....  I'd be stuck in the vicious cycle again.  I just know it.

My big question today is .....Am I really missing out?

I guess I will always face those thoughts about alcohol.  It must be normal to feel like I'm missing out on something fun at times.  I know that I don't want to drink like I use to... and feel as shitty as I once did.  I know that if I start drinking again, I will become the same "obsessed with alcohol" person that I once was.  I know I don't want hangovers or sleepless nights anymore.  I know that I want to stay healthy and focussed on the present moment.



So, I'll keep working it....  One day at a time.

...on An·o·nym·i·ty

2nd post today

I'm thinking of coming out of the closet.... as in breaking my anonymity.  I'm needing some advice from fellow bloggers first.

I'd like to start posting pictures of me and my family, living soberly and loving life.  I'm a little worried about doing this but I also feel that if someone sees how amazing my life is with my family, it may help them get sober.

I worry that someone from my small town will see me and start rumours around here.  That's probably because all my life I've worried about what others think of me.

But, I'm learning through The Gifts of Imperfection that I'm not perfect.  I've made mistakes.  I'm friggen sober and I'm loving it!  There's nothing wrong with that... right?

I also look at it this way.  If someone out there that knows me stumbles across my sober blog, it may mean they are looking for what I've found.

I don't know..... I need advice.

To show me or not to show me......That's the question?

...on Recovery @ Day 200

There's something about this number that gets me excited about being sober for this long.  I'm not sure what it is.....  double the 100 Day Challenge maybe..... -first time I've been sober for this long maybe.... -closer to 1 year sober maybe.....  I'm just so grateful to be here, celebrating 200 days of sobriety.

Recovery in the beginning was just a word that meant it's time for me to stop drinking and get healthy again.  As I read blogs and articles, I'm discovering so much more.

I love this definition of recovery.  

...to return to the original self

This brings me back to being a child.  My original self, before I picked up a drink was full of hope, life and love.  She didn't know that alcohol would rob her of so much beauty in the world.  She didn't know that alcohol would make her sick and tired.  She thought it was normal to drink everyday because that's what she saw.

It's kinda hard for me to think about going back to my original self because as a child, I lived in fear, guilt and anxieties.  I was surrounded by a world full of resentment, anger and shame.   I have vague memories of my childhood and I'll tell you, they aren't the best ones.  

But when I look at a baby and think about a newborn child coming into this world, this definition makes so much sense to me.  It's exactly where I need to go.   A baby comes into this world full of love, joy and hope.  They are filled with contentment and the universe loves them.  They know no judgement and they aren't judged.  They have courage and face their fears.   They learn and discover all that surrounds them.  They have no guilt or shame.  They just live.... in the moment, without worrying about what everyone else thinks.  

I am so blessed to have an opportunity to really watch my children today.   I've always watched them and guided them, but today I see them through sober eyes and it's so very different.   I see the love, hope and joy in their lives and it makes me want to go right there... where they are.   My kids live in the moment.   I am learning so much from them.  They are my greatest teachers in this lifetime.  They are teaching me to go back to my original self.